The Brighter Side of the Browns

The scary thing about yesterday's second half meltdown against the Ravens is that it felt a bit too normal. Doesn't losing that game just seem natural at this point? I mean, what'd you expect, a defensive stand? A comeback?

But I don't won't to dwell on the negative. Saying nasty stuff about the 2008 Cleveland Browns is too easy. So instead of ripping into D.A., Romeo, and the rest of the gang, let's take a look at some of the things that have actually gone Cleveland's way this season:

--The Browns' travel coordinators have been absolutely stellar. The team has successfully arrived, on time, to every single road game this season. 4 for 4 and counting -- you can't argue with those numbers!

--For the most part, every offensive player has been running towards the correct endzone on each play.

--The Browns have experienced exactly zero on-field decapitations this season.

--Brady Quinn has yet to physically or verbally assault a gay person in public.

--No one can criticize the 08' Browns for are their duds. Each week fans have come to expect stain free uniforms showcasing clean and vibrant colors. Whomever is in charge of the team's laundry department deserves a plaque for their hard work this season.

--Derek Anderson's hand off success rate is well over 90%.

--Cleveland Browns Stadium has had no major alien attacks/invasions during home games this year. In fact, there has been zero reports of any roving alien space crafts within 10 miles of the field at any point this season.

--As of this week Braylon Edwards' hands are still able to open car doors, operate ATM's, grip silverware, and press 4 out of the 5 buttons on "Guitar Hero."

Grady Strikes a Pose

Cleveland sports fans have another athlete turned male model to cheer for. Grady Sizemore (I know, how does Phil Dawson keep getting overlooked?) graces the pages of Men's Vogue October issue.

The photos showcase a suave Grady hanging out with mysterious women, harassing little kids, and wearing $5,000 bomber jackets in various downtown locations. The interview portion of the photo shoot is particularly interesting because of Sizemore's uncanny ability to speak about himself while simultaneously saying nothing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ripping Grady for his ultra gray comments -- in fact, it's one of the things I like most about him. He's like a riddle no one can solve. Grady Sizemore could be a vampire serial killer, preying on the Cleveland elderly, and he's neighbors wouldn't suspect a thing.

Anyway, getting back to Sizemore's modeling work, the picture below is my favorite (from Sizemorefan.com):

What the heck? Is this suppose to be some kind of metaphor? Is that Sizemore as a child? Or does Grady show up to little league games every now and then and just stand in the batters box?

"Honey, who is that man that just walked out onto the field? Why won't he get out of Brian's way?"

"I don't know, but he sure dresses sharp."

Kellen Winslow Watches the Browns Game

The following is an account of Kellen Winslow Jr.'s afternoon during the Browns 23-17 victory over Jacksonville. Winslow, inactive from the game because earlier in the week he hurt GM Phil Savage's feelings, watched the action from his Cleveland area home.

3:57 PM: Winslow plops himself onto a couch and flips on his 140-inch liquid crystal flat screen TV.

4:01 PM: As coverage of the game begins, Winslow grabs a pen and opens up a fresh notebook. During the next three hours he will log every single thing the announcers say regarding his current situation.

4:32 PM: After Derek Anderson completes a 3-yard TD pass to Donte Stallworth, Winslow mutters "whatever" under his breath and quickly turns off his TV.

4:33 PM: Winslow turns his TV back on.

4:59 PM: Winslow takes exception when he sees RB Jamal Lewis exchange an intricate high five with C Hank Franley. "Hey! That's my hand shake -- I made it up last year. You guys can't do that without me there. Jerks!"

5:02 PM: As Winslow scribbles down some of the comments made regarding his absence, he notices he's written the word "staph" at least a dozen times. Intrigued by the word, he begins to repeatedly say it over and over, eventually replacing classic song lyrics with it. He spends the next 7 minutes singing the tunes "Staph by Me" and "Staph in Black."

5:09 PM: Winslow becomes physically agitated when he spots his replacement, Steve Heiden, enter the game. He clenches his fists.

5:10 PM: Anderson completes a 51-yard completion to Heiden, energizing the Browns offense. Kellen sees red. As he wildly punches into the air he turns over his sofa, dropkicks a halogen lamp, and throws a bowl of Cheddar Cheese Combos at his pet ferret, Simon.

