Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
But I don't won't to dwell on the negative. Saying nasty stuff about the 2008 Cleveland Browns is too easy. So instead of ripping into D.A., Romeo, and the rest of the gang, let's take a look at some of the things that have actually gone Cleveland's way this season:
--The Browns' travel coordinators have been absolutely stellar. The team has successfully arrived, on time, to every single road game this season. 4 for 4 and counting -- you can't argue with those numbers!
--For the most part, every offensive player has been running towards the correct endzone on each play.
--The Browns have experienced exactly zero on-field decapitations this season.
--Brady Quinn has yet to physically or verbally assault a gay person in public.
--No one can criticize the 08' Browns for are their duds. Each week fans have come to expect stain free uniforms showcasing clean and vibrant colors. Whomever is in charge of the team's laundry department deserves a plaque for their hard work this season.
--Derek Anderson's hand off success rate is well over 90%.
--Cleveland Browns Stadium has had no major alien attacks/invasions during home games this year. In fact, there has been zero reports of any roving alien space crafts within 10 miles of the field at any point this season.
--As of this week Braylon Edwards' hands are still able to open car doors, operate ATM's, grip silverware, and press 4 out of the 5 buttons on "Guitar Hero."
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
The photos showcase a suave Grady hanging out with mysterious women, harassing little kids, and wearing $5,000 bomber jackets in various downtown locations. The interview portion of the photo shoot is particularly interesting because of Sizemore's uncanny ability to speak about himself while simultaneously saying nothing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ripping Grady for his ultra gray comments -- in fact, it's one of the things I like most about him. He's like a riddle no one can solve. Grady Sizemore could be a vampire serial killer, preying on the Cleveland elderly, and he's neighbors wouldn't suspect a thing.
Anyway, getting back to Sizemore's modeling work, the picture below is my favorite (from Sizemorefan.com):
What the heck? Is this suppose to be some kind of metaphor? Is that Sizemore as a child? Or does Grady show up to little league games every now and then and just stand in the batters box?
"Honey, who is that man that just walked out onto the field? Why won't he get out of Brian's way?"
"I don't know, but he sure dresses sharp."
Monday, October 27, 2008
3:57 PM: Winslow plops himself onto a couch and flips on his 140-inch liquid crystal flat screen TV.
4:01 PM: As coverage of the game begins, Winslow grabs a pen and opens up a fresh notebook. During the next three hours he will log every single thing the announcers say regarding his current situation.
4:32 PM: After Derek Anderson completes a 3-yard TD pass to Donte Stallworth, Winslow mutters "whatever" under his breath and quickly turns off his TV.
4:33 PM: Winslow turns his TV back on.
4:59 PM: Winslow takes exception when he sees RB Jamal Lewis exchange an intricate high five with C Hank Franley. "Hey! That's my hand shake -- I made it up last year. You guys can't do that without me there. Jerks!"
5:02 PM: As Winslow scribbles down some of the comments made regarding his absence, he notices he's written the word "staph" at least a dozen times. Intrigued by the word, he begins to repeatedly say it over and over, eventually replacing classic song lyrics with it. He spends the next 7 minutes singing the tunes "Staph by Me" and "Staph in Black."
5:09 PM: Winslow becomes physically agitated when he spots his replacement, Steve Heiden, enter the game. He clenches his fists.
5:10 PM: Anderson completes a 51-yard completion to Heiden, energizing the Browns offense. Kellen sees red. As he wildly punches into the air he turns over his sofa, dropkicks a halogen lamp, and throws a bowl of Cheddar Cheese Combos at his pet ferret, Simon.
5:11 PM: After the tantrum Winslow calls his agent, Drew Rosenhaus. When Rosenhaus answer Kellen says nothing -- just breathes heavily into receiver. "Kellen, is that you again? You can't keep doing this," says Rosenhaus. Winslow hangs up.
5:14 PM: As he restores his living room "pre-Heiden," Winslow pleads with Simon for forgiveness. "Come on man, you know I'd never do anything to hurt you. One more chance, that's all I'm asking for."
5:18-6:20 PM: Winslow becomes distracted from the game when he realizes the Discovery Channel is running an all day "Man vs. Wild" marathon.
6:21 PM: Winslow returns to the game, which is now tied at 17. Kellen is calm. "Alright boys, let's pull this one out," he happily chirps at his TV.
6:22 PM: A replay is shown of Steven Heiden's reception from earlier along with the TE's stats for the day. Kellen bites his lip.
6:24 PM: Derek Anderson to Steve Heiden...complete pass. "And again, Heiden making the best of Kellen Winslow's suspension," the announcer declares. It's too much for and Winslow and he freaks once again. He takes off all of his clothes, karate chops his coffee table in half, throws a lava lamp into his TV set, and head butts Simon in the face. "I'm not a piece of meat!" he tells the ferret.
6:28 PM: To cool off, Winslow does 400 push-ups, screaming the entire time.
6:48 PM: Using a paring knife, Winslow carves the initials "S.H." into his chest.
7:02 PM: After a couple of 4th quarter Phil Dawson field goals the Browns win. Still nude, Winslow stares at his television and laughs uncontrollably. "Well played my friends, well played. Check. Mate!"
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
My favorite part about the Browns upset over the NY Giants on Monday Night has got to be Brayon Edwards comments before, during, and after the game. Edwards, who I can only assume is having a steamy sex affair with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, repeatedly insisted that a win against the Giants would "make us 2-0" and "give us a fresh start with a 14 game season."
Now, I understand this sort of talk is usually just a mental ploy for players and coaches, but the tone in Edwards' voice seemed a bit too certain. What does he know that the rest of us don't? In his mind, what has happened to the first 3 games of the season? Have they fallen into some sort of football vortex?
