The Brighter Side of the Browns

The scary thing about yesterday's second half meltdown against the Ravens is that it felt a bit too normal. Doesn't losing that game just seem natural at this point? I mean, what'd you expect, a defensive stand? A comeback?

But I don't won't to dwell on the negative. Saying nasty stuff about the 2008 Cleveland Browns is too easy. So instead of ripping into D.A., Romeo, and the rest of the gang, let's take a look at some of the things that have actually gone Cleveland's way this season:

--The Browns' travel coordinators have been absolutely stellar. The team has successfully arrived, on time, to every single road game this season. 4 for 4 and counting -- you can't argue with those numbers!

--For the most part, every offensive player has been running towards the correct endzone on each play.

--The Browns have experienced exactly zero on-field decapitations this season.

--Brady Quinn has yet to physically or verbally assault a gay person in public.

--No one can criticize the 08' Browns for are their duds. Each week fans have come to expect stain free uniforms showcasing clean and vibrant colors. Whomever is in charge of the team's laundry department deserves a plaque for their hard work this season.

--Derek Anderson's hand off success rate is well over 90%.

--Cleveland Browns Stadium has had no major alien attacks/invasions during home games this year. In fact, there has been zero reports of any roving alien space crafts within 10 miles of the field at any point this season.

--As of this week Braylon Edwards' hands are still able to open car doors, operate ATM's, grip silverware, and press 4 out of the 5 buttons on "Guitar Hero."

Kellen Winslow Watches the Browns Game

The following is an account of Kellen Winslow Jr.'s afternoon during the Browns 23-17 victory over Jacksonville. Winslow, inactive from the game because earlier in the week he hurt GM Phil Savage's feelings, watched the action from his Cleveland area home.

3:57 PM: Winslow plops himself onto a couch and flips on his 140-inch liquid crystal flat screen TV.

4:01 PM: As coverage of the game begins, Winslow grabs a pen and opens up a fresh notebook. During the next three hours he will log every single thing the announcers say regarding his current situation.

4:32 PM: After Derek Anderson completes a 3-yard TD pass to Donte Stallworth, Winslow mutters "whatever" under his breath and quickly turns off his TV.

4:33 PM: Winslow turns his TV back on.

4:59 PM: Winslow takes exception when he sees RB Jamal Lewis exchange an intricate high five with C Hank Franley. "Hey! That's my hand shake -- I made it up last year. You guys can't do that without me there. Jerks!"

5:02 PM: As Winslow scribbles down some of the comments made regarding his absence, he notices he's written the word "staph" at least a dozen times. Intrigued by the word, he begins to repeatedly say it over and over, eventually replacing classic song lyrics with it. He spends the next 7 minutes singing the tunes "Staph by Me" and "Staph in Black."

5:09 PM: Winslow becomes physically agitated when he spots his replacement, Steve Heiden, enter the game. He clenches his fists.

5:10 PM: Anderson completes a 51-yard completion to Heiden, energizing the Browns offense. Kellen sees red. As he wildly punches into the air he turns over his sofa, dropkicks a halogen lamp, and throws a bowl of Cheddar Cheese Combos at his pet ferret, Simon.

5:11 PM: After the tantrum Winslow calls his agent, Drew Rosenhaus. When Rosenhaus answer Kellen says nothing -- just breathes heavily into receiver. "Kellen, is that you again? You can't keep doing this," says Rosenhaus. Winslow hangs up.

5:14 PM: As he restores his living room "pre-Heiden," Winslow pleads with Simon for forgiveness. "Come on man, you know I'd never do anything to hurt you. One more chance, that's all I'm asking for."

5:18-6:20 PM: Winslow becomes distracted from the game when he realizes the Discovery Channel is running an all day "Man vs. Wild" marathon.

6:21 PM: Winslow returns to the game, which is now tied at 17. Kellen is calm. "Alright boys, let's pull this one out," he happily chirps at his TV.

6:22 PM: A replay is shown of Steven Heiden's reception from earlier along with the TE's stats for the day. Kellen bites his lip.

6:24 PM: Derek Anderson to Steve Heiden...complete pass. "And again, Heiden making the best of Kellen Winslow's suspension," the announcer declares. It's too much for and Winslow and he freaks once again. He takes off all of his clothes, karate chops his coffee table in half, throws a lava lamp into his TV set, and head butts Simon in the face. "I'm not a piece of meat!" he tells the ferret.

6:28 PM: To cool off, Winslow does 400 push-ups, screaming the entire time.

6:48 PM: Using a paring knife, Winslow carves the initials "S.H." into his chest.