5:11 PM: After the tantrum Winslow calls his agent, Drew Rosenhaus. When Rosenhaus answer Kellen says nothing -- just breathes heavily into receiver. "Kellen, is that you again? You can't keep doing this," says Rosenhaus. Winslow hangs up.

5:14 PM: As he restores his living room "pre-Heiden," Winslow pleads with Simon for forgiveness. "Come on man, you know I'd never do anything to hurt you. One more chance, that's all I'm asking for."

5:18-6:20 PM: Winslow becomes distracted from the game when he realizes the Discovery Channel is running an all day "Man vs. Wild" marathon.

6:21 PM: Winslow returns to the game, which is now tied at 17. Kellen is calm. "Alright boys, let's pull this one out," he happily chirps at his TV.

6:22 PM: A replay is shown of Steven Heiden's reception from earlier along with the TE's stats for the day. Kellen bites his lip.

6:24 PM: Derek Anderson to Steve Heiden...complete pass. "And again, Heiden making the best of Kellen Winslow's suspension," the announcer declares. It's too much for and Winslow and he freaks once again. He takes off all of his clothes, karate chops his coffee table in half, throws a lava lamp into his TV set, and head butts Simon in the face. "I'm not a piece of meat!" he tells the ferret.

6:28 PM: To cool off, Winslow does 400 push-ups, screaming the entire time.

6:48 PM: Using a paring knife, Winslow carves the initials "S.H." into his chest.

7:02 PM: After a couple of 4th quarter Phil Dawson field goals the Browns win. Still nude, Winslow stares at his television and laughs uncontrollably. "Well played my friends, well played. Check. Mate!"

Braylon Edwards: The Time Altering, Game Erasing Wide Receiver

My favorite part about the Browns upset over the NY Giants on Monday Night has got to be Brayon Edwards comments before, during, and after the game. Edwards, who I can only assume is having a steamy sex affair with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, repeatedly insisted that a win against the Giants would "make us 2-0" and "give us a fresh start with a 14 game season."

Huh?

Now, I understand this sort of talk is usually just a mental ploy for players and coaches, but the tone in Edwards' voice seemed a bit too certain. What does he know that the rest of us don't? In his mind, what has happened to the first 3 games of the season? Have they fallen into some sort of football vortex?

Anyway, you can't argue with the advantage Braylon's scheduling theory gives the team. Here's what the new standings look like heading into next week:

AFC North

Cleveland Browns -- 2-0

Pittsburgh Steelers -- 4-1

Baltimore Ravens -- 2-3

Cincinnati Bengals -- 0-6

I just hope the Browns are able to pull out another win against Washington -- otherwise they could be facing a 0-0 record going into week 8.

How Do You Get Jacked?

As Monday night looms -- and a national spotlight grows brighter -- a few of your favorite Browns reveal some of the unusual ways they prepare for big games.

Jamal Lewis, RB: "The morning before kickoff I play a game of John Madden Football on Playstation. I pick the Browns and give Jamal Lewis anywhere from 90-95 carries. At the end of the game, when they show personal stats, I snap a Polaroid of my TV screen. Then I take that picture, tape it to my jock strap, and play all four quarters with it there."

Braylon Edwards, WR: "I hang myself upside down and listen to OMC's "How Bizarre" over and over until the battery in my iPod is drained."

Dave Zastudil, Punter: "I drive to the Metroparks and find a swampy area inhabited by mallord ducks. I throw a bunch of bread crumbs into the air and wait for them to take the bait. Then, when I have a few in mid-flight, about 5 or 6 feet above ground, I try to kick them out of the air. Not only is it great for my foot-eye coordination but it gives me a chance to be around and feed the wildlife in my community."

Shaun Rogers, NT: "I usually sit down with a good Steinbeck novel. Then I eat it."

Kamerion Wimbley, LB: "I make 5 life size paper mache statues and dress them in the jerseys of whichever team we are playing that week. Then I line up the paper men on a side street near my house and drive full speed into them with my Jeep."

