First Day on the Job: Matt LaPorta

New Cleveland outfielder Matt LaPorta parks his Kia in the 'Insurance Company Field' parking lot and approaches the clubhouse entrance. As he walks through the doors he hears a voice mumbling behind him. LaPorta turns around to see a man in cut-off jean shorts and a 'Twisted Sister' tank top. He's also wearing thick black rimmed glasses, a blond wig and what is clearly a fake mustache.

Man in Hall (in an exaggerated low voice): Hi newbie, my name is Marcus. What do you want?

LaPorta immediately recognizes the man to be Travis Hafner.

LaPorta: Umm, hello. I'm Matt. Aren't you--

Hafner: Why don't you shut the hell up Matt! No one even wants you hear you idiot! Everyone hates you!

LaPorta gives confused blank stare. Hafner stares back and after about 6 seconds he bursts in laughter.

Hafner (taking off wig, glasses, and mustache): Oh man, I'm just messin' with ya! Welcome to Cleveland dude!

Hafner hugs LaPorta, who is relieved but still a bit confused.

Hafner: Come on man, let me show you around. I've volunteered to be your mentor for the next few days.

LaPorta: Oh, okay.

The two begin to walk a hallway towards the clubhouse. On their way, they stroll by Asdrubal Cabrera.

Hafner: Hey Ah-blob-bo, I want you to meet our newest teammate, Matt.

Cabrera (annoyed): How many times Travis -- it's As-dru-bal. Asdrubal. (to LaPorta) Hi Matt.

LaPorta: Hi, nice to meet ya Asdrubal --looking forward to playing with you.

Asdrubal smiles and keeps walking.

Hafner: Bye, An-ber-blur! (to Matt) That guy is kind of 'touchy feely' sometimes, so watch out.

The two enter the clubhouse. Inside, several Indians players are walking around and preparing for the game. Hafner whistles to get their attention.

Hafner: Hey everyone, I want to introduce you to Matt LaPorta -- he's the new guy. Walking in here, he just told me that his favorite singer of all time is Mariah Carey. Make what you want of that -- personally, I think he's weird. Okay, that's all.

Everyone goes back to what they were doing. LaPorta shoots a stare at Hafner.

LaPorta: Hey, I never told you my favorite singer is Mariah Carey.

Hafner (confused): You didn't? I could have sworn you did. Oh well. Hey, let me take you over to my area, I got some awesome stuff to show you.

Hafner leads LaPorta over to his locker. When they get there LaPorta notices that Hafner has decorated his locker with magazine pictures and baseball cards of himself. Hafner sees LaPorta staring at them.

Hafner: Oh, you like? He's my favorite baseball player. (Hafner reaches into his locker) Hey Matt, gotta ask you? You like steroids?

LaPorta: Uhhhh--

Hafner pulls out a giant 4-foot-long novelty hypodermic needle from his locker.

Hafner: (laughing) Come on, pull your pants down. (laughs) Man, this thing gets me every time. My mom gave it to me for Christmas last year.

Just then, without notice, Hafner picks up a baseball from the bottom of his locker and wings it across the room and into the back of Grady Sizemore. As Grady turns around to see who threw it, LaPorta notices Hafner looking straight into his locker and pointing a finger right at him. LaPorta is speechless. He stares at an angry Sizemore and tries to nod his head 'no', but before he can Grady walks away.

LaPorta: What the hell man, why'd you do that?

Hafner: Hey, I got something else to show you man. (Hafner pulls out a 2-gallon steel bucket) This is my 'punching pale.' It's filled with orange peels, cottage cheese, Jell-O and whale blubber. I punch the shit out of it for like 10 minutes before every game.

Hafner lets out a load scream and begins slamming his fists into the bucket.

Hafner: Give it a try.

LaPorta: Naw, I'm alright.

Hafner (slightly offended): What?! Come on man, give it a punch, you'll love it.

LaPorta throws down a meek punch and nods to Hafner.