Anyway, you can't argue with the advantage Braylon's scheduling theory gives the team. Here's what the new standings look like heading into next week:
Cleveland Browns -- 2-0
Pittsburgh Steelers -- 4-1
Baltimore Ravens -- 2-3
Cincinnati Bengals -- 0-6
I just hope the Browns are able to pull out another win against Washington -- otherwise they could be facing a 0-0 record going into week 8.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Jamal Lewis, RB: "The morning before kickoff I play a game of John Madden Football on Playstation. I pick the Browns and give Jamal Lewis anywhere from 90-95 carries. At the end of the game, when they show personal stats, I snap a Polaroid of my TV screen. Then I take that picture, tape it to my jock strap, and play all four quarters with it there."
Braylon Edwards, WR: "I hang myself upside down and listen to OMC's "How Bizarre" over and over until the battery in my iPod is drained."
Dave Zastudil, Punter: "I drive to the Metroparks and find a swampy area inhabited by mallord ducks. I throw a bunch of bread crumbs into the air and wait for them to take the bait. Then, when I have a few in mid-flight, about 5 or 6 feet above ground, I try to kick them out of the air. Not only is it great for my foot-eye coordination but it gives me a chance to be around and feed the wildlife in my community."
Shaun Rogers, NT: "I usually sit down with a good Steinbeck novel. Then I eat it."
Kamerion Wimbley, LB: "I make 5 life size paper mache statues and dress them in the jerseys of whichever team we are playing that week. Then I line up the paper men on a side street near my house and drive full speed into them with my Jeep."
Kellen Winslow, TE: "I like to fill my bathtub up with 80-90 pieces of French toast and 4-5 gallons of maple syrup. Then I just lie in the spongy goo for an hour or so and watch Braveheart."
Phil Dawson, K: "Heroin."
Ken Dorsey, QB: "I usually just go down into my basement and scream the "F-word" as loud as I can until I throw up. It's when I know I ready to play some football."
Friday, September 26, 2008
December 16th vs. Buffalo Bills: The Browns, who apparently received advanced DVD copies of the hit television show Lost, had no qualms using their advanced knowledge of the series as a strategical tactic. Bills QB Trent Edwards states, "while we were in our huddle, players from Cleveland would spontaneous yell out secrets and vital plot points (from Lost) at us. As the game worn on it became almost impossible to get my guys to focus. Does Jack and Kate's relationship really begin to fall apart in the flash forwards? Are Sayid and the Others actually able to free Ben from the mercenaries? This is all the guys were thinking about out on the field. We didn't know if the Browns were telling the truth or not but after a while it really didn't matter. The whole thing was a big time cheap shot in my book."
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Quinn (hesitant): Hey.
Anderson (looking straight ahead): Hey.
Quinn: I can just catch the next one if--
Anderson: No, its fine. Where you heading?
Quinn: Top floor.
Anderson: Top floor? To see Coach Crennel?
Anderson: What for?
Quinn: Some meeting with him and Scherer (quarterbacks coach).
Anderson: Huh? Why don't I know about this?
Quinn (noticing no other floors are lit): Where you getting off?
Anderson: Nowhere. I'm just riding -- trying to clear my head.
Silence. Quinn looks at his watch.
Anderson: So, how were my--I mean your-- snaps in practice today?
Quinn: Um, they were good -- I felt pretty sharp out there.
Anderson: Yeah, I bet you did.
Silence. Quinn scratches his forehead.
Quinn: You get a haircut?
Anderson: Man, I wish Notre Dame had like an 8-year football program. That way you'd still be there.
Anderson: I didn't mean that, I'm sorry.
Quinn: It's cool.
Silence. Quinn touches the brail below the "2" elevator button.
Quinn: Hey man, the first three games aren't entirely on your shoulders -- I just want you to know that.
Anderson: Who said they were?
Quinn: Boy, this sure is a slow elevator.
Elevator doors open. 3rd string quarterback Ken Dorsey is standing on the other side and blankly stares at both Quinn and Anderson.
Dorsey: I'll catch the next one.
Quinn: No, come on in, there's plenty--
Dorsey runs away and the doors shut.
Quinn: Hey, you see The Dark Knight yet? It was pretty awesome.
Anderson: We played three tough teams -- with three top-notch defenses. You really think you could have done better?
Silence. Quinn begins to whistle the theme song to "Step By Step."
Elevator doors open to top floor and Quinn steps out into hallway.
Anderson: Hey Brady.
Quinn turns around.
Anderson: Just promise me one thing.
Quinn: What's that?
Anderson: Give me your word that every Sunday you'll do everything in your power to take care of my men.
Quinn: You know I will.
The doors begin to close. Anderson slumps his head down and throws up an open hand into the air. Doors shut.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
"(Burba) recently finished filming his acting debut in an upcoming movie..."
What? Burba's going to be a movie star? Wow, I don't even know where to begin. First off -- genius casting for whatever role in whatever kind of movie this is. I mean, really, what took this long to put Burba in front of a camera anyway? I guarantee you in two years Hollywood producers will be kicking themselves for overlooking Burba in favor of Clooney, Pitt or McConaughey.
So I guess the real question here is just what kind of acting role could possibly be grand enough for Dave Burba? I honestly can't imagine him NOT portraying someone along the lines Genghis Khan, George Washington, or a 100-foot tall alien robot who can kill people just by thinking about it. Any part not on par with those would just be an insult.
The anticipation for this movie's release is already beginning to eat away at my consciousness. The only thing keeping me from total self-destruction is knowing that next year's Oscar for Best Actor is already secured.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Today I'd like to share an old family recipe with you I cook up and serve quite often. It's easy, fun, and as you'll see, fairly well-balanced. It's called "4 Layers to the Sun" and it's a lasagna dish.
4 Layers to the Sun
Step 1: First, you want to begin with the base of the dish -- the sauce. In my travels, I've come to find that if you prepare a good sauce, everything else will usually fall in line. For "4 Layers" you want to mix two 4 cans of tomato paste with a one pound of ground beef, one pound of smoked ham, 1/2 pound of sausage, 1/2 pound of turkey breast, 1/3 pound of pork, 1/3 pound of venison, and 12 strips of boiled bacon.
Step 2: In a separate bowl melt 2 sticks of salted butter and mix in chopped onions, celery, carrots, broccoli, red peppers, green peppers, eggplant, mangos and garlic. Combine the meat sauce with the butter and veggies and let simmer on low heat for one hour.
