Mike Brown vs. The Call

Last night the Cavaliers were victims of a questionable call that ultimately cost them their 40th win. Up by one with less than a second left, official Joey Crawford called a foul on LeBron James that resulted in the Pacers winning the game via free throws. Afterwards no one was more agitated with the officiating than Cleveland coach Mike Brown:

"I went back and I watched the last two plays and that last call on LeBron was the worst call I've ever been a part of. I cannot imagine another worse call than that by that official. It was an awful call and for him to take away a basketball game from a team with .4 seconds on the clock is irresponsible. That is an irresponsible call."

Brown continues on.

"It was predetermined from the call that was made on the other end of the floor and it was very unfortunate because there were a lot of men out on the floor that were working their (butts) off to try to win the ball game. We got that game taken away from us on a horse shit -- excuse my French -- horsecrap call with .2 seconds left on the clock by that official. Absolutely horrible."

Brown then leaves the room, only to return moments later.

"Listen, I don't want to leave any of this unsettled or open for interpretation. Witnessing that call on the court tonight made me sad for basketball and sad for America. Calls like that only come around once in a generation. If that call were a color it would be the darkest of pitch black. If it were a sound it would be that of babies crying. And if that call were a person, so help me -- it would be Jeffery Dahmer. What I saw tonight with .1 seconds left in the game was the Jeffery Dahmer of NBA officiating."

Brown leaves once again, gets in his car and hops onto the freeway. Before the first exit however, he turns around and heads back to the arena and every reporter he can find.

"When I was 6-years-old I spent the night at my friend Brian Bolley's house. Late into the night we were woken by his drunk mother screaming on the telephone. On the other line was child services. Mrs. Bolley was calling to tell them she no longer wanted her son and that they should come get him within 24 hours or else she'd leave him at a bus station. The next day Brian was taken away and placed in a foster home, abandoned by his own mother. I've always said that call was the worst call I'd ever witnessed. Well, I can now safely say I've seen a more despicable call." Brown begins to weep and takes a seat. "I'm sorry guys, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. What's going on? Where am I?"

Finally, Brown leaves the arena and goes to his hotel room. But at 2:30 AM he grabs his phone, dials up every Cavs reporter he has a contact for and puts them on a conference call. He speaks in a whisper.

"I'm sorry to wake you guys but I just don't want to be alone tonight. I think the call is beginning to get the better of me. I can't get the sound of that ref's whistle out of my head and thoughts of physically harming myself are now starting to accompany it. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. Okay, I gotta go. I think the NBA might have this phone bugged."

Brown hangs up the phone.

After Hours with LeBron James

How do you celebrate a 52 point triple-double in New York City? Here's a glimpse into how LeBron did:

11:02 PM: LeBron, Ben Wallace, Delonte West and Mo Williams exit Madison Square Garden and head towards the Hummer limo waiting for them. LeBron suddenly stops, "Hey, I forgot something, you guys go ahead."

11:03 PM: LeBron approaches MSG, checks no one is around and gently presses both of his hands onto the arena. "You're the reason I wake up in the morning. I love you," LeBron says aloud. "I love you too," he then replies back to himself in a high pitched squeak.

11:28 PM: LeBron and company arrive at Jay-Z's 40/40 Club. "You guys got your ID's on you, this place will totally card...just kidding," LeBron says before laughing hysterically. Everyone fake laughs at LeBron's comment as though they've done so 1,000 times before.

11:32 PM: LeBron flags down a waitress and orders a round of what he calls his "Triple Double Cocktail" -- 1 double shot of Gin, 1 double shot of Bourbon and 1 double shot of contact lens solution.

12:40 AM: Wally Szczerbiak and Zydrunas Ilgauskas show up to the club. LeBron, who is chatting with Jay-Z, calls the two over. After being introduced to Jay-Z, Szczerbiak asks him if he's the same rapper who sang "Whoop! There it is." An angry LeBron tells Szczerbiak to wait outside until he's called back in.

1:52 AM: An NYU student purposely catches LeBron's attention from the bar. After filling his hands with salt, he throws his arms up in the air, imitating LeBron's talcum power pregame routine. LeBron immediately orders Zydrunas Ilgauskas over to break the kid's thumbs.