7:02 PM: After a couple of 4th quarter Phil Dawson field goals the Browns win. Still nude, Winslow stares at his television and laughs uncontrollably. "Well played my friends, well played. Check. Mate!"

Braylon Edwards: The Time Altering, Game Erasing Wide Receiver

My favorite part about the Browns upset over the NY Giants on Monday Night has got to be Brayon Edwards comments before, during, and after the game. Edwards, who I can only assume is having a steamy sex affair with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, repeatedly insisted that a win against the Giants would "make us 2-0" and "give us a fresh start with a 14 game season."

Huh?

Now, I understand this sort of talk is usually just a mental ploy for players and coaches, but the tone in Edwards' voice seemed a bit too certain. What does he know that the rest of us don't? In his mind, what has happened to the first 3 games of the season? Have they fallen into some sort of football vortex?

Anyway, you can't argue with the advantage Braylon's scheduling theory gives the team. Here's what the new standings look like heading into next week:

AFC North

Cleveland Browns -- 2-0

Pittsburgh Steelers -- 4-1

Baltimore Ravens -- 2-3

Cincinnati Bengals -- 0-6

I just hope the Browns are able to pull out another win against Washington -- otherwise they could be facing a 0-0 record going into week 8.

How Do You Get Jacked?

As Monday night looms -- and a national spotlight grows brighter -- a few of your favorite Browns reveal some of the unusual ways they prepare for big games.

Jamal Lewis, RB: "The morning before kickoff I play a game of John Madden Football on Playstation. I pick the Browns and give Jamal Lewis anywhere from 90-95 carries. At the end of the game, when they show personal stats, I snap a Polaroid of my TV screen. Then I take that picture, tape it to my jock strap, and play all four quarters with it there."

Braylon Edwards, WR: "I hang myself upside down and listen to OMC's "How Bizarre" over and over until the battery in my iPod is drained."

Dave Zastudil, Punter: "I drive to the Metroparks and find a swampy area inhabited by mallord ducks. I throw a bunch of bread crumbs into the air and wait for them to take the bait. Then, when I have a few in mid-flight, about 5 or 6 feet above ground, I try to kick them out of the air. Not only is it great for my foot-eye coordination but it gives me a chance to be around and feed the wildlife in my community."

Shaun Rogers, NT: "I usually sit down with a good Steinbeck novel. Then I eat it."

Kamerion Wimbley, LB: "I make 5 life size paper mache statues and dress them in the jerseys of whichever team we are playing that week. Then I line up the paper men on a side street near my house and drive full speed into them with my Jeep."

Kellen Winslow, TE: "I like to fill my bathtub up with 80-90 pieces of French toast and 4-5 gallons of maple syrup. Then I just lie in the spongy goo for an hour or so and watch Braveheart."

Phil Dawson, K: "Heroin."

Ken Dorsey, QB: "I usually just go down into my basement and scream the "F-word" as loud as I can until I throw up. It's when I know I ready to play some football."

Getting Dirty with the Browns

At 0-3, it's safe to say the 2008 Cleveland Browns are securing a reputation as a lowly gang of football losers. But it now appears these losers have a new identity brewing amongst NFL teams -- that of total badass cheap shot taking thugs.

First there was Adam Jones of the Cowboys accusing Browns DB Nick Sorenson of grabbing and squeezing his privates after a punt return. And now this past week the Baltimore Ravens are claiming Browns defenders violently (and purposely) gauged the eyes of RB Willis McGahee.

And as these stories of brutish behavior surface it appears more and more teams are coming out against the Browns' dirty play. Several of Cleveland's opponents from the 2007 season are now sharing stories of alleged cheap shots. Below are accounts of some of these instances:

October 7th vs. New England Patriots: New England lineman allege center Hank Fraley pasted small razor blades and pieces of glass onto the palms of his gloves in order to rip and tear the arm flesh of Patriot defenders.

November 4th vs. Seattle Seahawks: Several Seahawk receivers have accused Browns cornerbacks Leigh Bodden and Brandon McDonald of sipping Tabasco sauce before crucial 3rd down plays and then spitting the liquid into their faces as the ball is snapped.

November 11th vs. Pittsburgh Steelers: Ben Roethlisberger claims Browns linebacker Kamerion Wimbley delivered what he refers to as "the ultimate late hit." The Steelers QB says that well after the game had ended, while he was showering back in the lockers, Wimbley -- in full padding and uniform -- delivered a shoulder-to-back tackle. Roethlisberger commented, "then after we both hit the wet ground he just popped up as though we were still on the field, did a little celebratory shimmy over my naked body, and ran away. To me, that's just not how you're suppose to play the game of football."

