Ebayin' Cleveland

Don't have enough Cleveland sports garbage? Great, because it's time once again to jump into the Internet and do a little Ebay window shopping.

First up we have a 10 inch collectible plate featuring former Cavalier Mark Price. At $12.99 I'm not sure how anyone could consider this auction anything but a steal. In my "Commemorative Plate Power Rankings" I have Price at number 4, sandwiched in between Kyle Petty and John F. Kennedy.

And I'm aware an item like this is solely meant for decoration, but honestly -- if I owned a Mark Price plate I would eat every single meal off it. How much better would a pile of nachos taste knowing you had the angelic face of number 25 waiting for you at the bottom?

Up next we have a cut-out paper mask of former Browns quarterback Bernie Kosar. Perfect for the goofy football fan or aspiring serial killer in your family. Really though, I've been trying to come up with legitimate reasons why a person would buy such an item and could only think of three: 1. buyer is producing a low-budget student film with some sort of futuristic "Orwellian" theme, 2. buyer is going as Steve Guttenberg for Halloween or 3. buyer is Bernie Kosar.

Also, I'm pretty sure that if you stare into the eye holes of that picture for more than 30 seconds you'll end up burning down a school or something. I can't look for more than 10 without foaming at the mouth and banging my head against the floor.

I suppose this next item proves just how little fanfare the Cleveland Rockers actually had. For about $50 you can own the Rockers 1998 Eastern Conference Championship banner, autographed by half the team. The key word there is "the." This is not a replica or old promotional item -- this is THE banner that once hung in the rafters of Quicken Loans Arena. I wonder what the conversation was like when they decided to finally rip it down:

DAN GILBERT: Hey, I was talking a pass through the floor today and have a question. What are the Cleveland Rockers?

ASSISTANT: They were the city's WNBA team sir. They won the eastern conference in 1998 but were---

DAN GILBERT: I stopped listening after you said "W." Tear that banner down right away.

ASSISTANT: Do you want to replace it with anything sir?

DAN GILBERT: I don't know. Is it too early to retire Kevin Ollie's number?

And finally we have a Cleveland Indians silk tie. Ah, novelty ties. Perfect for saying, "hi, I don't dress up often. I'm more of a jean shorts and tank top kind of guy. And when I'm put in a position where formal attire is required, you can expect me to push the envelope. Tasmanian Devil cuff links, a "Big Johnson" undershirt and a pair of tinted eyeglasses usually round out my get up. If you see me standing alone on the other side of the room it's best to leave me be. That is unless you want me to talk your ear off about my idea for a 4th Matrix movie. Because I will baby, I will. Don't test me. I wear a neck tie with a baseball team on it."

Ebay Search: Cleveland Sports

Put on your best Internet shopping duds because it's time once again to "Shop Cleveland" on Ebay.

Up first we have a "game used" Steve Kerr warm-up outfit from his rookie year with the Cavaliers. If you want to touch what Steve touched (with his entire body) you're going to have to shell out a whopping $695. Now, I understand the sports memorabilia industry base their prices off only what people are willing to pay -- but $695? Really? Would you even pay $695 dollars to have diner with Steve Kerr? What about $100? I would maybe, and I mean maybe, pay 695$ if I got to shake Steve Kerr's hand once a day, everyday, for 1 year. But he'd have to at least dish some dirt on Larry Nance during 25% of our 365 handshake meetings.

Also, I really enjoy the photo accompanying this item. It looks like the seller murdered Steve Kerr face down and his dead body just evaporated away.

Up next we have a pair of officially licensed Cleveland Browns sunglasses with detachable strap. According to the seller this item is "perfect for gameday or EVERYDAY!"

I honestly don't know what kind of human being would purchase this item with unironic intentions. Oh wait, maybe I do...

EXT. -- CUYAHOGA COUNTY FAIR -- NIGHT

MAN WITH BROWNS SUNGLASSES (WITH STRAP), JEAN SHORTS, AND "STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN" T-SHIRT APPROACHES A GROUP OF TEENAGE GIRLS NEAR THE ELEPHANT EAR STAND.

SUNGLASSED MAN: Hello ladies, how are you on this fine summer night?

GIRL 1: Are you talking to us?

SUNGLASSED MAN: Why of course I am -- what's your name sweetheart?

GIRL 2: Dude, you're like 40 -- leave us alone.

SUNGLASSED MAN: You mind if I snag a piece of that crispy elephant ear?

GIRL 3: Yes, we do. And why are you wearing sunglasses anyway? It's 10pm.

SUNGLASSED MAN (touching his sunglasses and fiddling with the strap): These babies don't come off until I lie my head to slumber. They are part of my body, my soul. Anyway, I wanted to know if one of you sweet peaches wanted to dance.

GIRL 1: Dance? There's no music you freak, we're at a fair.

GIRL 2: Listen psycho, I'm about to call my boyfriend over here -- maybe you can ask him to dance.

SUNGLASSED MAN: Alright, I'm outta here. But please take my card, if you ever need a fax machine fixed, I'm your guy. Adios.

And finally, we have a can of Pepsi from 2000 featuring a Cleveland Lumberjacks "buy one, get one free" promotion.

This one just baffles me. Who's collection isn't complete without this? What is the seller, a person who goes by the name"brewdude", even thinking here. Eight years ago did "brewdude" actually plan on saving this can of Pepsi with an IHL promotion in hopes that it would become any sort of collectible? Maybe he just thought that highly of the now defunct Cleveland Lumberjacks. "Man, they are about to go on like a 5 year championship run guys. The Jacks are a dynasty in the making, you'll see. This can of Pepsi will be worth millions!"