First of all, I know you are a busy man and I appreciate you taking the time to ---
Mel: Yeah yeah what is your question because I probably have the right answer kid.
(A little hesitant and somewhat terrified)
Uhh, as you know the draft is right around the corner and--
Mel: Oh it is?! I must have been in my "Mel bubble" the past year and have totally forgotten that their is a draft amongst the 32 franchises in the National Football League! I have been an ESPN draft analyst since 1984 and for some reason you think that somewhere along the way I would erase the 2009 NFL draft from my memory? Is that what you think?
(Most definitely terrified now) No sir, I just wanted to ask you what you thought the Browns were going to do with their first round pick this year.
(Mel stares at me for about 7 seconds and then combs his right hand through his hair)
Mel: Sorry for snapping at you kid, I've been up analyzing players from the MAC conference for the past 89 hours to see if they have that "X factor" when they wear black mouthguards as opposed to clear ones. Besides my hair is not parting the way it should be today.
Sorry about that Mel, I kn--
Mel: Please call me Mr. Kiper Jr. ... Now what was the question you were asking me?
(My pants now soaked with urine) Mr. Kiper Jr., what do you think the Browns will do with the #5 overall pick?
Almost like he has done this before, Mr. Kiper Jr. goes into a robotic ESPN analyst mode and looks past my head as if into a tv camera and breaks down the pick.
Mr. Kiper Jr. : What you have to look at is a player's body of work and if it will translate to the NFL. Looking at the Browns roster and their needs, they can go a number of ways. For this pick I think the best value is Michael Crabtree. Regardless of Braylon Edwards leaving or not it is still a position of need and according to my immaculate mock draft, he is the best available talent at that spot. Could you make an arguement for Brian Orakpo here, sure, but their are durability issues their. I think Crabtree provides the best value at that number 5 slot.
(Feeling absolutely satisfied with the response, I look to quickly end this chat with the erratic Mr. Kiper Jr.)
I appreciate you taking the time to chat with me. I understand that you have to get back on the plane to visit the remaining teams and compare notes with your fellow colleague analyst Todd McShay, so I hope all your mock draft dreams come true.
Mr. Kiper Jr.: Did you just mention Todd McShay.
No, no I did not. I better go.
Mr. Kiper Jr.: If I hear that name again I swear I will drop kick a guy named Murphy. Where does this young punk get off trying to take over MY air time for an event that I basically brought into the mainstream by MYself. First of all, like I said earlier, I have been on ESPN since 1984 doing this network a favor and this McHotShot guy comes in and thinks he invented the wheel because he predicts Matthew Stafford will go #1 to the Lions. Do I wish I had his young, chiseled face? Maybe, but there is one thing that never dies and that is firm, vibrant, and energetic hair. I am outta here, good day to you.