December 16th vs. Buffalo Bills: The Browns, who apparently received advanced DVD copies of the hit television show Lost, had no qualms using their advanced knowledge of the series as a strategical tactic. Bills QB Trent Edwards states, "while we were in our huddle, players from Cleveland would spontaneous yell out secrets and vital plot points (from Lost) at us. As the game worn on it became almost impossible to get my guys to focus. Does Jack and Kate's relationship really begin to fall apart in the flash forwards? Are Sayid and the Others actually able to free Ben from the mercenaries? This is all the guys were thinking about out on the field. We didn't know if the Browns were telling the truth or not but after a while it really didn't matter. The whole thing was a big time cheap shot in my book."

December 23rd vs. Cincinnati Bengals: It's been reported that at least 3 unidentified Browns players made prank phone calls, during the game, to the mothers of several Bengals players informing them that their son 'has just been involved in a serious car accident.' While this didn't technically affect the game on the field, it is no doubt a total dick move.

Cooking with Shaun Rogers

Hi, Shaun Rogers here. When I'm not devouring quarterbacks on the field, you can usually find me devouring delicious meals in the kitchen. However, what many of you probably don't know is that I personally prepare and cook almost all of the food I eat.

Today I'd like to share an old family recipe with you I cook up and serve quite often. It's easy, fun, and as you'll see, fairly well-balanced. It's called "4 Layers to the Sun" and it's a lasagna dish.

4 Layers to the Sun

Step 1: First, you want to begin with the base of the dish -- the sauce. In my travels, I've come to find that if you prepare a good sauce, everything else will usually fall in line. For "4 Layers" you want to mix two 4 cans of tomato paste with a one pound of ground beef, one pound of smoked ham, 1/2 pound of sausage, 1/2 pound of turkey breast, 1/3 pound of pork, 1/3 pound of venison, and 12 strips of boiled bacon.

Step 2: In a separate bowl melt 2 sticks of salted butter and mix in chopped onions, celery, carrots, broccoli, red peppers, green peppers, eggplant, mangos and garlic. Combine the meat sauce with the butter and veggies and let simmer on low heat for one hour.

Step 3: Carefully add your lasagna noodles into 4 cups of boiling water. For a extra punch I like to splash in a couple tablespoons of Mountain Dew to the boiling water.

Step 4: Lay your bottom noodle into a well greased (I use ranch dressing) 8x12 pan.

Step 5: Ok, it's time for layer one! I like to think of my lasagna as structurally sound -- which is why my base layer is filled with 3 Texas T-bone steaks. When laying the steaks in, you may have to put on your best "jig-saw puzzle hat" for rearranging. When the T-bones are in there nice and snug, cover them with a generous stack of fried onion rings and a half bottle of A-1 steak sauce. Finally, pour on a nice coating of your simmering meat sauce.

Step 6: The next section is what I like to call the "rise and shine layer." Why? It's primarily breakfast foods. Start with 6 pieces of french toast arranged on top of a fresh noodle. Then set down a thin blanket of Canadian bacon followed by 8 over-easy eggs. Top with 2 cups of Trix cereal and a helping of fresh maple syrup. Cover with meat sauce and lie down next noodle.

Step 7: For the third layer you'll want to prepare your taste buds for a 'journey under the sea.' Begin by spooning and spreading out 2 cans of dolphin unsafe tuna. Place 2-3 (depending on their size) soft-shell blue crabs atop the tuna and cover with 8oz of tartar sauce. Lastly, top with 1/2 pound of minced Humpback whale blubber (which you should be able to find on the Internet). Cover with meat sauce and lie down next noodle.

Step 8: The final layer in "4 Layers to the Sun" is aimed to satisfy your sweet tooth. Begin by lining the naked noodle with 14 Swiss Cake Rolls. Next you will need the bottoms of 20-30 Snickers bars (use a cheese cutter to slice off the underbelly, just before the peanuts) and stack the nougat slivers in neat rows. Follow that with a thick layer of New York cheesecake filling followed with a coating of jet-puffed marshmallows. Drizzle with Hersey's chocolate syrup, secure top noodle, and empty your remaining meat sauce onto the lasagna.

Step 9: Sprinkle dish with handfuls of mozzarella, pepperjack, Colby, Swiss, muenster, cheddar, provolone, brie, feta, parmigiana, and nacho cheese.

Step 10: Bake in oven at 350 degrees for 3 hours.

Step 11: Grab a spork and enjoy! "4 Layers to the Sun" feeds 1-1 and 1/2 people and is best served with a tall glass of Diet Pepsi.