Hafner: Awesome, isn't it? Wanna know something crazy, I made them hire a guy just to maintain and refill this thing. He even travels with us. His name is Ted, you'll meet him later.

Hafner unexpectedly begins walking away.

Hafner: Come on man, let me show you the showers!

Hafner leads LaPorta into the bathroom and shower area. Mark DeRosa and Victor Martinez are inside and once they notice Hafner they immediately look away.

Hafner: Watch this.

Fully dressed, Hafner walks into the showers and starts singing the lyrics to "I'm Only Happy When it Rains." He then slaps a bar of soap out of DeRosa's hand and tells him, "Hey buddy, you dropped you're soap."

Drenched, Hafner leads LaPorta back to the lockers.

Hafner: Hey, I almost forgot, I have a surprise for you.

Hafner then pulls down a piece of cloth from the locker next to his to reveal the name "LaPorta."

Hafner: You're right next to me man! How cool is that?

LaPorta (monotone): That's great.

Hafner: Oh man, oh man!

LaPorta: What is it?

Hafner: I got an itch on my arm. My arm is totally itching.

LaPorta stares at Hafner. Hafner then gets a very serious look on his face, one that LaPorta has not yet seen.

LaPorta: What's wrong?

Hafner: Scratch it. Scratch my itch right now rookie.

LaPorta: What? No way, scratch your own arm.

Hafner: Listen, this is no joke. You are new and you do as I say. One time a rookie didn't scratch my itch and within a week I had him pitching batting practice in France.

Hafner presses his nose up against LaPorta's face.

Hafner: (whispers) Scratch it. (screams) Scratch it!

LaPorta scratches Hafner's arm. Hafner turns away and leaves the room. LaPorta then walks over to his locker and begins unpacking.

Travis Hafner's Fantasy Football Team

With his time away from major league baseball, Cleveland DH Travis Hafner has apparently taken up a new hobby -- fantasy football. However, by the looks his recent draft it appears Pronk has taken the "fantasy" concept a bit too literal. Below is Hafner's "team":

QB: Joe Montana
RB: The T-1000
RB: R. Lee Ermey
WR: An African Cheetah with surgically attached human hands
WR: Lucy Lawless
TE: Tony the Tiger
W/R: Criss Angel
K: Jackie Chan
DEF: Kimbo Slice, Boba Fett, and 9 separate clones of the "Kool-Aid Man"

Bench
QB: Randy Johnson
RB: KITT
RB: Matthew McConaughey
RB: Eddie Van Halen
WR: Manute Bol
WR: Braylon Edwards
WR: A Hummingbird, who has been exposed to toxic waste, and grown 150 times its original size
TE: Evan (from MTV's Real World/Road Rules Challenge)

HEAD COACH: Maury Povich
TEAM OWNER: Scrooge McDuck

A Day in the Life of Travis Hafner

The following is a detailed account of how Travis Hafner spent the day of May 25th, 2008. The game played that day, a 2-1 loss to the Texas Rangers, was Hafner's last game before being placed on the 15-DL for an injury to his right shoulder.

7:30 AM: Hafner awakes. He changes out of his nighttime jean shorts into his daytime jean shorts.

7:44 AM: Hafner's wife, Amy, prepares his usual game-day breakfast: steak patties infused with Cap'n Crunch cereal and a side of nacho cheese.

8:10 AM: Travis heads to his personal weight room to work out. 5 minutes into his routine Hafner is distracted by an episode of Judge Judy on his gym TV. In the episode, the defendant, an uninsured driver, is accused of running a stop sign and hitting the plaintiff's car at 4AM. The defendant claims he was out so late because he knew he was uninsured and wanted to avoid any legal trouble. While watching, Travis doesn't understand how the defendant could be so aware and careful to the point where he would limit his driving to late nights but at the same time could be stupid enough to run a stop sign. In the end, Travis decides he thinks the plaintiff should win the case.

8:40 AM: Hafner receives a phone call from his mother in North Dakota. He finds himself explaining to her once again what the nickname "Pronk" means. "Well, I just don't understand why the boys can't call you Travis. That is your name after all," she says before they hang up.