Kellen Winslow, TE: "I like to fill my bathtub up with 80-90 pieces of French toast and 4-5 gallons of maple syrup. Then I just lie in the spongy goo for an hour or so and watch Braveheart."

Phil Dawson, K: "Heroin."

Ken Dorsey, QB: "I usually just go down into my basement and scream the "F-word" as loud as I can until I throw up. It's when I know I ready to play some football."

Getting Dirty with the Browns

At 0-3, it's safe to say the 2008 Cleveland Browns are securing a reputation as a lowly gang of football losers. But it now appears these losers have a new identity brewing amongst NFL teams -- that of total badass cheap shot taking thugs.

First there was Adam Jones of the Cowboys accusing Browns DB Nick Sorenson of grabbing and squeezing his privates after a punt return. And now this past week the Baltimore Ravens are claiming Browns defenders violently (and purposely) gauged the eyes of RB Willis McGahee.

And as these stories of brutish behavior surface it appears more and more teams are coming out against the Browns' dirty play. Several of Cleveland's opponents from the 2007 season are now sharing stories of alleged cheap shots. Below are accounts of some of these instances:

October 7th vs. New England Patriots: New England lineman allege center Hank Fraley pasted small razor blades and pieces of glass onto the palms of his gloves in order to rip and tear the arm flesh of Patriot defenders.

November 4th vs. Seattle Seahawks: Several Seahawk receivers have accused Browns cornerbacks Leigh Bodden and Brandon McDonald of sipping Tabasco sauce before crucial 3rd down plays and then spitting the liquid into their faces as the ball is snapped.

November 11th vs. Pittsburgh Steelers: Ben Roethlisberger claims Browns linebacker Kamerion Wimbley delivered what he refers to as "the ultimate late hit." The Steelers QB says that well after the game had ended, while he was showering back in the lockers, Wimbley -- in full padding and uniform -- delivered a shoulder-to-back tackle. Roethlisberger commented, "then after we both hit the wet ground he just popped up as though we were still on the field, did a little celebratory shimmy over my naked body, and ran away. To me, that's just not how you're suppose to play the game of football."

December 16th vs. Buffalo Bills: The Browns, who apparently received advanced DVD copies of the hit television show Lost, had no qualms using their advanced knowledge of the series as a strategical tactic. Bills QB Trent Edwards states, "while we were in our huddle, players from Cleveland would spontaneous yell out secrets and vital plot points (from Lost) at us. As the game worn on it became almost impossible to get my guys to focus. Does Jack and Kate's relationship really begin to fall apart in the flash forwards? Are Sayid and the Others actually able to free Ben from the mercenaries? This is all the guys were thinking about out on the field. We didn't know if the Browns were telling the truth or not but after a while it really didn't matter. The whole thing was a big time cheap shot in my book."

December 23rd vs. Cincinnati Bengals: It's been reported that at least 3 unidentified Browns players made prank phone calls, during the game, to the mothers of several Bengals players informing them that their son 'has just been involved in a serious car accident.' While this didn't technically affect the game on the field, it is no doubt a total dick move.

The Most Awkward Elevator Ride in Cleveland Browns History

Berea, OH -- Cleveland Browns Training Facility/Complex -- Mid-Afternoon

A glum Derek Anderson stands alone in an elevator when the doors open to reveal a smiling Brady Quinn joking with a couple of teammates. Quinn, holding the current Browns playbook, enters the elevator and notices Anderson. His smile fades.

Quinn (hesitant): Hey.

Anderson (looking straight ahead): Hey.

Quinn: I can just catch the next one if--

Anderson: No, its fine. Where you heading?

Quinn: Top floor.

Anderson: Top floor? To see Coach Crennel?

Quinn: Yeah.

Anderson: What for?

Quinn: Some meeting with him and Scherer (quarterbacks coach).

Anderson: Huh? Why don't I know about this?

Silence.

Quinn (noticing no other floors are lit): Where you getting off?

Anderson: Nowhere. I'm just riding -- trying to clear my head.

Silence. Quinn looks at his watch.

Anderson: So, how were my--I mean your-- snaps in practice today?

Quinn: Um, they were good -- I felt pretty sharp out there.

