Don't have enough Cleveland sports garbage? Great, because it's time once again to jump into the Internet and do a little Ebay window shopping.
First up we have a 10 inch collectible plate featuring former Cavalier Mark Price. At $12.99 I'm not sure how anyone could consider this auction anything but a steal. In my "Commemorative Plate Power Rankings" I have Price at number 4, sandwiched in between Kyle Petty and John F. Kennedy.
And I'm aware an item like this is solely meant for decoration, but honestly -- if I owned a Mark Price plate I would eat every single meal off it. How much better would a pile of nachos taste knowing you had the angelic face of number 25 waiting for you at the bottom?
Up next we have a cut-out paper mask of former Browns quarterback Bernie Kosar. Perfect for the goofy football fan or aspiring serial killer in your family. Really though, I've been trying to come up with legitimate reasons why a person would buy such an item and could only think of three: 1. buyer is producing a low-budget student film with some sort of futuristic "Orwellian" theme, 2. buyer is going as Steve Guttenberg for Halloween or 3. buyer is Bernie Kosar.
Also, I'm pretty sure that if you stare into the eye holes of that picture for more than 30 seconds you'll end up burning down a school or something. I can't look for more than 10 without foaming at the mouth and banging my head against the floor.
I suppose this next item proves just how little fanfare the Cleveland Rockers actually had. For about $50 you can own the Rockers 1998 Eastern Conference Championship banner, autographed by half the team. The key word there is "the." This is not a replica or old promotional item -- this is THE banner that once hung in the rafters of Quicken Loans Arena. I wonder what the conversation was like when they decided to finally rip it down:
DAN GILBERT: Hey, I was talking a pass through the floor today and have a question. What are the Cleveland Rockers?
ASSISTANT: They were the city's WNBA team sir. They won the eastern conference in 1998 but were---
DAN GILBERT: I stopped listening after you said "W." Tear that banner down right away.
ASSISTANT: Do you want to replace it with anything sir?
DAN GILBERT: I don't know. Is it too early to retire Kevin Ollie's number?
And finally we have a Cleveland Indians silk tie. Ah, novelty ties. Perfect for saying, "hi, I don't dress up often. I'm more of a jean shorts and tank top kind of guy. And when I'm put in a position where formal attire is required, you can expect me to push the envelope. Tasmanian Devil cuff links, a "Big Johnson" undershirt and a pair of tinted eyeglasses usually round out my get up. If you see me standing alone on the other side of the room it's best to leave me be. That is unless you want me to talk your ear off about my idea for a 4th Matrix movie. Because I will baby, I will. Don't test me. I wear a neck tie with a baseball team on it."