9:00 AM: Travis takes a 40 minute nap.

9:50 AM: Travis and Amy have a 25 minute discussion about weather or not they should buy a pet Duck-Billed Platypus. Travis claims he has wanted one his entire life and promises he will take care of it. The conversation ends with Amy saying, "I'll think about it."

10:02 AM: Travis gets in his truck and heads to Insurance Company Field for work. During his ride to the stadium he sees how long he is able to drive with no-hands before he swerves off the road. He makes it 90 seconds.

10:50 AM: Hafner enters the Indians clubhouse and heads to his locker. He notices that someone has changed his name plate from T HAFNER to T F'HER. He suspects it was Casey Blake.

11:55 AM: During batting practice Hafner tells Ben Francisco that he can break a bat just by swinging it through the air as hard as he can. Francisco bets him $100 he can't do it.

11:56 PM: Travis owes Francisco $100.

1:02 PM: During pregame introductions Hafner instinctively "raises the roof" when his name is called. Ryan Garko catches him doing it and begins to laugh while mockingly "raising the roof" himself. Hafner turns beet red and takes a seat on the bench.

1:37 PM: In a 1-2 count during his first at-bat, Hafner digs in for the fourth pitch. While Texas pitcher Doug Mathis rocks into his delivery, a thought pops into Hafner's head. "Maybe the defendant in that Judge Judy show was actually innocent. And really, stop signs shouldn't even apply to drivers after like 2AM -- or at least maybe just enforce a rolling stop." Hafner watches strike three zip down the middle.

2:20 PM: Travis intensely focuses on the jubmotron as "Which Hat is the Ball Under" plays for the crowd. Hafner wins. He brags to Jamey Carroll that he is now 12-4 on the season.

2:35 PM: Travis picks up a spare first baseman's glove he finds on the bench and puts it on. It feels way too weird and he quickly takes it off.

2:44 PM: While the Indians are in the field, Travis sits alone on the bench. He begins humming the Billy Idol version of "Mony, Mony" to himself. An incredible urge to actually hear the song then overtakes him. Realizing he isn't due to bat for quite a while Hafner heads out to the parking lot to his truck -- he is sure he has "Mony, Mony" in his CD collection.

2:52 PM: In full uniform, Travis sits in his truck -- windows rolled up -- and listens to "Mony, Mony" two times in a row.

3:04 PM: Manager Eric Wedge asks Hafner where he has been for the last 10 minutes. Travis tells him he was watching tape of his first two at bats in the media room.

4:17 PM: Game over, Indians lose. Hafner watches his defeated teammates and gages what his appropriate post-game behavior should look like.

5:25 PM: Hafner walks into the shower. He notices Casey Blake again showering in a bathing suit but is unable to build up the nerve to ask him why.

6:30 PM: Grady Sizemore, Cliff Lee, Victor Martinez, and Hafner head to a downtown bar for a few beers. All four get text messages from David Dellucci which they ignore. "No, don't get me wrong, its not that I don't like the guy. Its just, you know, all he ever talks about is his friends from high school, I just can't take that tonight man," Lee explains to the group.

9:59 PM: Travis arrives home to his wife Amy. She warms him up a Capn' Crunch steak from earlier that morning and tells him she has a suprise.

10:01 PM: Amy enters the living room where Travis is eating. She is holding a cage and inside is an Australian imported Duck-Billed Platypus. Travis is ecstatic. He says he wants to name his new pet "Brad."

10:30 PM: Travis and Amy lie in bed and watch a few reruns of Home Improvement as they doze off. Brad lies at their feet.

2:42 AM: Travis awakes to use the bathroom. On his way out the door he accidentally steps on Brad, slips backwards flailing into mid-air, and eventually lands square on his right shoulder.

2:52 AM: Travis takes several Advil and slides back into bed. "I'm sure it'll feel fine tomorrow," he thinks of his hurt shoulder before falling back asleep.