Wednesday, April 29, 2009

4 Quick Facts You May Not Know About Former Indians OF Marty Cordova

Being an avid fan of Cleveland Indians baseball my whole life, I occasionally like to look back in the past and reflect on ballplayers that have come through this great city. Guys such as Alex Cole, Jerry "The Governor" Browne and Bill Selby will always hold a special place in my heart. Thinking of these amazing athletes, Martin Kevin Cordova popped in my head. I decided that I did not know enough about this man and dug up 4 things that you may not know about him. Here are my findings.

1. It is public information that Marty Cordova was born in Las Vegas. What most people don't know is that as a 2 day old baby, he illegally pulled the lever of a slot machine and had a lifetime ban placed on him at the Bellagio.

2. After receiving his plaque for winning the 1995 Rookie of the Year for the Twins, Marty secretly went to a local engraving business and had the letter R in Rookie changed to C because of his life long obsession with Chips Ahoy! Cookies.

3. It is also known that Marty Cordova fell asleep in a tanning bed and had to miss a few games while with the Orioles. What people don't know is that on that same day right before the incident, he had signed a lucrative deal with Tanning Bed Warehouse (TBW) and was to be featured in an issue of Time magazine. Unfortunately for Marty, he had breached page 37 of his contract and TBW quickly and quietly terminated his contract to save face.

4. Marty hit 122 career homeruns over his 9-year career. Marty secretly thought if you played at least 5 years in the pros, that at the end of your career you could trade in your doubles for homerun credit. Marty argued that every 2 doubles he hit, he should have had a homerun added to his career total. After 3 months of a behind-the-scenes struggle with Bud Selig and Major League Baseball, Marty Cordova lost. Cordova, who would have ended up with 218 homeruns if given the credit said in 2006 that he only wanted it for one reason. He wanted to boast and brag to fishing buddy Jeff Conine about having 4 more career homeruns than him.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Ryan Garko's eHarmony Questionnaire

Below you'll find the questions and answers to Cleveland Indians first baseman Ryan Garko's questionnaire. Surprisingly, Garko choose the "write-in" option for every single question he answered:

Which of the following marriage issues do you fear most?

A: fear of growing apart
B: fear of marrying the wrong person

C: (write-in) fear the DJ forgets to play The Safety Dance at our reception

What are your body-type preferences for your mate?
A: Thin and very lean

B: Muscular and athletic
C: Two boobs and a butt

If you decided to stay at home for the evening would you tend to:
A: read

B: watch TV

C: play “Hot Potato” with a cactus

If you were taken by your date to a party where you knew no one, how would you respond?
A: stay close to my date, letting him/her introduce me

B: strike out on my own, introducing myself and making friends

C: hide in the bathroom and masturbate until everyone has left

Which of the following scenarios would make you more nervous?
A: making a presentation to 500 people

B: talking about your deepest fears with your lover

C: sharing an elevator ride with Mark Shapiro

What do you think of "Soul Mates?"
A: there is no such thing

B: each person has one soul mate, whether they find them or not

C: It’s my favorite C. Thomas Howell movie

Financially, how would you characterize yourself?
A: Very frugal and financially conservative

B: Good at saving money with occasional unplanned purchases

C: I could buy a roller coaster if I felt like it

How do you feel about food?
A: I consider myself a gourmand and love to dine on elaborate meals as often as possible

B: I just eat to live, trying to be healthy and consume little

C: With my hands

Outside of a romantic relationship, are you competitive?
A: I'm extremely competitive

B: Most of the time I'm pretty competitive

C: Not really – unless I'm competing in a Fred Flintstone look-a-like contest

What is your opinion on your mate having opposite sex friendships?
A: I believe that both partners should have and actively pursue opposite sex friendships

B: I'm comfortable with a few well-established opposite sex friendships

C: I don’t mind as long as the person’s name doesn’t rhyme with Shady Pizemore

Which of the following indoor activities sounds like the most fun to you?
A: cooking

B: shopping

C: going to the bathroom

What best describes your attitude toward work?
A: it is where I am at my best and my main focus

B: I like my job but my focus is elsewhere
C: it’s just a way to earn money so I can focus on my real passion – starting my own line windbreaker turtlenecks called "Garks"

Your idea of adventure is:
A: whitewater rafting

B: karaoke singing

C: grounding into a double play

How would you assess your verbal intimacy skills?
A: I am extremely comfortable talking about my innermost needs and desires.