2:38 AM: LeBron decides he wants a change of scenery and the group leave 40/40. As they climb into the Hummer, LeBron notices that Wally Szczerbiak -- shivering from the cold -- is still waiting outside the club entrance. "Hey Wally, you wanna come with us?" LeBron yells. "Yes," Wally replies. "Too bad, go home," LeBron says as he closes the car door.

2:50 AM: Back in the limo, LeBron tells the driver to shout out any letter in the alphabet. "Um, R," the driver says. LeBron then pulls out his phone and types in R and indiscriminately chooses a contact and hits "call." It's Ricky Davis. Davis picks up and LeBron puts the phone on speaker for everyone to listen. "Hello? Hello? Who is this, hello? Come on!" Everyone in the car bursts into laughter and LeBron hangs up.

3:03 AM: The group stops in for another round of "Triple Doubles" at an Irish Pub.

3:59 AM: Delonte West asks the limo driver to pull over so he can vomit. While idling, LeBron notices a homeless man hunched over on a bench. "Follow me guys," LeBron says as he gets out of the limo.

4:02 AM: "Hey, you want to make some money?" LeBron says to the homeless man. "Sing the theme song to 'Cheers' and I'll give you 2,000 dollars." But before the man can even open his mouth LeBron and company begin shouting the lyrics to the song themselves. Afterward, James hands the man around 3,000 dollars in cash and says "good job."

4:28 AM: LeBron and Zydrunas Ilgauskas, eyes half open, sit in an all night diner eating a couple of gyros. "Z, I think my next NY shoes are gonna have to be designed with a gyro theme. That'd look awesome."

5:12 AM: LeBron stumbles into his hotel room, collapses onto a bed and falls asleep to a TV playing highlights from his historic triple-double a few hour earlier.

LeBrowns

When I lie my head down to sleep and shut my eyes for the night, I'm usually welcomed by 5 images. These faint illustrations flash into my mind without warning and I count on them to help me rest. They are comforting. They are warming. And most of all, they are awesome.

My first 4 "shut eye images" are nothing out of the ordinary -- things most good natured Midwestern folks probably think of. In no particular order, they are:

1. Time lapse footage of a Rubik's Cube being put together.

2. A million of the brightest stars in the galaxy forming a constellation of Dennis Quaid's grinning face.

3. A burning Fender Stratocaster guitar being played by a reptile/human hybrid.

4. Myself cruising around out West in a Ferrari made out of strawberry Fruit Roll-ups.

Then today I saw the following pictures on the Internet and almost freaked my seat:

That's my number 5! When I close my eyes at night I see these exact images!

Now I know this is just some commercial shoot for a fancy shoe or beverage, but I can't help feeling like LeBron has Freddy Kruger powers and is invading my thoughts. Either way, I'm going to start thinking about Wally Szczerbiak in a Pistons uniform a lot more often.

"Are You Serious, He'll Shake You Like Jell-O"

Move over 87Hizzetfield -- the Cleveland sports Internet music scene just got an upgrade. Earlier this week a LeBron superfan, who calls himself "lebronjames750", released the following music video, appropriately titled "LeBron James Song."



Some quick thoughts:

--The first 11 seconds of this video are by far my favorite part. From now on I plan to enter every music filled room with those exact moves -- especially the Mermaid-ish backstroke diddy.

--2 identical wine colored jerseys? My theory -- he put the jersey on his Christmas list and both his Grandmas bought one. After opening the second he just figured, "shit, you can't have too many LBJ shirts."

--The posters in his "cross-over garage" (at :36) are very peculiar. Near the left of the frame, you will find a white sign with a drawing of a hoop and ball (the ball is twice the size of the hoop) that simply reads "SCORE." Really? Score? Maybe it's some kind of "meta" observation on modern athletics -- I mean, "score" is the object of all sports after all.

--If lebronjames750 is right -- and LeBron James' does indeed fire off a gun on the court this season -- I really hope he shoots Kirk Heinrich.

--At first, the finger snapping near the end caught me off guard. However, after several viewings I must admit, it's a nice touch. Very "Fiddler on the Roof."

Rejected Nicknames for the 2008 Men's Basketball Team

Over the past few weeks you may have noticed something peculiar in the headlines regarding the U.S. men's basketball team -- they've dropped the "Dream Team" nickname commonly attached (it was so 1990's) and replaced it with the more suitable "Redeem Team." The transition to the new moniker was not as brisk as one might think however. LeBron and company endured a series of long and painful team meetings, discussing an array of possible nicknames. Below are a few of the suggestions Team USA tossed around that didn't make the cut:

The Scream Team (suggested by Tayshaun Prince): "After every free throw we hit all five men on the court scream their lungs out for a full 3 seconds. It will totally freak out some of those smaller countries like Angola."