Step 3: Carefully add your lasagna noodles into 4 cups of boiling water. For a extra punch I like to splash in a couple tablespoons of Mountain Dew to the boiling water.
Step 4: Lay your bottom noodle into a well greased (I use ranch dressing) 8x12 pan.
Step 5: Ok, it's time for layer one! I like to think of my lasagna as structurally sound -- which is why my base layer is filled with 3 Texas T-bone steaks. When laying the steaks in, you may have to put on your best "jig-saw puzzle hat" for rearranging. When the T-bones are in there nice and snug, cover them with a generous stack of fried onion rings and a half bottle of A-1 steak sauce. Finally, pour on a nice coating of your simmering meat sauce.
Step 6: The next section is what I like to call the "rise and shine layer." Why? It's primarily breakfast foods. Start with 6 pieces of french toast arranged on top of a fresh noodle. Then set down a thin blanket of Canadian bacon followed by 8 over-easy eggs. Top with 2 cups of Trix cereal and a helping of fresh maple syrup. Cover with meat sauce and lie down next noodle.
Step 7: For the third layer you'll want to prepare your taste buds for a 'journey under the sea.' Begin by spooning and spreading out 2 cans of dolphin unsafe tuna. Place 2-3 (depending on their size) soft-shell blue crabs atop the tuna and cover with 8oz of tartar sauce. Lastly, top with 1/2 pound of minced Humpback whale blubber (which you should be able to find on the Internet). Cover with meat sauce and lie down next noodle.
Step 8: The final layer in "4 Layers to the Sun" is aimed to satisfy your sweet tooth. Begin by lining the naked noodle with 14 Swiss Cake Rolls. Next you will need the bottoms of 20-30 Snickers bars (use a cheese cutter to slice off the underbelly, just before the peanuts) and stack the nougat slivers in neat rows. Follow that with a thick layer of New York cheesecake filling followed with a coating of jet-puffed marshmallows. Drizzle with Hersey's chocolate syrup, secure top noodle, and empty your remaining meat sauce onto the lasagna.
Step 9: Sprinkle dish with handfuls of mozzarella, pepperjack, Colby, Swiss, muenster, cheddar, provolone, brie, feta, parmigiana, and nacho cheese.
Step 10: Bake in oven at 350 degrees for 3 hours.
Step 11: Grab a spork and enjoy! "4 Layers to the Sun" feeds 1-1 and 1/2 people and is best served with a tall glass of Diet Pepsi.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
The Browns face the hated Steelers this Sunday night in Cleveland and the whole world will be watching. By now you know the story -- the injuries, the matchups, the 9 straight losses to Pittsburgh -- it's going to be statement game for the Browns (whatever that means) one way or the other. So, with that said, here are 5 things NOT to look out for at Cleveland Browns Stadium on Sunday night. Remember, these are all meaningless questions/thoughts to pay absolutely no attention to:
1. Will every (or any) Derek Anderson interception be followed by a reaction shot of backup QB Brady Quinn?
2. With one more sack, linebacker Kamerion Wimbley reaches a career total of 17 -- putting him 183 behind all-time leader Bruce Smith.
3. If down big, late in the game, how will the Browns defense respond to Ben Roethlisberger taking a knee?
4. Will 3rd string QB Ken Dorsey even bother to carry a helmet out onto the sidelines?
5. If/when Josh Cribbs has a decent kick return, who will be the first broadcaster to exclaim, "this is Josh's Cribb!"?
Friday, September 12, 2008
Some quick thoughts:
--The first 11 seconds of this video are by far my favorite part. From now on I plan to enter every music filled room with those exact moves -- especially the Mermaid-ish backstroke diddy.
--2 identical wine colored jerseys? My theory -- he put the jersey on his Christmas list and both his Grandmas bought one. After opening the second he just figured, "shit, you can't have too many LBJ shirts."
--The posters in his "cross-over garage" (at :36) are very peculiar. Near the left of the frame, you will find a white sign with a drawing of a hoop and ball (the ball is twice the size of the hoop) that simply reads "SCORE." Really? Score? Maybe it's some kind of "meta" observation on modern athletics -- I mean, "score" is the object of all sports after all.
--If lebronjames750 is right -- and LeBron James' does indeed fire off a gun on the court this season -- I really hope he shoots Kirk Heinrich.
--At first, the finger snapping near the end caught me off guard. However, after several viewings I must admit, it's a nice touch. Very "Fiddler on the Roof."
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
No one took the loss more personal than Braylon Edwards -- and no one took the blame any harder than the hands of Braylon Edwards...from Braylon Edwards. Confused? Me too. Below is an account of the conversation Edwards' had with his very own hands after the game.
Sunday -- 10:30 PM -- The Home of Braylon Edwards
Alone, Braylon stands in his kitchen, staring down at his hands -- palm side up -- in utter disappointment.
Edwards: Alright guys, it's time to have a talk. Now, Mike (left hand), Spike (right hand), you know we wouldn't be having this discussion if it wasn't 100 percent necessary. But he fact is -- this afternoon was a complete joke -- the two of you made Braylon Edwards look like a total butt turkey on national TV and I'm having a hard time even looking at you right now. It was probably the most embarrassed I've ever been in my entire life. Now, usually when Braylon has a bad game, the blame is shared all around. I make a point to never single out you -- or Xavier and William (legs), Roberto and Reginald (feet), and Nicolas and Sebastian (eyes). However, today is an exception. You guys really let me down. It was like we'd never even worked together before -- like you were attached to this body just hours before kickoff. I mean, what were you thinking? Why would you want to do this to me after all I've done for you guys? When did the two of you get together and decide to give up on the game? You are Mike and Spike -- you are part of a team, a winning team. Along with the others you help make up the greatest receiving specimen on earth: Braylon Jamel Edwards. You will not fail me again!
(Edwards turns the gas burner on his stove top to 'high').
I am only doing this because I love you. I am only doing this because I want to see you succeed. If Xavier or Sebastian ever sabotaged Braylon's performance as badly as you did this afternoon, they would get the exact same treatment. Alright, hold on my babies...