B: With the exception of a couple areas, I'm comfortable being verbally intimate.

C: I would assess them verbally, with words, at a fairly skillful level, using my mouth

Your idea of a romantic time would be:
A: a quiet candle-lit restaurant
B: cooking dinner together at home
C: making out while watching Con Air

Thursday, April 23, 2009

A Very Brief Chat with Mel

With the NFL draft coming up this weekend, I had the chance to track down Mel Kiper Jr. at the Cleveland Browns headquarters in Berea. He was visiting all 32 NFL teams in 40 hours prior to the draft to get a better analysis before he put out his final updated mock draft. Here is what went down.

First of all, I know you are a busy man and I appreciate you taking the time to ---

Mel: Yeah yeah what is your question because I probably have the right answer kid.

(A little hesitant and somewhat terrified)

Uhh, as you know the draft is right around the corner and--

Mel: Oh it is?! I must have been in my "Mel bubble" the past year and have totally forgotten that their is a draft amongst the 32 franchises in the National Football League! I have been an ESPN draft analyst since 1984 and for some reason you think that somewhere along the way I would erase the 2009 NFL draft from my memory? Is that what you think?

(Most definitely terrified now) No sir, I just wanted to ask you what you thought the Browns were going to do with their first round pick this year.

(Mel stares at me for about 7 seconds and then combs his right hand through his hair)

Mel: Sorry for snapping at you kid, I've been up analyzing players from the MAC conference for the past 89 hours to see if they have that "X factor" when they wear black mouthguards as opposed to clear ones. Besides my hair is not parting the way it should be today.

Sorry about that Mel, I kn--

Mel: Please call me Mr. Kiper Jr. ... Now what was the question you were asking me?

(My pants now soaked with urine) Mr. Kiper Jr., what do you think the Browns will do with the #5 overall pick?

Almost like he has done this before, Mr. Kiper Jr. goes into a robotic ESPN analyst mode and looks past my head as if into a tv camera and breaks down the pick.

Mr. Kiper Jr. : What you have to look at is a player's body of work and if it will translate to the NFL. Looking at the Browns roster and their needs, they can go a number of ways. For this pick I think the best value is Michael Crabtree. Regardless of Braylon Edwards leaving or not it is still a position of need and according to my immaculate mock draft, he is the best available talent at that spot. Could you make an arguement for Brian Orakpo here, sure, but their are durability issues their. I think Crabtree provides the best value at that number 5 slot.

(Feeling absolutely satisfied with the response, I look to quickly end this chat with the erratic Mr. Kiper Jr.)

I appreciate you taking the time to chat with me. I understand that you have to get back on the plane to visit the remaining teams and compare notes with your fellow colleague analyst Todd McShay, so I hope all your mock draft dreams come true.

Mr. Kiper Jr.: Did you just mention Todd McShay.

No, no I did not. I better go.

Mr. Kiper Jr.: If I hear that name again I swear I will drop kick a guy named Murphy. Where does this young punk get off trying to take over MY air time for an event that I basically brought into the mainstream by MYself. First of all, like I said earlier, I have been on ESPN since 1984 doing this network a favor and this McHotShot guy comes in and thinks he invented the wheel because he predicts Matthew Stafford will go #1 to the Lions. Do I wish I had his young, chiseled face? Maybe, but there is one thing that never dies and that is firm, vibrant, and energetic hair. I am outta here, good day to you.