5 Things Not to Watch For In Cleveland vs. Pittsburgh

vs.

The Browns face the hated Steelers this Sunday night in Cleveland and the whole world will be watching. By now you know the story -- the injuries, the matchups, the 9 straight losses to Pittsburgh -- it's going to be statement game for the Browns (whatever that means) one way or the other. So, with that said, here are 5 things NOT to look out for at Cleveland Browns Stadium on Sunday night. Remember, these are all meaningless questions/thoughts to pay absolutely no attention to:

1. Will every (or any) Derek Anderson interception be followed by a reaction shot of backup QB Brady Quinn?

2. With one more sack, linebacker Kamerion Wimbley reaches a career total of 17 -- putting him 183 behind all-time leader Bruce Smith.

3. If down big, late in the game, how will the Browns defense respond to Ben Roethlisberger taking a knee?

4. Will 3rd string QB Ken Dorsey even bother to carry a helmet out onto the sidelines?

5. If/when Josh Cribbs has a decent kick return, who will be the first broadcaster to exclaim, "this is Josh's Cribb!"?

The Hands Make the Man

There are at least a dozen reasons why the Browns lost their first game of the season to the Cowboys this Sunday. The defense failed to pressure Tony Romo, the secondary couldn't keep up with T.O., and Derek Anderson never got into any kind of passing rhythm. Buried in the losing mix, however, is Braylon Edwards' 3 (some will argue 4) dropped passes.

No one took the loss more personal than Braylon Edwards -- and no one took the blame any harder than the hands of Braylon Edwards...from Braylon Edwards. Confused? Me too. Below is an account of the conversation Edwards' had with his very own hands after the game.

Sunday -- 10:30 PM -- The Home of Braylon Edwards

Alone, Braylon stands in his kitchen, staring down at his hands -- palm side up -- in utter disappointment.

Edwards: Alright guys, it's time to have a talk. Now, Mike (left hand), Spike (right hand), you know we wouldn't be having this discussion if it wasn't 100 percent necessary. But he fact is -- this afternoon was a complete joke -- the two of you made Braylon Edwards look like a total butt turkey on national TV and I'm having a hard time even looking at you right now. It was probably the most embarrassed I've ever been in my entire life. Now, usually when Braylon has a bad game, the blame is shared all around. I make a point to never single out you -- or Xavier and William (legs), Roberto and Reginald (feet), and Nicolas and Sebastian (eyes). However, today is an exception. You guys really let me down. It was like we'd never even worked together before -- like you were attached to this body just hours before kickoff. I mean, what were you thinking? Why would you want to do this to me after all I've done for you guys? When did the two of you get together and decide to give up on the game? You are Mike and Spike -- you are part of a team, a winning team. Along with the others you help make up the greatest receiving specimen on earth: Braylon Jamel Edwards. You will not fail me again!

(Edwards turns the gas burner on his stove top to 'high').

I am only doing this because I love you. I am only doing this because I want to see you succeed. If Xavier or Sebastian ever sabotaged Braylon's performance as badly as you did this afternoon, they would get the exact same treatment. Alright, hold on my babies...

(Edwards places both his hands over the stove top flames and lets out a monstrous scream. After 3 seconds of burning he pulls away).

(grimacing) I hope you've learned your lesson. I look forward to working with you again next week because I know the two of you are winners and I can't think of anyone else on the planet I would rather have attached to my arms. Alright, its time for you guys to sleep now. Goodnight Mike. Goodnight Spike.

(Edwards slips his hands into a pair of winter gloves filled with hand lotion).

5 Things Not to Watch For In Cleveland vs. Dallas

vs.

The Cleveland Browns kickoff their season this Sunday with a match against the visiting Dallas Cowboys. At this point in the week most fans know exactly what to anticipate in the game as far as matchups, gameplay, and potential injuries. With that said I'd like to share with you 5 things NOT to look out for this Sunday in Cleveland. Remember, these are all unimportant questions/thoughts to pay absolutely no attention to:

1. Will special teams player Ryan Pontbriand see any early action -- and if so, how will he respond?

2. What kind of Browns cap will injured receiver Joe Jurevicius be wearing on the sidelines? Maybe this one?

3. Will Cleveland announcer Jimmy Donovan mention the Super Bowl ring Bernie Kosar won in Dallas at any point during his broadcast?