(Edwards places both his hands over the stove top flames and lets out a monstrous scream. After 3 seconds of burning he pulls away).
(grimacing) I hope you've learned your lesson. I look forward to working with you again next week because I know the two of you are winners and I can't think of anyone else on the planet I would rather have attached to my arms. Alright, its time for you guys to sleep now. Goodnight Mike. Goodnight Spike.
(Edwards slips his hands into a pair of winter gloves filled with hand lotion).
Saturday, September 6, 2008
5. If Coach Romeo Crennel is forced to challenge a play will he toss his red flag underhand or overhand?
Thursday, September 4, 2008
QB: Joe Montana
RB: The T-1000
RB: R. Lee Ermey
WR: An African Cheetah with surgically attached human hands
WR: Lucy Lawless
TE: Tony the Tiger
W/R: Criss Angel
K: Jackie Chan
DEF: Kimbo Slice, Boba Fett, and 9 separate clones of the "Kool-Aid Man"
QB: Randy Johnson
RB: Matthew McConaughey
RB: Eddie Van Halen
WR: Manute Bol
WR: Braylon Edwards
WR: A Hummingbird, who has been exposed to toxic waste, and grown 150 times its original size
TE: Evan (from MTV's Real World/Road Rules Challenge)
HEAD COACH: Maury Povich
TEAM OWNER: Scrooge McDuck
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Which brings us to this quote from Perry:
"I've been answering questions about 20 wins for 34 years," Perry drawled in his Southern twang last week, "so I'm glad it's somebody else's turn."
When I first read this all I could think was, "really Gaylord? This has actually been a problem for you? For the past 34 years people have really been demanding you answer questions about winning 20 games for a baseball team?
10/18/1978 -- San Diego, CA
Perry: Bartolo Colon, what about him?
Take it away "lady who kind of looks like Rosie O'Donnell"...
No word yet on what the Indians plan to do with the ball. Rumor has it Eric Wedge wants to inscribe it with "9/2/08" and then chuck it at Martinez's face as a way of saying "thanks for nothing."
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
But it doesn't stop there. The following players have been placed on an assortment of other "lists", most of which should have no affect on actual playing time:
Braylon Edwards: PUCS List -- Physically Unable to Not Look Cool in a Three-Piece Suit
Shaun Rogers: PUSOY List -- Physically Unable to Mix in a Salad or Yogurt Every Once in a While
Kolomona Kapanui: VUNPO List-- Verbally Unable to Have Name Correctly Pronounced by Ohioans
Romeo Crennel: FUPA Reserve List
Derek Anderson: EUCGS List -- Emotionally Unable to Care About Anything his Girlfriend Ever Has to Say
Phil Dawson: PUiP List -- Physically Unable to Use an iPhone
Donte Stallworth: CUGIGA List-- Culturally Unable to 'Get Into' the Latest Season of Grey's Anatomy
Brady Quinn: Fragile Face Reserve List
Dave Zastudil: UCFA List -- Unable to Convince his Father He's a Real Athlete
Steve Heiden: MUSP List -- Mentally Unable to Solve a Level Three Sudoku Puzzle in Less Than 20 Minutes
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Below is the official "3o/30 Club" form letter Grady Sizemore found in his locker after last night's game:
Dear Mr. Sizemore:
On behalf of Major League Baseball I would like to officially welcome you as the newest member of the 30/30 Club. Your balance of power and speed on the baseball field is most impressive and we are excited to induct you into our exclusive fraternity.
Over the next few weeks you will be receiving additional literature regarding club policies and procedures. During this early stage you will also be paid a visit in the late hours of the night by an anonymous masked 30/30 member. He will quietly enter your home, find you in your sleep, and brand your naked body with the "30/30" marking. And please, for the sake of your own safety, please do not put up any sort of struggle during this process. Until then I would like to take some time to briefly share with you what you can expect from the club and what we will expect from you as a member.
It's evident by your play on the field that you're a highly disciplined and focused person. As a member of the 30/30 Club we demand that same type of attitude and behavior at all times. You are now expected, Mr. Sizemore, to carry on and promote the ideals of 30/30 from this day forward, on and off the baseball diamond.
Firstly, you must be fully aware of the etiquette required when in the presence of a fellow 30/30 Club member. When entering a room, if another 30/30 member is spotted, you must greet him (before anyone else) with the customary "30 Hug Salute" (30 consecutive frontal hugs in a row). If you are to either explain or perform the "30 Hug Salute" to a non-member then let it be known -- there will be serious consequences and physical repercussions. Upon your first offense you will loose the fingernail of your index finger. A repeat violation will result in the repossession of your home and family.
Secondly, you are now required to attend monthly off season winter club meetings. These sessions will be held the third Thursday of every month at an undisclosed location (usually Jeff Bagwell's house). During these meetings you will have a chance to hear your fellow club members speak as well as raise any issues you feel pertinent. Upon arriving to the meeting location you will be stripped of all your clothing (in order to bare the mark of "30/30"). Once checked in you will be given a plate of 30 hard boiled eggs and 30 glasses of orange juice to eat and drink during the meeting. No member of the club will be permitted to leave the premises until each has finished all of their eggs and juice.
Finally, the 30/30 Club will begin to automatically deduct portions of your salary to pay for official club dues. These payments, around 9% of your annual income, will go primarily towards the future purchase of a small Pacific Island off the coast of the Philippines. The island, to be named "Thirty", will soon be exclusively inhabited by members of baseball's 30/30 Club. Once there, we will construct our own shelter, hunt for our own food, and set up our own laws and government. Only then will men of wonder like you and me begin to live the kind of lives we deserve. Note -- a smaller portion of your dues will go towards food and for Dante Bichette.
As stated above, more information will follow. We are excited and proud to welcome you to the 30/30 Club and look forward to your company.
Chief Operating Officer of The 30/30 Club
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Goodbye "Byrd Man," you will be missed (kind of). And no matter who this "player to be named later" turns out to be, I am sure of one thing, he will not have a cooler sounding animal name than you. Unless, of course, his name is like Tommy Panther or something.
