Sunday, May 3, 2009

First Day on the Job: Matt LaPorta

New Cleveland outfielder Matt LaPorta parks his Kia in the 'Insurance Company Field' parking lot and approaches the clubhouse entrance. As he walks through the doors he hears a voice mumbling behind him. LaPorta turns around to see a man in cut-off jean shorts and a 'Twisted Sister' tank top. He's also wearing thick black rimmed glasses, a blond wig and what is clearly a fake mustache.

Man in Hall (in an exaggerated low voice): Hi newbie, my name is Marcus. What do you want?

LaPorta immediately recognizes the man to be Travis Hafner.

LaPorta: Umm, hello. I'm Matt. Aren't you--

Hafner: Why don't you shut the hell up Matt! No one even wants you hear you idiot! Everyone hates you!

LaPorta gives confused blank stare. Hafner stares back and after about 6 seconds he bursts in laughter.

Hafner (taking off wig, glasses, and mustache): Oh man, I'm just messin' with ya! Welcome to Cleveland dude!

Hafner hugs LaPorta, who is relieved but still a bit confused.

Hafner: Come on man, let me show you around. I've volunteered to be your mentor for the next few days.

LaPorta: Oh, okay.

The two begin to walk a hallway towards the clubhouse. On their way, they stroll by Asdrubal Cabrera.

Hafner: Hey Ah-blob-bo, I want you to meet our newest teammate, Matt.

Cabrera (annoyed): How many times Travis -- it's As-dru-bal. Asdrubal. (to LaPorta) Hi Matt.

LaPorta: Hi, nice to meet ya Asdrubal --looking forward to playing with you.

Asdrubal smiles and keeps walking.

Hafner: Bye, An-ber-blur! (to Matt) That guy is kind of 'touchy feely' sometimes, so watch out.

The two enter the clubhouse. Inside, several Indians players are walking around and preparing for the game. Hafner whistles to get their attention.

Hafner: Hey everyone, I want to introduce you to Matt LaPorta -- he's the new guy. Walking in here, he just told me that his favorite singer of all time is Mariah Carey. Make what you want of that -- personally, I think he's weird. Okay, that's all.

Everyone goes back to what they were doing. LaPorta shoots a stare at Hafner.

LaPorta: Hey, I never told you my favorite singer is Mariah Carey.

Hafner (confused): You didn't? I could have sworn you did. Oh well. Hey, let me take you over to my area, I got some awesome stuff to show you.

Hafner leads LaPorta over to his locker. When they get there LaPorta notices that Hafner has decorated his locker with magazine pictures and baseball cards of himself. Hafner sees LaPorta staring at them.

Hafner: Oh, you like? He's my favorite baseball player. (Hafner reaches into his locker) Hey Matt, gotta ask you? You like steroids?

LaPorta: Uhhhh--

Hafner pulls out a giant 4-foot-long novelty hypodermic needle from his locker.

Hafner: (laughing) Come on, pull your pants down. (laughs) Man, this thing gets me every time. My mom gave it to me for Christmas last year.

Just then, without notice, Hafner picks up a baseball from the bottom of his locker and wings it across the room and into the back of Grady Sizemore. As Grady turns around to see who threw it, LaPorta notices Hafner looking straight into his locker and pointing a finger right at him. LaPorta is speechless. He stares at an angry Sizemore and tries to nod his head 'no', but before he can Grady walks away.

LaPorta: What the hell man, why'd you do that?

Hafner: Hey, I got something else to show you man. (Hafner pulls out a 2-gallon steel bucket) This is my 'punching pale.' It's filled with orange peels, cottage cheese, Jell-O and whale blubber. I punch the shit out of it for like 10 minutes before every game.

Hafner lets out a load scream and begins slamming his fists into the bucket.

Hafner: Give it a try.

LaPorta: Naw, I'm alright.

Hafner (slightly offended): What?! Come on man, give it a punch, you'll love it.

LaPorta throws down a meek punch and nods to Hafner.

Hafner: Awesome, isn't it? Wanna know something crazy, I made them hire a guy just to maintain and refill this thing. He even travels with us. His name is Ted, you'll meet him later.

Hafner unexpectedly begins walking away.

Hafner: Come on man, let me show you the showers!

Hafner leads LaPorta into the bathroom and shower area. Mark DeRosa and Victor Martinez are inside and once they notice Hafner they immediately look away.

Hafner: Watch this.

Fully dressed, Hafner walks into the showers and starts singing the lyrics to "I'm Only Happy When it Rains." He then slaps a bar of soap out of DeRosa's hand and tells him, "Hey buddy, you dropped you're soap."

Drenched, Hafner leads LaPorta back to the lockers.

Hafner: Hey, I almost forgot, I have a surprise for you.

Hafner then pulls down a piece of cloth from the locker next to his to reveal the name "LaPorta."

Hafner: You're right next to me man! How cool is that?

LaPorta (monotone): That's great.

Hafner: Oh man, oh man!

LaPorta: What is it?

Hafner: I got an itch on my arm. My arm is totally itching.

LaPorta stares at Hafner. Hafner then gets a very serious look on his face, one that LaPorta has not yet seen.

LaPorta: What's wrong?

Hafner: Scratch it. Scratch my itch right now rookie.

LaPorta: What? No way, scratch your own arm.

Hafner: Listen, this is no joke. You are new and you do as I say. One time a rookie didn't scratch my itch and within a week I had him pitching batting practice in France.

Hafner presses his nose up against LaPorta's face.

Hafner: (whispers) Scratch it. (screams) Scratch it!

LaPorta scratches Hafner's arm. Hafner turns away and leaves the room. LaPorta then walks over to his locker and begins unpacking.

16 comments:

Vince said...

Hillarious stuff. Loved it.

herb score said...

Not sure where you getting your info but in the Indians clubhouse Sizemore's locker is 3 down from Hafner's...so there is no way he could have thrown the baseball at grady's back, it would hit him in his side as he is about 10 feet down from him in the same aisle.

Sincerely,
Herb Score

Anonymous said...

LMAO! Welcome back.

warpath1966 said...

This was awsome...I was laughing good...

Sam said...

Did anyone ever find the link for me on that Marty C post before this, would love to read the TIME article on this post, its got some questionable points in the post. if you find it paste the link in the comments i will find it.

Anonymous said...

One post in the past month? why dont you just get rid of it all together, pathetic.

Anonymous said...

What a lazy blogger you are!

Get off you ass and write!!!

Anonymous said...

that was awful.

Cleve Balla said...

Yo we gon' get CP3 soon, tha werd on tha street is dat Paul will be traded. Tha Cavs coulda used a guy like dat He is a playmaka and would ball out Quicken Loans Arena. Cant wait fo' dis playa to help bring dat championship bling to Cleveland.

GM-Carson said...

Do you think the last name Toregas is funny? Well I do!

Link- http://morehardball.blogspot.com/2009/08/wyatt-toregas.html

We'd appreciate the link, and will return the favor.

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Anonymous said...

This site sucks now!! hey! You! Dave- give us a post quit being a bum like your boy Lebum James.

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