4. Will a number 8 receiver finally step up for the Browns?

5. If Coach Romeo Crennel is forced to challenge a play will he toss his red flag underhand or overhand?

Cleveland Browns: Living on Lists

The list of injured Brownies is growing faster than a sidewalk smoke snake. The team has now placed receiver Joe Jurevicius on the PUP list (physically unable to perform) and former boy band singer Kevin Kasper on the IR (injured reserve).

But it doesn't stop there. The following players have been placed on an assortment of other "lists", most of which should have no affect on actual playing time:

Braylon Edwards: PUCS List -- Physically Unable to Not Look Cool in a Three-Piece Suit

Shaun Rogers: PUSOY List -- Physically Unable to Mix in a Salad or Yogurt Every Once in a While

Kolomona Kapanui: VUNPO List-- Verbally Unable to Have Name Correctly Pronounced by Ohioans

Romeo Crennel: FUPA Reserve List

Derek Anderson: EUCGS List -- Emotionally Unable to Care About Anything his Girlfriend Ever Has to Say

Phil Dawson: PUiP List -- Physically Unable to Use an iPhone

Donte Stallworth: CUGIGA List-- Culturally Unable to 'Get Into' the Latest Season of Grey's Anatomy

Brady Quinn: Fragile Face Reserve List

Dave Zastudil: UCFA List -- Unable to Convince his Father He's a Real Athlete

Steve Heiden: MUSP List -- Mentally Unable to Solve a Level Three Sudoku Puzzle in Less Than 20 Minutes

Dr. Quinn: Medicine Backup

Browns quarterback Derek Anderson is scheduled to miss the rest of the preseason with a mild concussion. Though the injury is only minor, backup QB Brady Quinn waste no time using Anderson's concussion as a stepping stone to slide into the starting spot.

Berea, Ohio -- 8AM -- Browns Training Facility

Cleveland quarterback Derek Anderson sits near his locker reading a playbook and taking notes. Brady Quinn, holding a handful of papers, enters the room.

Quinn: What's up Derek, how you doing? How's your head?

Anderson (looking down at playbook): Hi Brady, it's feeling alright.

Quinn: Hey, what you reading? Anything I should be looking at?

Anderson: No, this is stuff for the starting QB.

Quinn mumbles under his breath.

Anderson (looks up): What was that?

Quinn (ruffling papers): Nothing. Hey, so I was doing a little research on concussions at WebMD this morning and thought I'd share it with you.

Anderson: Can we do it later? I really have to hit the gym before I meet with Coach Chudzinski this afternoon.

Quinn: Well hold on, this won't take long.

Anderson (still looking down at playbook): Alright, what's up?

Quinn (glancing over papers): Ok, I assessed your injury, matched it up online -- and the four most common symptoms I'm concerned about are loss of memory, confusion, blurred vision and nausea and vomiting.

Anderson (looks up to Brady): Well then I think I'm alright then, I haven't had any of those. It was a mild concussion Brady -- really just a glorified headache.

Quinn abruptly runs out of the locker room. Confused, Anderson goes back to his notes.

3 minutes later...

Quinn approaches Anderson with the same handful of WebMD printouts.

Quinn: Good morning Derek, how's your head?

Anderson: Hey -- where'd you run off to?

Quinn: What are you talking about? I just got here -- just now.

Anderson: No, you were just telling me about all those symptoms for a concussion and -- nevermind.

Quinn: Oh no, this is not good. (looks at printouts) Sounds like a combination of confusion and slight amnesia. Hey, do you feel like you might throw up?

Anderson keeps looking at his clipboard, ignoring Brady.

Quinn: Oh man -- listen, I've been doing a bunch of research on concussions, I think we need to talk. You might be way worse than I though.

Anderson: We already did Brady, I'm done discussing this. I'm fine.

Quinn: Derek, look at me. When did this supposed conversation take place?

Anderson: 2 minutes ago, before you ran away.

Quinn: Derek, look at me. When did this supposed conversation take place?

Anderson: Huh? I just told you. Are we done now?

Quinn: Derek, look at me. When did this supposed conversation take place?

Anderson: What the hell is going on here Brady?

Quinn: Wow, this is bad, I don't even know what you're babbling about right now. I'm going to let Coach Crennel know about this right away.

Anderson: Stop! I'm fine, I've already been checked out by the team doctor.

Quinn: You've already been "pecked by the leam tocker?" What does that even mean?

Quinn pulls out a blank white note card.

Quinn: Derek, look at this card. Can you tell me what number is written on it?

Anderson: There's nothing on it, it's blank.

Quinn: What!? (writes something down on a notepad) I thought you might say it's blurry -- but man, you don't see anything? This is not good.

Anderson: Hey, what are you writing?

Quinn again runs out of the room without warning. Anderson goes back to his playbook.