Anderson: Yeah, I bet you did.

Silence. Quinn scratches his forehead.

Quinn: You get a haircut?

Anderson: Man, I wish Notre Dame had like an 8-year football program. That way you'd still be there.

Silence.

Anderson: I didn't mean that, I'm sorry.

Quinn: It's cool.

Silence. Quinn touches the brail below the "2" elevator button.

Quinn: Hey man, the first three games aren't entirely on your shoulders -- I just want you to know that.

Anderson: Who said they were?

Silence.

Quinn: Boy, this sure is a slow elevator.

Silence.

Elevator doors open. 3rd string quarterback Ken Dorsey is standing on the other side and blankly stares at both Quinn and Anderson.

Dorsey: I'll catch the next one.

Quinn: No, come on in, there's plenty--

Dorsey runs away and the doors shut.

Quinn: Hey, you see The Dark Knight yet? It was pretty awesome.

Anderson: We played three tough teams -- with three top-notch defenses. You really think you could have done better?

Silence. Quinn begins to whistle the theme song to "Step By Step."

Elevator doors open to top floor and Quinn steps out into hallway.

Anderson: Hey Brady.

Quinn turns around.

Quinn: Yeah?

Anderson: Just promise me one thing.

Quinn: What's that?

Anderson: Give me your word that every Sunday you'll do everything in your power to take care of my men.

Quinn: You know I will.

The doors begin to close. Anderson slumps his head down and throws up an open hand into the air. Doors shut.

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You...Dave Burba

International man of wonder, Dave Burba, was recently featured in a "Where are they now?" piece for Indians.com. The standout nugget of info that emerges from the story is definitely this:

"(Burba) recently finished filming his acting debut in an upcoming movie..."

What? Burba's going to be a movie star? Wow, I don't even know where to begin. First off -- genius casting for whatever role in whatever kind of movie this is. I mean, really, what took this long to put Burba in front of a camera anyway? I guarantee you in two years Hollywood producers will be kicking themselves for overlooking Burba in favor of Clooney, Pitt or McConaughey.

So I guess the real question here is just what kind of acting role could possibly be grand enough for Dave Burba? I honestly can't imagine him NOT portraying someone along the lines Genghis Khan, George Washington, or a 100-foot tall alien robot who can kill people just by thinking about it. Any part not on par with those would just be an insult.

The anticipation for this movie's release is already beginning to eat away at my consciousness. The only thing keeping me from total self-destruction is knowing that next year's Oscar for Best Actor is already secured.

Cooking with Shaun Rogers

Hi, Shaun Rogers here. When I'm not devouring quarterbacks on the field, you can usually find me devouring delicious meals in the kitchen. However, what many of you probably don't know is that I personally prepare and cook almost all of the food I eat.

Today I'd like to share an old family recipe with you I cook up and serve quite often. It's easy, fun, and as you'll see, fairly well-balanced. It's called "4 Layers to the Sun" and it's a lasagna dish.

4 Layers to the Sun

Step 1: First, you want to begin with the base of the dish -- the sauce. In my travels, I've come to find that if you prepare a good sauce, everything else will usually fall in line. For "4 Layers" you want to mix two 4 cans of tomato paste with a one pound of ground beef, one pound of smoked ham, 1/2 pound of sausage, 1/2 pound of turkey breast, 1/3 pound of pork, 1/3 pound of venison, and 12 strips of boiled bacon.

Step 2: In a separate bowl melt 2 sticks of salted butter and mix in chopped onions, celery, carrots, broccoli, red peppers, green peppers, eggplant, mangos and garlic. Combine the meat sauce with the butter and veggies and let simmer on low heat for one hour.

Step 3: Carefully add your lasagna noodles into 4 cups of boiling water. For a extra punch I like to splash in a couple tablespoons of Mountain Dew to the boiling water.

Step 4: Lay your bottom noodle into a well greased (I use ranch dressing) 8x12 pan.

Step 5: Ok, it's time for layer one! I like to think of my lasagna as structurally sound -- which is why my base layer is filled with 3 Texas T-bone steaks. When laying the steaks in, you may have to put on your best "jig-saw puzzle hat" for rearranging. When the T-bones are in there nice and snug, cover them with a generous stack of fried onion rings and a half bottle of A-1 steak sauce. Finally, pour on a nice coating of your simmering meat sauce.