Below is a farewell video to Paul Byrd:
--Ponytails (on men), in any form, are now banned from Cleveland Browns Stadium.
--If you are able to swallow your own vomit without considerable drippage, you will be awarded with a raffle ticket. At the end of the game your ticket will be entered into a drawing where you will have the opportunity to win an official Cleveland Browns refrigerator magnet.
--Fans are not permitted to remove their shirts at any point during the season until temperatures reach below 20 degrees.
--During the game, each fan is allotted a strict 3 minutes to publicly discuss any of the developments regarding their fantasy football team. Last call for bragging about your running backs and recent waiver transactions will be 8 minutes into the 4th quarter.
--If during your visit to Cleveland Browns Stadium you should encounter "Big Dawg" John Thompson, please refrain from looking him directly in the eyes. If you find yourself in a situation where you must speak to him, stare down to the tops of your feet, cross your arms behind your back, and begin every sentence with "Mr. Dawg sir."
Friday, August 8, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
The Scream Team (suggested by Tayshaun Prince): "After every free throw we hit all five men on the court scream their lungs out for a full 3 seconds. It will totally freak out some of those smaller countries like Angola."
The Sour Cream Team (suggested by LeBron James): "We'll all wear bright white suits during press conferences and at photo shoots. And for games we can bleach our hair and paint our finger nails white -- it will be hot."
The Seam Team (suggested by Dwayne Wade): "Listen, I just learned how to do a French seam by hand and can totally teach you guys the basics. We could customize the stitching on our jerseys in no time."
The Per Diem Team (suggested by Michael Redd): "We'll cut each fan in attendance a five dollar check and tell 'em to go out and 'buy something nice for themselves.'"
The Self Esteem Team (suggested by Jason Kidd): "If we tell ourselves we are worthy of gold at least 3 times a day then I don't see any reason why we can't achieve it."
The Laser Beam Team (suggested by Chris Bosh): "My cousin knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a place where you can get an operation done to have a laser beam dispenser implanted into your finger. It's supposedly pretty painless"
The Morphine Team (suggested by Deron Williams): "All I know is that taking hard fouls in the paint wouldn't hurt nearly as much."
The Fraudulent Credit Card Scheme Team (suggested by Kobe Byrant): "I've actually been looking into this for a while now and figure -- why not make it a team effort. Social Security numbers are floating around out there just asking to be stolen."
Friday, August 1, 2008
Colletti: Hello, this is Ned.
(towards the end of a 90 minute discussion)
Shapiro: So let me run this one by you one more time Bill. Paul Byrd, Franklin Gutierrez, and Rafael Perez for Huston Street and a player to be named later. Sound good?
Beane: It does. I think this is something we could defiantly hammer out Mark.
Shapiro: Fantastic. But one more thing, you of course know I've been talking about baseball cards the whole time, right?
Beane: Oh come on!
(Shapiro hangs up phone)
Shapiro: Brian -- listen, I have a deal for you that's unlike anything you've ever been offered. It's a one for one and I think you're going to love it.
Cashman: I'm listening.
Shapiro: Alright, I'm proposing you trade... me for you, you for me. A GM for GM trade blockbuster. I'll move to New York and take over your duties for the Yankees and you come to Cleveland to do the same. But it doesn't stop there -- we'll also swap wives, families and wear each other's clothes. What do you say?
Cashman: You've got serious problems Mark.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
... the (Browns) asked the 29-year-old Davis to accept a base salary for this season of US$1.675 million - down from the $3 million he agreed to when he signed a five-year contract extension in 2005. On top of that, the Browns trimmed two years off his deal.
"Money's the last thing on our mind,"..."I'm not worried," said the likable Davis, who is active in the Cleveland community and may be the most approachable player on the Browns' roster. "My wife (Monique) and I have hardly touched any of the signing bonus..."
Wow, are you serious? Davis says and does the kind of things all pro sports fans claim they would if given the chance to play games for a living.
Me personally -- I would have slapped Phil Savage in the face and burned down Berea. Then I'd hold a press conference accusing Romeo Crennel of hitting on me.
But not Andra Davis. He just wants to play football and hang out in Cleveland. And that's why he's the recipient of this year's "Cool Dude Award."
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
I think it's too close to call without some sort of official "Maury Test."
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Trevor: Dude, I don't get it. There's like two dozen hot girls here and not one has asked to buy you a drink yet. Back in the day you used to inhale body shots like it was your job.
Dorsey: That's what I've been trying to tell you bro. (hiccup) I don't know what the deal is -- it's not like the old days 'round here.
Trevor: But dude, you're Ken Dorsey! Ken "holds every passing record at Miami, nominated for two Heisman's, won a National Championship" Dorsey. I figured you'd be on cereal boxes 'round here by now.
Matt: Yeah -- you shouldn't be drinking at an Applebee's in Cleveland (takes sip of beer) you should be buying and selling 'em via stock markets and shit!
A young blonde woman approaches the trio and singles in on Ken.
Trevor: Well, hello.
Woman: Do you play for the Browns? My girlfriends over there claim they saw you at training camp the other day and dared me come over here and ask you.
Dorsey (rubbing eyes): No, I'm a player.
Woman: Oh my gosh (looks back to girlfriends and shakes her head)! Are you serious? Do you know a lot of the players? Please tell me you do -- because listen, I have to ask you -- do you know what brand of underwear Brady Quinn wears? We're all dying to know.
Trevor: Who cares about Brady Quinn, this is Ken Dorsey honey! He's a legend.
Dorsey: Yeah, I know Brady. In fact, I actually play the same position as him. I've even kind of mentored him.
Dorsey: Ummm okay, I think he wears Hanes boxer briefs.
Woman: Ahhhhhhhhhh! I knew it!
Laughing, the woman runs back to her table of friends.
Matt: What the hell.
Ken Dorsey stands up and paces back and forth down the length of the bar.
Trevor: You alright man?
Matt: Yeah, forget that chick. She doesn't know anything and besides, she totally had a duck face. Hey, let's do a shot, it's on me.