The Sour Cream Team (suggested by LeBron James): "We'll all wear bright white suits during press conferences and at photo shoots. And for games we can bleach our hair and paint our finger nails white -- it will be hot."

The Seam Team (suggested by Dwayne Wade): "Listen, I just learned how to do a French seam by hand and can totally teach you guys the basics. We could customize the stitching on our jerseys in no time."

The Per Diem Team (suggested by Michael Redd): "We'll cut each fan in attendance a five dollar check and tell 'em to go out and 'buy something nice for themselves.'"

The Self Esteem Team (suggested by Jason Kidd): "If we tell ourselves we are worthy of gold at least 3 times a day then I don't see any reason why we can't achieve it."

The Laser Beam Team (suggested by Chris Bosh): "My cousin knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a place where you can get an operation done to have a laser beam dispenser implanted into your finger. It's supposedly pretty painless"

The Morphine Team (suggested by Deron Williams): "All I know is that taking hard fouls in the paint wouldn't hurt nearly as much."

The Fraudulent Credit Card Scheme Team (suggested by Kobe Byrant): "I've actually been looking into this for a while now and figure -- why not make it a team effort. Social Security numbers are floating around out there just asking to be stolen."

An Inconvenient Game

As the "LeBron ditching Ohio" debate rages on, I thought I'd take some time to discuss another LBJ story that's getting far less attention of late. If you haven't yet heard, earlier this week LeBron James released a brand new video game. Don't get too excited though (like I did) -- there are no basketballs, guns, bad guys, race cars, or laser beams involved. Instead, you get a grinning LeBron, a "yard sale" bike, several bottles of water, and a bunch of information on how to save the environment.

The game, an online production from Nickelodeon, is called LeBron James: Worldwide Big Green Bike-a-thon! (it can be played here: http://www.biggreenhelp.com/). In it, users control a bicycle-riding LeBron as he maneuvers through the streets hand delivering eco-friendly "tips" to frozen onlookers. Be careful though, if you ride too long without snatching up a bottle of water, LeBron will dehydrate and your big green adventure is over.

I will admit that I personally spent about 8 minutes fully engrossed with LeBron's bicycle shenanigans. What I found was a 100% creepfusing (creeping and confusing) video game experience. First off, I was puzzled as to why the game decided to take on a "dawn of the Internet" style of graphics and game play. A four button video game, really? I understand its for kids and Nickelodeon wants to keep it simple -- but come on. I've seen chimps playing more complicated games in National Geographic documentaries.

Second, I thought it was interesting that the entire basis of the game was LeBron delivering environmentally sound "tips" (in the form of leaflets) to pedestrians. It's difficult for me to get pumped over the idea of chuckin' "information" to people on the sidewalk. I also found it strange that you're allowed to toss around as many pamphlets as you please. More than anything else, doesn't this just promote littering?

The third, and most disturbing thing I noticed about LeBron James: Worldwide Big Green Bike-a-thon! was King James himself. As you play, he just slowly rides along, staring at you the entire time with a psychotic demon smile. And when you aren't transfixed on his face, you get to gaze at the flamboyant skin tight black uniform he squeezed his body into. Coupled with the red bike helmet that looks more like James' exposed bloody brain and you have quite the horrifying character.

So would I recommend giving LeBron's video game a shot? Yeah, whatever. It's pretty much just Paperboy with "practical" tips on how to save the planet (my favorite: shower with empty buckets and use the collected water to feed to your plants). I just really hope half-hearted online ventures like this one aren't the reason LeBron wants leave Cleveland for the big city.

In closing, I wanted to share some other video game ideas I think Cleveland athletes could pursue:

Brady Quinn's Gay Bashing Extravaganza: Players control Quinn, who rides on a float through a gay pride parade, and rack up points for hurling homophobic slurs at onlookers.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas' Airport Security Adventure: Try to get Z and his steel infused feet through Cleveland Hopkins Airport's metal detectors. Hurry though, or Ilgauskas will miss his flight home to Lithuania.