Step 6: The next section is what I like to call the "rise and shine layer." Why? It's primarily breakfast foods. Start with 6 pieces of french toast arranged on top of a fresh noodle. Then set down a thin blanket of Canadian bacon followed by 8 over-easy eggs. Top with 2 cups of Trix cereal and a helping of fresh maple syrup. Cover with meat sauce and lie down next noodle.

Step 7: For the third layer you'll want to prepare your taste buds for a 'journey under the sea.' Begin by spooning and spreading out 2 cans of dolphin unsafe tuna. Place 2-3 (depending on their size) soft-shell blue crabs atop the tuna and cover with 8oz of tartar sauce. Lastly, top with 1/2 pound of minced Humpback whale blubber (which you should be able to find on the Internet). Cover with meat sauce and lie down next noodle.

Step 8: The final layer in "4 Layers to the Sun" is aimed to satisfy your sweet tooth. Begin by lining the naked noodle with 14 Swiss Cake Rolls. Next you will need the bottoms of 20-30 Snickers bars (use a cheese cutter to slice off the underbelly, just before the peanuts) and stack the nougat slivers in neat rows. Follow that with a thick layer of New York cheesecake filling followed with a coating of jet-puffed marshmallows. Drizzle with Hersey's chocolate syrup, secure top noodle, and empty your remaining meat sauce onto the lasagna.

Step 9: Sprinkle dish with handfuls of mozzarella, pepperjack, Colby, Swiss, muenster, cheddar, provolone, brie, feta, parmigiana, and nacho cheese.

Step 10: Bake in oven at 350 degrees for 3 hours.

Step 11: Grab a spork and enjoy! "4 Layers to the Sun" feeds 1-1 and 1/2 people and is best served with a tall glass of Diet Pepsi.

Indians 2009 Schedule

At this point, the only thing a fan of the Cleveland Indians really has to look forward to is next year. Well, next year just got a little bit closer this week as Major League Baseball released the 2009 schedule. Below are some of the highlights:

--The Indians begin the season on April 6th with a 3 game series against the Rangers in Texas.

--The home opener at Insurance Company Field is April 10th with the Toronto Blue Jays.

--April 16th, the Tribe will play the very first game against the NY Yankees at their new stadium in the Bronx. This will be a great chance for the Indians to usher in a new losing era of Yankee baseball.

--The Atlanta Braves will pay a visit to Cleveland during the weekend of June 21st -- but not to play baseball, just to hang out.

--Because of a scheduling typo that Major League Baseball cannot fix, 2 of the Indians August "day" games will be played at 1:05AM rather than 1:05PM.

--May 25 will be "Fan Unappreciation Day." Vendors will only dispense 2 dollar bills and Canadian coins as change, the PA system will produce a constant hiss of feedback, and the jumbotron will display a giant middle finger all game long.

--During the weekend series of August 21-23, Indians players will wear retro home jerseys from the year 2006.

5 Things Not to Watch For In Cleveland vs. Pittsburgh

vs.

The Browns face the hated Steelers this Sunday night in Cleveland and the whole world will be watching. By now you know the story -- the injuries, the matchups, the 9 straight losses to Pittsburgh -- it's going to be statement game for the Browns (whatever that means) one way or the other. So, with that said, here are 5 things NOT to look out for at Cleveland Browns Stadium on Sunday night. Remember, these are all meaningless questions/thoughts to pay absolutely no attention to:

1. Will every (or any) Derek Anderson interception be followed by a reaction shot of backup QB Brady Quinn?

2. With one more sack, linebacker Kamerion Wimbley reaches a career total of 17 -- putting him 183 behind all-time leader Bruce Smith.

3. If down big, late in the game, how will the Browns defense respond to Ben Roethlisberger taking a knee?

4. Will 3rd string QB Ken Dorsey even bother to carry a helmet out onto the sidelines?

5. If/when Josh Cribbs has a decent kick return, who will be the first broadcaster to exclaim, "this is Josh's Cribb!"?