Matt orders three shots of Jägermeister.
Trevor: Dude, that's what I've been saying all along.
Matt: Yeah, with your o-line and receivers -- forget about it. Cleveland would be "Dorseyland" in a matter of minutes! Every kid in this state would be dressing up as "Number 11" for Halloween for the next 20 years.
Dorsey: They won't give it to me though. (turns voice into annoyed squeal) "Just keep running drills with the practice squad, Ken. Just keep working with Brady, Ken. Here Ken, hold this clipboard. " (turns voice back to normal) "You know what, you hold it Derek. And while your at it why don't ya hold my nuts" (spits into empty beer mug). Brady and D.A. -- a pretty boy and a dude that looks more like a hamster than a human being.
Trevor: Yeah! F 'em all (grabs crotch)!
Dorsey: Nah man, I don't mean that. (hiccup) Derek's my bro. So is Brady. I'd take a bullet for those guys. It's just -- no one in that entire organization knows what I'm capable of. You know that in my 2 years with the team I've never once thrown a pass to Braylon Edwards. Not even for fun. In fact, I don't know if I've even shaken the guy's hand.
Matt: I mean, how can they call you the backup's backup if they won't even let you play with the team's best wide out?
Trevor: For real. What the hell is wrong with this franchise? Did they just not watch college football during 2000 or 2001? Don't they understand they're flushing gold down the toilet?
Dorsey: Listen, I'm not saying I could just step under center -- game one -- and just (hiccup), actually that is exactly what I'm saying. I would tear it up right from the first snap. Game 1, look out Cleveland because the first ever 150 point game in NFL history was just brought to you by Kenneth Simon Dorsey.
Trevor (high fives Ken): Man, it's a shame. You got a pro bowl -- no scratch that -- you got a future hall of fame arm just wasting away here in Iowa.
Dorsey: We're actually in Ohio, Trev.
Trevor: Eh, same shit.
Dorsey: You know -- it's getting to the point where I'm just going to have to say something to Romeo next week (hiccup).
Trevor: You totally should.
Dorsey: I'm going to. (points to Matt) "Look Crennel -- you either start me or I walk. It's that simple. You put me in a game or I put my fist in your throat, got it?"
Matt (puts hands up): Woah, that was good -- no guys, I really mean it, you totally convinced me just there. I'm not joking.
Dorsey: Because here's the thing (rubs eyes) -- if I pack my bags and head to Canada next week I'm the star of the CFL and America just looks the fool for letting me go. The shit is political in a way.
Trevor: And just unfair to CFL cornerbacks trying to make a living.
Matt grabs the arm of a young man walking past the bar.
Matt: Hey! Look at that face -- do you know who this guy is? Do you?
Young Man: Uhhh, are you our waiter? Because we still haven't gotten our chicken quesadillas and its been like 20 minutes.
Matt (let's go of man's arm): Dude, get the hell out of here.
Young Man (walking away): Can we get some extra guacamole with them too?
Trevor: Dude, let's jet.
Dorsey: Yeah, I agree.
Matt: Let's just go back to your place and watch your VHS of the 2000 National Championship game.
Dorsey: It's already in the VCR.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Watch the video below and replace every "stranger" with "Casey." Also, it helps to imagine the lyrics are dripping with a thick layer of sarcasm.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Up first we have a "game used" Steve Kerr warm-up outfit from his rookie year with the Cavaliers. If you want to touch what Steve touched (with his entire body) you're going to have to shell out a whopping $695. Now, I understand the sports memorabilia industry base their prices off only what people are willing to pay -- but $695? Really? Would you even pay $695 dollars to have diner with Steve Kerr? What about $100? I would maybe, and I mean maybe, pay 695$ if I got to shake Steve Kerr's hand once a day, everyday, for 1 year. But he'd have to at least dish some dirt on Larry Nance during 25% of our 365 handshake meetings.
Also, I really enjoy the photo accompanying this item. It looks like the seller murdered Steve Kerr face down and his dead body just evaporated away.
Up next we have a pair of officially licensed Cleveland Browns sunglasses with detachable strap. According to the seller this item is "perfect for gameday or EVERYDAY!"
I honestly don't know what kind of human being would purchase this item with unironic intentions. Oh wait, maybe I do...
EXT. -- CUYAHOGA COUNTY FAIR -- NIGHT
MAN WITH BROWNS SUNGLASSES (WITH STRAP), JEAN SHORTS, AND "STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN" T-SHIRT APPROACHES A GROUP OF TEENAGE GIRLS NEAR THE ELEPHANT EAR STAND.
SUNGLASSED MAN: Hello ladies, how are you on this fine summer night?
GIRL 1: Are you talking to us?
SUNGLASSED MAN: Why of course I am -- what's your name sweetheart?
GIRL 2: Dude, you're like 40 -- leave us alone.
SUNGLASSED MAN: You mind if I snag a piece of that crispy elephant ear?
GIRL 3: Yes, we do. And why are you wearing sunglasses anyway? It's 10pm.
SUNGLASSED MAN (touching his sunglasses and fiddling with the strap): These babies don't come off until I lie my head to slumber. They are part of my body, my soul. Anyway, I wanted to know if one of you sweet peaches wanted to dance.
GIRL 1: Dance? There's no music you freak, we're at a fair.
GIRL 2: Listen psycho, I'm about to call my boyfriend over here -- maybe you can ask him to dance.
SUNGLASSED MAN: Alright, I'm outta here. But please take my card, if you ever need a fax machine fixed, I'm your guy. Adios.
And finally, we have a can of Pepsi from 2000 featuring a Cleveland Lumberjacks "buy one, get one free" promotion.
This one just baffles me. Who's collection isn't complete without this? What is the seller, a person who goes by the name"brewdude", even thinking here. Eight years ago did "brewdude" actually plan on saving this can of Pepsi with an IHL promotion in hopes that it would become any sort of collectible? Maybe he just thought that highly of the now defunct Cleveland Lumberjacks. "Man, they are about to go on like a 5 year championship run guys. The Jacks are a dynasty in the making, you'll see. This can of Pepsi will be worth millions!"