The Jensen Lewis Flight Simulator: Sit behind the controls of an authentic airplane and pilot yourself back and forth from Cleveland to Buffalo.

Scenes from the Future: LeBron Becomes a Net

Brooklyn Nets Press Conference
July 1st, 2010
Prospect Heights, NY

Hip hop mogul and Brooklyn Nets co-owner Shawn "Jay-Z" Carter enters a crowded New York media room to an array of flash bulbs. He sits down and at a table draped with a Nets banner and removes his sunglasses.

Jay-Z: Ladies and gentlemen of the press, thank you for attending this very special occasion.

(he takes a sip of water)

Jay-Z: The past dozen years have treated me well -- I've made made more money than I can count, sold 50 million records worldwide, released my own clothing line, opened several successful clubs, and married the most beautiful woman on the planet.

(he smiles and nods his head at Beyonce, who is in the first row)

Jay-Z: However, today might just be the day that all those successes are finally topped. Ever since I was a boy I fantasized about playing in the NBA. However, given the fact I can't dribble 3 consecutive times in a row or jump higher than a fire hydrant, my playing days never really blossomed. Turns out owning a team isn't so bad though-- I can still use all my competitive energy on a daily basis, which is important, because when I got into this I did so to win. Winning titles is all that matters. A few years ago, around May 18th, 2008, I marked my calendar as day 1 of the Brooklyn Nets dynasty. I knew then I would get the last piece to my puzzle. Because we all know there is only one player that can instantly spark an NBA title run in New York. Ladies and gentleman, its time.

(Jay-Z stand up with his arms spread out. Loud, bass-heavy music begins to blar)

Jay-Z: (yelling in his signature "Jay-Z" voice that he does during the beginning of songs) They said it couldn't happen! They said not in New York baby! 2 Kings unite! Young Hova! 2-3! New York, I give you...LeBron James!

(LeBron, decked out in a pinstriped 3-piece suit, emerges from the back of the room. He hugs Jay-Z and is given a number 23 Brooklyn Nets jersey which he shows off to the room of reporters. After 3 minutes of holding each others hands in the air the two sit down.)

LeBron: (smiling) Thank you, thank you. Wow, this is amazing. First off I just want to thank Jay, the Brooklyn Nets, and the city of New York for what has been an incredible 48 hours.

Jay-Z: 2 Kings baby! 2 Kings in one castle, ready to take the top!

LeBron: (laughing) As you can see, this has been a long time coming for Jay.

LeBron: I want to keep this short. Let me just say what an honor it is to be coming to New York and to be part of Brooklyn basketball's inaugural season. This city has always felt like a second home to me and I am now proud to make it my first. I look forward to getting involved in the community and bringing a championship back to the city of New York.

(applause)

LeBron: I always knew I would end up here -- the east coast was the next step logical in my career as a professional/entrepreneur. Its the big time baby, N-Y. With that said I want to also say that playing for Cleveland the past seven years was terrific-- it was a great place to start my career. It was just time to move on. I still feel nothing but love for the city and am sorry we were never able to put together a championship. Regardless, the fans there will always hold a special place in my heart and I hope they feel the same for me as I take this next step. I will finish here what I tried to start in Ohio and by the time I am done playing I will be wearing enough rings for two hands. Thank you.

(the music is cued up again while Jay-Z and LeBron walk off the stage together)

Does LeBron Dream About Basketball?

The Cavaliers have found themselves in a best of 3 series with the Boston Celtics. Last night's win was pretty refreshing. Daniel Gibson and Wally Szczerbiak hit their perimeter shots, Anderson Varejao and company played suffocating 4th quarter defense, and LeBron James did his thing (and according to TNT broadcasters he did it "with no regard for human life", which was something I thought was illegal not only in the NBA but in, you know, real life). I guess LeBron owning a home in Bath, Ohio -- home of super killer Jeffrey Dahmer -- makes a little more sense now. Hey, everyone has their heroes.

So here we are, on the eve of one of the biggest game 5's in Cavs history. As a fan I'm feeling pretty good. Surely LeBron can turn his "on" switch "ON" and we can take at least one game in Boston. This is an important series though, more signifigant than I think we realize right now. If the Cavs can manage to defeat the team with the best regular season record and reach the conference finals for a second striaght year, I think all the "fluke" talk will go away.

