LeBron James is arguably the greatest Cleveland sports star of all time. In fact, LeBron James is arguably one of the greatest athletes to ever walk the Earth. And for the record, LeBron James is kind of a giant pussy.
It pains me to write that about a Cleveland athlete but after 4 years of watching James play I can come to no other conclusion. Its pretty much expected that he will take a phantom hit at least 2 or 3 times a game and roll around on the ground while his teammates run down the court to defend. At this point in LeBron's career I feel his ratio of points scored to face winces is about the same, somewhere around 30 a night.
I used to think the constant checking of the lips for blood and flaying around was his way of convincing everyone into thinking he was some kind of basketball warrior. "Oh man, LeBron is down you guys, this looks bad." 2 minutes later -- "Hey LeBron is up and running and he just dunked over 3 guys. That guy is so tough!" This was what I figured he was going for, trick everyone into thinking he's hurt and then wow them by playing through it. However, now I just think he has an abnormally low tolerance for pain. Why else would he continue this charade? It doesn't make any sense. The dude is 6'8, 250 lbs. -- he has more muscle in his neck than Asdrubal Cabrera has on his entire body. So why when he gets slapped in the face does it look like he is being shot in the taint with a pellet gun?
Listen, DeShawn Stevenson and the Wizards calling LeBron 'overrated' was moronic. However, Brendan Haywood's comments and cry baby impersonation was not only funny but fairly accurate.
So what's the solution? I think we need to embrace LeBron's pain issues but also try and counter balance them by turning his teammates into a bad-ass gang of wild animals. Surround the King with thugs and take a cue from the Wizard's and turn the trash talking up 1,000 percent. Cleveland has never had a team of bad boys. We are a city of Mark Price, Omar Vizquel, Bernie Kosar, and Brad Daugherty. The closest we got to a legitimate goon was Albert Belle. Let's transform the Cavs into a roster of Albert Belle's -- 4 guys on a court spitin' shit and beating ass while paving the way for LeBron to tear apart the opposition. I know its not an ideal strategy but 1964 was like a hundred years ago and at this point I really don't care how the city of Cleveland gets their championship anymore.
To help Mike Brown out here are a few suggestions to kick start the new Cleveland Cavilers bad boy campaign:
Start calling up D-League players and put them in for one play. That one play will be to "accidentally" pass the ball as hard as they can into the crotch of the opposing team's star player.
Start wearing leather pull-away pants.
Hire
Kimbo Slice as team counsel and advisor.
Have players and coaches make wild accusations during pre-game press conferences -- ex: Flip Saunders never graduated high school, Kirk Hinrich is a hermaphrodite and have Sasha Pavlovich threaten to burn down Steve Nash's home if he scores more than 10 points.
Make Wally Szczerbiak wear black eyeliner during games.
And while on the subject of crying basketball players, why is
this video not being shown when Kevin Garnett is introduced at the Q?
So what's the solution? I think we need to embrace LeBron's pain issues but also try and counter balance them by turning his teammates into a bad-ass gang of wild animals. Surround the King with thugs and take a cue from the Wizard's and turn the trash talking up 1,000 percent. Cleveland has never had a team of bad boys. We are a city of Mark Price, Omar Vizquel, Bernie Kosar, and Brad Daugherty. The closest we got to a legitimate goon was Albert Belle. Let's transform the Cavs into a roster of Albert Belle's -- 4 guys on a court spitin' shit and beating ass while paving the way for LeBron to tear apart the opposition. I know its not an ideal strategy but 1964 was like a hundred years ago and at this point I really don't care how the city of Cleveland gets their championship anymore.