Monday, July 21, 2008
Thanks for the memory burn Tribe!
I should make 30,000 by the end of the decade -- I'm currently at 24,782. Ah, make that 24,783.
Friday, July 18, 2008
"A rep for the Cleveland Browns tells us Brady had no knowledge of the ad saying, "He was not involved in posting photos.""
Oddly enough Quinn is not the only Cleveland football player being used as a puppet for a gay website. The following ad was discovered by TDBR featuring a poorly photoshopped picture of Browns kicker Phil Dawson:
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Aaron Laffey: "After listening to nonstop coverage of Josh Hamilton's heroin addiction I decided to find out what all the fuss was about. Let's just say I had an 'interesting' two days."
Ryan Garko: "I house-sat for Grady. However, I got bored just sitting around so I replaced all his doors with "Fruit by the Foot" wrappers and installed a mechanical bull in his living room. I think he'll like it."
Kelly Shoppach: "I got super drunk, watched a bunch of late night TV and ordered about 8 dozen tubes of "Mighty Puddy" over the phone."
Casey Blake: "I actually went ahead with an operation I'd been waiting to get. I'm not going to go into details but let's just say I've bought my last cup."
Paul Byrd: "I worked on a new pitch for the second half of the season called "The Cloud Scraper." I throw the ball as high as I can into the air and hope it lands somewheare near home plate. It's nasty!"
Franklin Gutierrez: "All-Star game? So is that why no one was at the stadium when I showed up everyday this week?"
Jhonny Peralta: "Andy Marte and myself had a giant Jason Biggs movie marathon extravaganza. We watched all the classics -- Eight Below, Loser, Saving Silverman.
Eric Wedge: "I finally joined Facebook! And let me just say -- I'm so addicted to it too! I'm like finding people I literally haven't thought about since high school! And you have got to check out my SuperWall -- its SuperFab.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
For your viewing pleasure, I present you..."I Miss My Players/Homies" by 87Hizzetfield of Youtube:
--I'm not defending Mark Shapiro here, but he's actually only traded away 1 Cleveland Indian so far this year, C.C. Sabathia. Unless 87Hizzetfield is singing about injured players, Jason Michaels, or just the "spirit" of the team as a whole, there's no need to pluralize.
--The line about C.C. being "in a better place" is a bit confusing. This guy must have had a really great time in Milwaukee recently. Or maybe he's just a dairy enthusiast.
--If you didn't laugh out loud at what I consider the climax of the song, "trade David Dellucci, he sucks," then you need to reevaluate your life.
--Is it just me or did the song get really rocking there at the end? Very "Barracuda."
--Bottom line: there's no denying the appeal of "I Miss My Players/Homies". This somber yet heartfelt song should be played at Insurance Company Field after every Indians loss for the remainder of the year. It's the perfect tune to slowly stroll out of the stands to after an agonizing defeat.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Since many Gladiator fans have yet to watch an actual Gladiator game, I thought it would be fun to play a little "getting to know your players" exercise.
The game is called "Gladiator or Zoologist." It's pretty simple, I will provide you with a name and two brief descriptions. All you have to do is guess weather or not the person named is a current player for the Cleveland Gladiators or an accredited student of animals.
Let's get started:
1.) Craig Heimburger
Is Mr. Craig Heimburger a 320 lb offensive lineman for the Cleveland Gladiators who in 2001 played in 11 games with the Buffalo Bills?
Is Mr. Craig Heimburger a Cornell educated Zoologist who studies the modes and rates of reproduction exhibited by parasitic marine lifeforms?
Think it out...got your answer? Click HERE for the reveal.
2.) Bruce Cushing
Is Mr. Bruce Cushing a backup fullback for the Cleveland Gladiators who's scored 4 goal line TD's with zero fumbles this season?
Is Mr. Bruce Cushing an Associate Research Scientist who published a 1998 article about "the hawk-like aggression in the Hawaiian red lobster?"
Think it out now... click HERE for the answer.
3.) David King
Is Mr. David King a 6'5 former Ohio University linebacker playing his first full season in the AFL after being cut by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers?
Is Mr. David King a Zoologist at Southern Illinois University studying the complex behaviors and other evolutionary adaptations that emerge from the molecular organization of cells and genomes?
Ohh, that's a tricky one...click HERE to find out if David King is a "Gladiator or Zoologist."
4.) Otis Amey
Is Mr. Otis Amey a Gladiator wide receiver who racked up over 1,000 yards last year as a member of the Austin Wranglers?
Is Mr. Otis Amey the head of the Zoology department at Iowa State University where he's known for his active role in the groundbreaking "Hummingbird Flight Initiative?"
Click HERE to learn the true identity of Otis Amey.
5.) Clyde Roper
Is Mr. Clyde Roper the Cleveland Gladiators stocky place-kicker who nailed 17 of 28 field goals last season?
Is Mr. Clyde Roper a world-renowned expert on cephalopods employed by the Smithsonian's National Museum of Natural History?
Last one...how'd you do so far? Click HERE to see if you should or shouldn't be purchasing a Cylde Roper jersey for Saturday's game.
Alright, that's it for this round of "Gladiator or Zoologist." I hope you enjoyed playing and Go Gladiators!
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Holcomb will forever represent a strange era of Cleveland Browns football. An argument could be made that he was the one player who took the Browns from an "expansion team" and transformed them into "one of the NFL's premiere mediocre teams."
During his tenure in Cleveland, Holcomb managed to dethrone a number 1 draft pick, throw for 500 yards every other game (at least it seemed that way) and spark one of the most spirited football debates in Cleveland.
And for the record, I will proudly admit I was a "Holcomb guy." Being one meant something back then. It stood for "progress", "righteousness" and "democracy." His counterpart, Tim Couch, clearly represented "regression", "communism" and "beating up old people." Kelly Holcomb simply proved you didn't have to be a highly drafted fancy face to start for the Cleveland Browns.