As I write this its almost 11pm. I can't help but wonder what LeBron James is doing right this moment. I want to think he is tucked away in a soft bed at a pleasant Boston hotel, watching a rerun of "Full House" as he falls asleep. He has a big day tomorrow and he knows he needs his rest. However, in reality I'm sure he is probably drinking $1,000 a sip champagne while texting Jay-Z and and getting his crotch massaged by a model.

But when LeBron does finally fall onto a bed tonight and shuts his eyes, what do you think happens next, dream wise? What on Earth could LeBron James, the most celebrated athlete in the world, possibly dream about? For some reason I've been thinking a lot about this and its proving to be some kind of a "Da Vinci code style reexamination of the human condition" brain buster.

Does he have nightmares about waking up with 2 left hands? Does he dream about basketball games where all the balls have been replaced with party balloons? Does he have some kind of horrid nightmare where he is at the foul line for a championship winning shot--only he is told if he makes it Wally Szczerbiak will instantly lose all his limbs. What to do--take the shot and make the Cavs champs or save your (3 month old) friend Wally? Maybe he just has dreams where he wakes up, gets dressed, eats some Cracklin' Oat Brand, and goes to work as an editorial assistant at the Akron Beacon Journal. Well, I suppose that would actually be a nightmare for LeBron.

Who knows? Let's just hope whatever it is he dreams about tonight doesn't affect his shooting tomorrow against the Celtics.

4 Albert Belle's and 1 LeBron = NBA Title

LeBron James is arguably the greatest Cleveland sports star of all time. In fact, LeBron James is arguably one of the greatest athletes to ever walk the Earth. And for the record, LeBron James is kind of a giant pussy.

It pains me to write that about a Cleveland athlete but after 4 years of watching James play I can come to no other conclusion. Its pretty much expected that he will take a phantom hit at least 2 or 3 times a game and roll around on the ground while his teammates run down the court to defend. At this point in LeBron's career I feel his ratio of points scored to face winces is about the same, somewhere around 30 a night.

I used to think the constant checking of the lips for blood and flaying around was his way of convincing everyone into thinking he was some kind of basketball warrior. "Oh man, LeBron is down you guys, this looks bad." 2 minutes later -- "Hey LeBron is up and running and he just dunked over 3 guys. That guy is so tough!" This was what I figured he was going for, trick everyone into thinking he's hurt and then wow them by playing through it. However, now I just think he has an abnormally low tolerance for pain. Why else would he continue this charade? It doesn't make any sense. The dude is 6'8, 250 lbs. -- he has more muscle in his neck than Asdrubal Cabrera has on his entire body. So why when he gets slapped in the face does it look like he is being shot in the taint with a pellet gun?

Listen, DeShawn Stevenson and the Wizards calling LeBron 'overrated' was moronic. However, Brendan Haywood's comments and cry baby impersonation was not only funny but fairly accurate.

So what's the solution? I think we need to embrace LeBron's pain issues but also try and counter balance them by turning his teammates into a bad-ass gang of wild animals. Surround the King with thugs and take a cue from the Wizard's and turn the trash talking up 1,000 percent. Cleveland has never had a team of bad boys. We are a city of Mark Price, Omar Vizquel, Bernie Kosar, and Brad Daugherty. The closest we got to a legitimate goon was Albert Belle. Let's transform the Cavs into a roster of Albert Belle's -- 4 guys on a court spitin' shit and beating ass while paving the way for LeBron to tear apart the opposition. I know its not an ideal strategy but 1964 was like a hundred years ago and at this point I really don't care how the city of Cleveland gets their championship anymore.

To help Mike Brown out here are a few suggestions to kick start the new Cleveland Cavilers bad boy campaign:

Start calling up D-League players and put them in for one play. That one play will be to "accidentally" pass the ball as hard as they can into the crotch of the opposing team's star player.
Start wearing leather pull-away pants.

Hire Kimbo Slice as team counsel and advisor.

Have players and coaches make wild accusations during pre-game press conferences -- ex: Flip Saunders never graduated high school, Kirk Hinrich is a hermaphrodite and have Sasha Pavlovich threaten to burn down Steve Nash's home if he scores more than 10 points.

Make Wally Szczerbiak wear black eyeliner during games.

And while on the subject of crying basketball players, why is this video not being shown when Kevin Garnett is introduced at the Q?