4 minutes later...

Quinn re-enters holding a towel covered in vomit.

Quinn: Alright, I think I got most of it. You see anymore?

Anderson: Anymore what?

Quinn: Your puke! You just hurled up a few pounds of semi-digested -- (smells towel) I'm guessing Hot Pockets and Count Chocula. You are not well man, your concussion must be progressing.

Anderson stares at Quinn.

Quinn: Oh come on, don't tell me you already forgot?

Anderson: Where did you even get the vomit on that rag? That is just weird man.

Quinn: I got it from your insides. Geez, I'm going to have to go all the way to Randy Lerner with this. I think you have a trip to the IR in your future. Maybe I should be looking at that playbook instead of you. With the way your acting, this will be my team in no time.

Anderson stands up and begins to walk out of locker room.

Quinn: Hey, where you going?

Anderson: Away from you.

The Cleveland Browns Fan Code of Conduct

The NFL recently implemented a fan code of conduct aimed to curb unruly behavior that "detracts from the gameday experience." The new code officially puts a ban on things like foul or abusive language, harassing opposing team's fans, and throwing objects onto the field.

Besides adhering to the broad league laws, each individual team has the option of adding their own provisions where they see fit. Below are the additional "fan rules" the Cleveland Browns will employ for the 2008 season:

--Fans who insist on wearing a Tim Couch or Charlie Frye jersey to the stadium are required to manually adjust the print on the clothing from Couch to "ouch" and Frye to "Frye'd."

--Enthusiastic fans are allowed to high five strangers only if said stranger is of age and consenting. Before the hand slap takes place both parties must sign a wavier and agree on the speed and force of their arm movement (waivers can be found at any stadium information booth and at all area Cleveland Browns team shops).

--If a spontaneous "Here we go Brownies" chant erupts amongst a group of fans you are in close proximity to, you are allowed to ignore and remain silent during the "woof, woof" section up to four times. Upon the fifth you will be escorted from the stadium.

--Ponytails (on men), in any form, are now banned from Cleveland Browns Stadium.

--If you are able to swallow your own vomit without considerable drippage, you will be awarded with a raffle ticket. At the end of the game your ticket will be entered into a drawing where you will have the opportunity to win an official Cleveland Browns refrigerator magnet.

--Fans are not permitted to remove their shirts at any point during the season until temperatures reach below 20 degrees.

--During the game, each fan is allotted a strict 3 minutes to publicly discuss any of the developments regarding their fantasy football team. Last call for bragging about your running backs and recent waiver transactions will be 8 minutes into the 4th quarter.

--If during your visit to Cleveland Browns Stadium you should encounter "Big Dawg" John Thompson, please refrain from looking him directly in the eyes. If you find yourself in a situation where you must speak to him, stare down to the tops of your feet, cross your arms behind your back, and begin every sentence with "Mr. Dawg sir."

Brett Favre Introduced as NY Jet (in Cleveland)

Brett Favre: "I truly believe things happen for a reason and I want to let everyone know just how excited I am to be sitting here today. I mean, look around folks, this is Cleveland -- this is football Americana. Jim Brown, Otto Graham, Lou Groza. Ben Gay. Having the chance to come to a place like Cleveland -- with all their football history -- and officially become a New York Jet is something really special. I remember once meeting Bernie Kosar back in 1992 and him telling me, 'kid, if you wanna play football the right way, in front of the right people, you gotta be in Cleveland. You gotta be a Brown. And if you can't do that, at least try to get there for a press conference where you're introduced on another team or something.' At the time I thought Bernie was high, but I have to say, I get it now. To have the opportunity to sit here Cleveland, Ohio and become a member of the New York Jets is something I will tell my grandchildren about."

And "The Cool Dude of the Year Award" Goes To...

Browns linebacker Andra Davis

... the (Browns) asked the 29-year-old Davis to accept a base salary for this season of US$1.675 million - down from the $3 million he agreed to when he signed a five-year contract extension in 2005. On top of that, the Browns trimmed two years off his deal.

Davis' response?

"Money's the last thing on our mind,"..."I'm not worried," said the likable Davis, who is active in the Cleveland community and may be the most approachable player on the Browns' roster. "My wife (Monique) and I have hardly touched any of the signing bonus..."

Wow, are you serious? Davis says and does the kind of things all pro sports fans claim they would if given the chance to play games for a living.

Me personally -- I would have slapped Phil Savage in the face and burned down Berea. Then I'd hold a press conference accusing Romeo Crennel of hitting on me.