I am also partial to Holcomb because I still own a bottle of his signature barbecue sauce, unopened. Though Kelly is done playing football -- I'm convinced that one day the collectible sauce will be worth millions. The Kelly Holcomb I know will make his name relevant again -- he'll probably save a bunch of animals from a burning zoo or something.
I wanted to end this post with a music tribute to Kelly Holcomb but I just couldn't find the appropriate tune. Apparently no one has ever recorded a song entitled, "Thanks Kelly Holcomb, You Kind of Made the Browns Good for About a Year and a Half and Had Two or Three Totally Awesome Games but Then Jeff Garcia Came to Town and You Left."
Oddly enough, Nickelback does have a B-Side track called "Thanks Kelly Holcomb, You Kind of Made the Browns Good for About a Year and a Half and Andre King Really Should Have Gotten Out of Bounds On that Last Play in the 2002 Playoff Game Against Pittsburgh." However, I gave it a listen and it totally sucked.
Monday, July 7, 2008
C.C. Sabathia Explains Why He's Moving to Milwaukee to the Old Lady in his Apartment Building Who Knows Nothing About Baseball
Miss Royer: Oh Carsten, how are you sweetie?
Sabathia: I'm good, I just wanted to--
Miss Royer: I'm glad you dropped by, could you manage to open this can of ham for me?
(Sabathia pulls back lid of ham and hands it to Miss Royer).
Sabathia: Miss Royer, I just wanted to stop in to say goodbye to you. I'm going to be moving to Milwaukee tomorrow morning.
Miss Royer: What? Milwaukee? When are you coming back?
Sabathia: Well, I don't think coming back.
Miss Royer: Carsten, why would you do such a thing?
Sabathia: Well, the baseball team I play for here in Cleveland actually traded me to another team up in Wisconsin. So, I gotta go play for them now.
Miss Royer: A baseball team traded you? But what about your job here in Ohio? What will you do for money?
Sabathia: (laughing) Well, the baseball team in Milwaukee will pay me Miss Royer. Just like the one here in Cleveland did.
Miss Royer: Huh? But I thought you worked over at the Ford plant full time. Don't you just play ball with the other neighborhood boys for fun -- like on the weekends?
Sabathia: No, I play full time. It's kind of my job.
Miss Royer: (struggling with another can of unopened ham) Honey, can you open this one for me too?
(Sabathia opens ham and hands it back).
Miss Royer: Now, what does the team in Milwaukee have that Cleveland doesn't?
Sabathia: Well, they've won a few more games this season. Plus, I'll get to hit the ball now.
Miss Royer: Carsten, the team here can't be good every year. Why don't you tough it out a while longer. You like it here, don't you?
Sabathia: I do. But Cleveland actually doesn't have enough money to pay me.
Miss Royer: (opening her check book) Oh come on now, if you're having money problems you should have let me known. I can help fill in the gaps and give you a few hot meals if it means you'll stay close by. What kind of salary are you looking for anyways?
Sabathia: 25 million dollars a year.
Miss Royer: (closes her check book) I think I just pooped my pants. How much did you say?
Sabathia: 25 million a year ma'am. Do you need to use the bathroom?
Miss Royer: No, I'm wearing a diaper, don't worry about it. Carsten, listen, I have to ask, are you hanging out with the Thompson boys down the street?
Sabathia: Huh? Who are the Thompson boys?
Miss Royer: They are druggies. They dope each other up and act all crazy. They bump organs with junkie tramps and say a bunch of crazy things like you right now.
Sabathia: No, no, I'm not doing drugs Miss Royer, I'm serious. You get paid a lot of money to play baseball.
Miss Royer: (struggling with a third can of ham) Can you?
Sabathia: Miss Royer, why are you opening so many cans of ham at once?
Miss Royer: I just figure -- while I have you here I might as well put your muscles to work. You're a good boy. And now -- your heading off to Minnesota to bounce balls for a billion dollars and I don't know what I'm going to do. You were the primary "canned ham opener" in my life.
Sabathia: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. Hey, how about if I have my friend Casey stop by once a week to check up on you? He's great at opening hams. How would you like that?
(Sabathia hands Miss Royer the last can of opened ham).
Miss Royer: I guess that would be nice.
Sabathia: Alright Miss Royer, I have to go pack. It was nice talking with you and I'll be sure to send a postcard from Milwaukee.
Miss Royer: Be safe Carsten.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Well, turns out Joe Borowski is a full-fledged save blowing connoisseur with a lifetime full of experience. Below you'll find some Borowski's more entertaining blown "life" saves:
Blown Save #42: Elementary School Theater
During a 1st grade production of The Wizard of Oz, 6-year-old Joe Borowski enters the stage for the third and final act as "The Man Behind the Curtain/Oz." Just as Borowski is about to deliver his first line and conclude the show, he begins to sway back and forth on stage. Young Joe then proceeds to vomit all over the Tin Man, Dorothy and Toto. Several children begin to cry uncontrollably and the curtain falls before the play can finish. "Thanks a lot Joe," says one classmate. It's not the last time he will hear those sarcastic words.
Blown Save # 2,424: At the Movies
Joe, an avid M. Night Shyamalan fan, attends a screening of The Sixth Sense for the 4th time during it's opening week. With 30 minutes left in the film, Borowski involuntary utters aloud, "Man, I can't believe Bruce is dead too." A shocked theater turns to Joe. "What the hell dude!?," a man asks.
Blown Save # 3,872: Surprise Party
The Cleveland Indians players and employees set up a surprise birthday party for assistant GM Chris Antonetti at BW-3's in Strongsville. As the party goers wait for the guest of honor, Joe realizes he left the card he bought Antonetti in his car. He quickly runs out to the parking lot to retrieve it. As he opens his car door he spots Antonetti walking towards him. "Hey, Joe, what are you doing here?" A bumbling Borowski tries to talk his way out of the question but fails miserably. "Uh, hey Chris, what's up? I'm just here to, uh, apply for a job, I mean (smacks himself on the head). What are you doing here? Is it your birthday or something? I mean, we aren't having a party for you in there or anything. Oh man, I gotta go, I'll see you later." Joe jumps in his car and speeds away.