Wednesday, August 27, 2008
But it doesn't stop there. The following players have been placed on an assortment of other "lists", most of which should have no affect on actual playing time:
Braylon Edwards: PUCS List -- Physically Unable to Not Look Cool in a Three-Piece Suit
Shaun Rogers: PUSOY List -- Physically Unable to Mix in a Salad or Yogurt Every Once in a While
Kolomona Kapanui: VUNPO List-- Verbally Unable to Have Name Correctly Pronounced by Ohioans
Romeo Crennel: FUPA Reserve List
Derek Anderson: EUCGS List -- Emotionally Unable to Care About Anything his Girlfriend Ever Has to Say
Phil Dawson: PUiP List -- Physically Unable to Use an iPhone
Donte Stallworth: CUGIGA List-- Culturally Unable to 'Get Into' the Latest Season of Grey's Anatomy
Brady Quinn: Fragile Face Reserve List
Dave Zastudil: UCFA List -- Unable to Convince his Father He's a Real Athlete
Steve Heiden: MUSP List -- Mentally Unable to Solve a Level Three Sudoku Puzzle in Less Than 20 Minutes
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Below is the official "3o/30 Club" form letter Grady Sizemore found in his locker after last night's game:
Dear Mr. Sizemore:
On behalf of Major League Baseball I would like to officially welcome you as the newest member of the 30/30 Club. Your balance of power and speed on the baseball field is most impressive and we are excited to induct you into our exclusive fraternity.
Over the next few weeks you will be receiving additional literature regarding club policies and procedures. During this early stage you will also be paid a visit in the late hours of the night by an anonymous masked 30/30 member. He will quietly enter your home, find you in your sleep, and brand your naked body with the "30/30" marking. And please, for the sake of your own safety, please do not put up any sort of struggle during this process. Until then I would like to take some time to briefly share with you what you can expect from the club and what we will expect from you as a member.
It's evident by your play on the field that you're a highly disciplined and focused person. As a member of the 30/30 Club we demand that same type of attitude and behavior at all times. You are now expected, Mr. Sizemore, to carry on and promote the ideals of 30/30 from this day forward, on and off the baseball diamond.
Firstly, you must be fully aware of the etiquette required when in the presence of a fellow 30/30 Club member. When entering a room, if another 30/30 member is spotted, you must greet him (before anyone else) with the customary "30 Hug Salute" (30 consecutive frontal hugs in a row). If you are to either explain or perform the "30 Hug Salute" to a non-member then let it be known -- there will be serious consequences and physical repercussions. Upon your first offense you will loose the fingernail of your index finger. A repeat violation will result in the repossession of your home and family.
Secondly, you are now required to attend monthly off season winter club meetings. These sessions will be held the third Thursday of every month at an undisclosed location (usually Jeff Bagwell's house). During these meetings you will have a chance to hear your fellow club members speak as well as raise any issues you feel pertinent. Upon arriving to the meeting location you will be stripped of all your clothing (in order to bare the mark of "30/30"). Once checked in you will be given a plate of 30 hard boiled eggs and 30 glasses of orange juice to eat and drink during the meeting. No member of the club will be permitted to leave the premises until each has finished all of their eggs and juice.
Finally, the 30/30 Club will begin to automatically deduct portions of your salary to pay for official club dues. These payments, around 9% of your annual income, will go primarily towards the future purchase of a small Pacific Island off the coast of the Philippines. The island, to be named "Thirty", will soon be exclusively inhabited by members of baseball's 30/30 Club. Once there, we will construct our own shelter, hunt for our own food, and set up our own laws and government. Only then will men of wonder like you and me begin to live the kind of lives we deserve. Note -- a smaller portion of your dues will go towards food and for Dante Bichette.
As stated above, more information will follow. We are excited and proud to welcome you to the 30/30 Club and look forward to your company.
Chief Operating Officer of The 30/30 Club
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Goodbye "Byrd Man," you will be missed (kind of). And no matter who this "player to be named later" turns out to be, I am sure of one thing, he will not have a cooler sounding animal name than you. Unless, of course, his name is like Tommy Panther or something.
Below is a farewell video to Paul Byrd:
--Ponytails (on men), in any form, are now banned from Cleveland Browns Stadium.
--If you are able to swallow your own vomit without considerable drippage, you will be awarded with a raffle ticket. At the end of the game your ticket will be entered into a drawing where you will have the opportunity to win an official Cleveland Browns refrigerator magnet.
--Fans are not permitted to remove their shirts at any point during the season until temperatures reach below 20 degrees.
--During the game, each fan is allotted a strict 3 minutes to publicly discuss any of the developments regarding their fantasy football team. Last call for bragging about your running backs and recent waiver transactions will be 8 minutes into the 4th quarter.
--If during your visit to Cleveland Browns Stadium you should encounter "Big Dawg" John Thompson, please refrain from looking him directly in the eyes. If you find yourself in a situation where you must speak to him, stare down to the tops of your feet, cross your arms behind your back, and begin every sentence with "Mr. Dawg sir."
Friday, August 8, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
The Scream Team (suggested by Tayshaun Prince): "After every free throw we hit all five men on the court scream their lungs out for a full 3 seconds. It will totally freak out some of those smaller countries like Angola."
The Sour Cream Team (suggested by LeBron James): "We'll all wear bright white suits during press conferences and at photo shoots. And for games we can bleach our hair and paint our finger nails white -- it will be hot."
The Seam Team (suggested by Dwayne Wade): "Listen, I just learned how to do a French seam by hand and can totally teach you guys the basics. We could customize the stitching on our jerseys in no time."
The Per Diem Team (suggested by Michael Redd): "We'll cut each fan in attendance a five dollar check and tell 'em to go out and 'buy something nice for themselves.'"
The Self Esteem Team (suggested by Jason Kidd): "If we tell ourselves we are worthy of gold at least 3 times a day then I don't see any reason why we can't achieve it."
The Laser Beam Team (suggested by Chris Bosh): "My cousin knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a place where you can get an operation done to have a laser beam dispenser implanted into your finger. It's supposedly pretty painless"
The Morphine Team (suggested by Deron Williams): "All I know is that taking hard fouls in the paint wouldn't hurt nearly as much."
The Fraudulent Credit Card Scheme Team (suggested by Kobe Byrant): "I've actually been looking into this for a while now and figure -- why not make it a team effort. Social Security numbers are floating around out there just asking to be stolen."
Friday, August 1, 2008
Colletti: Hello, this is Ned.
(towards the end of a 90 minute discussion)
Shapiro: So let me run this one by you one more time Bill. Paul Byrd, Franklin Gutierrez, and Rafael Perez for Huston Street and a player to be named later. Sound good?
Beane: It does. I think this is something we could defiantly hammer out Mark.
Shapiro: Fantastic. But one more thing, you of course know I've been talking about baseball cards the whole time, right?
Beane: Oh come on!
(Shapiro hangs up phone)
Shapiro: Brian -- listen, I have a deal for you that's unlike anything you've ever been offered. It's a one for one and I think you're going to love it.
Cashman: I'm listening.
Shapiro: Alright, I'm proposing you trade... me for you, you for me. A GM for GM trade blockbuster. I'll move to New York and take over your duties for the Yankees and you come to Cleveland to do the same. But it doesn't stop there -- we'll also swap wives, families and wear each other's clothes. What do you say?
Cashman: You've got serious problems Mark.