But not Andra Davis. He just wants to play football and hang out in Cleveland. And that's why he's the recipient of this year's "Cool Dude Award."

When Ken Dorsey Drinks...Ken Dorsey Talks

Browns third-string quarterback Ken Dorsey entertains a couple of visiting high school buddies (Matt and Trevor) at the Applebee's bar in Middleburg Heights, Ohio. We pick up the action at about nine beers in...

Trevor: Dude, I don't get it. There's like two dozen hot girls here and not one has asked to buy you a drink yet. Back in the day you used to inhale body shots like it was your job.

Matt: Yeah man, how am I suppose to pick up your leftovers when there's not even a main course.

Dorsey: That's what I've been trying to tell you bro. (hiccup) I don't know what the deal is -- it's not like the old days 'round here.

Trevor: But dude, you're Ken Dorsey! Ken "holds every passing record at Miami, nominated for two Heisman's, won a National Championship" Dorsey. I figured you'd be on cereal boxes 'round here by now.

Matt: Yeah -- you shouldn't be drinking at an Applebee's in Cleveland (takes sip of beer) you should be buying and selling 'em via stock markets and shit!

A young blonde woman approaches the trio and singles in on Ken.

Trevor: Well, hello.

Woman: Do you play for the Browns? My girlfriends over there claim they saw you at training camp the other day and dared me come over here and ask you.

Matt (shocked by the question): Does he play for the Browns?

Woman: Yeah -- or work for them, like as a towel boy or something?

Dorsey (rubbing eyes): No, I'm a player.

Woman: Oh my gosh (looks back to girlfriends and shakes her head)! Are you serious? Do you know a lot of the players? Please tell me you do -- because listen, I have to ask you -- do you know what brand of underwear Brady Quinn wears? We're all dying to know.

Matt: What?!

Trevor: Who cares about Brady Quinn, this is Ken Dorsey honey! He's a legend.

Dorsey: Yeah, I know Brady. In fact, I actually play the same position as him. I've even kind of mentored him.

Woman gives Ken a blank stare.

Dorsey: Ummm okay, I think he wears Hanes boxer briefs.

Woman: Ahhhhhhhhhh! I knew it!

Laughing, the woman runs back to her table of friends.

Matt: What the hell.

Ken Dorsey stands up and paces back and forth down the length of the bar.

Trevor: You alright man?

Matt: Yeah, forget that chick. She doesn't know anything and besides, she totally had a duck face. Hey, let's do a shot, it's on me.

Matt orders three shots of Jägermeister.

Matt: To 9,565 passing yards. A Miami record that shall never be broken!

The trio drink down their shots.

Dorsey (still standing): You know, one chance. One frickin' chance, that's all. Give me the ball, in a meaningful game, for one series. Then look me in the face and try and tell me I'm third string.

Trevor: Dude, that's what I've been saying all along.

Matt: Yeah, with your o-line and receivers -- forget about it. Cleveland would be "Dorseyland" in a matter of minutes! Every kid in this state would be dressing up as "Number 11" for Halloween for the next 20 years.

Dorsey: They won't give it to me though. (turns voice into annoyed squeal) "Just keep running drills with the practice squad, Ken. Just keep working with Brady, Ken. Here Ken, hold this clipboard. " (turns voice back to normal) "You know what, you hold it Derek. And while your at it why don't ya hold my nuts" (spits into empty beer mug). Brady and D.A. -- a pretty boy and a dude that looks more like a hamster than a human being.

Trevor: Yeah! F 'em all (grabs crotch)!

Dorsey: Nah man, I don't mean that. (hiccup) Derek's my bro. So is Brady. I'd take a bullet for those guys. It's just -- no one in that entire organization knows what I'm capable of. You know that in my 2 years with the team I've never once thrown a pass to Braylon Edwards. Not even for fun. In fact, I don't know if I've even shaken the guy's hand.

Matt: I mean, how can they call you the backup's backup if they won't even let you play with the team's best wide out?

Trevor: For real. What the hell is wrong with this franchise? Did they just not watch college football during 2000 or 2001? Don't they understand they're flushing gold down the toilet?

Dorsey: Listen, I'm not saying I could just step under center -- game one -- and just (hiccup), actually that is exactly what I'm saying. I would tear it up right from the first snap. Game 1, look out Cleveland because the first ever 150 point game in NFL history was just brought to you by Kenneth Simon Dorsey.

Matt: KSD!

Trevor (high fives Ken): Man, it's a shame. You got a pro bowl -- no scratch that -- you got a future hall of fame arm just wasting away here in Iowa.

Dorsey: We're actually in Ohio, Trev.

Trevor: Eh, same shit.

Dorsey: You know -- it's getting to the point where I'm just going to have to say something to Romeo next week (hiccup).

Trevor: You totally should.

Dorsey: I'm going to. (points to Matt) "Look Crennel -- you either start me or I walk. It's that simple. You put me in a game or I put my fist in your throat, got it?"

Matt (puts hands up): Woah, that was good -- no guys, I really mean it, you totally convinced me just there. I'm not joking.

Dorsey: Because here's the thing (rubs eyes) -- if I pack my bags and head to Canada next week I'm the star of the CFL and America just looks the fool for letting me go. The shit is political in a way.

Trevor: And just unfair to CFL cornerbacks trying to make a living.

Matt grabs the arm of a young man walking past the bar.

Matt: Hey! Look at that face -- do you know who this guy is? Do you?

Young Man: Uhhh, are you our waiter? Because we still haven't gotten our chicken quesadillas and its been like 20 minutes.

Matt (let's go of man's arm): Dude, get the hell out of here.

Young Man (walking away): Can we get some extra guacamole with them too?

Trevor: Dude, let's jet.

Dorsey: Yeah, I agree.

Matt: Let's just go back to your place and watch your VHS of the 2000 National Championship game.

Dorsey: It's already in the VCR.

Dorsey throws down some cash on the bar while Matt and Trevor stand up. The three buddies then exit the restaurant.

Brady Quinn vs. The Internet

Things just keep getting weirder for Brady Quinn. The Browns quarterback is demanding a gay dating website take down shirtless photos of him they've been using in ads to attract new customers:

"A rep for the Cleveland Browns tells us Brady had no knowledge of the ad saying, "He was not involved in posting photos.""

Oddly enough Quinn is not the only Cleveland football player being used as a puppet for a gay website. The following ad was discovered by TDBR featuring a poorly photoshopped picture of Browns kicker Phil Dawson:

The Original #10

Former Cleveland Browns quarterback and conversation lightning rod (if your conversation was in 2002) Kelly Holcomb has retired from football.

Holcomb will forever represent a strange era of Cleveland Browns football. An argument could be made that he was the one player who took the Browns from an "expansion team" and transformed them into "one of the NFL's premiere mediocre teams."

During his tenure in Cleveland, Holcomb managed to dethrone a number 1 draft pick, throw for 500 yards every other game (at least it seemed that way) and spark one of the most spirited football debates in Cleveland.

And for the record, I will proudly admit I was a "Holcomb guy." Being one meant something back then. It stood for "progress", "righteousness" and "democracy." His counterpart, Tim Couch, clearly represented "regression", "communism" and "beating up old people." Kelly Holcomb simply proved you didn't have to be a highly drafted fancy face to start for the Cleveland Browns.

I am also partial to Holcomb because I still own a bottle of his signature barbecue sauce, unopened. Though Kelly is done playing football -- I'm convinced that one day the collectible sauce will be worth millions. The Kelly Holcomb I know will make his name relevant again -- he'll probably save a bunch of animals from a burning zoo or something.

I wanted to end this post with a music tribute to Kelly Holcomb but I just couldn't find the appropriate tune. Apparently no one has ever recorded a song entitled, "Thanks Kelly Holcomb, You Kind of Made the Browns Good for About a Year and a Half and Had Two or Three Totally Awesome Games but Then Jeff Garcia Came to Town and You Left."

Oddly enough, Nickelback does have a B-Side track called "Thanks Kelly Holcomb, You Kind of Made the Browns Good for About a Year and a Half and Andre King Really Should Have Gotten Out of Bounds On that Last Play in the 2002 Playoff Game Against Pittsburgh." However, I gave it a listen and it totally sucked.

LeCharles Bentley Ends His Stroried Browns Career

Cleveland Browns center LeCharles Bentley asked to be cut this afternoon. The Browns responded with a should-shrugging "yeah, whatever."

The man who was paid millions of dollars to essentially strut around Northeast Ohio in Browns gear for 2 years finally had enough. Apparently, he freaked out that the team had the audacity to play someone else in his position while he rehabilitated for 2 seasons.

Its been a strange 24 months for LeCharles and the Browns. Let's take a quick look back at the highlights of Bentley's stint in Cleveland:

• July 27, 2006: During the first day of training camp, Bentley lines up at center for his first play as a Brown.

Well, that's pretty much it -- we all know what happens next. Torn patellar tendon, a boat load of surgeries, a gnarly staph infection, contract reductions.

But man, you have to admit, that spilt second before he destroyed his knee in Berea was a pretty special moment.