Ryan Garko's eHarmony Questionnaire

Below you'll find the questions and answers to Cleveland Indians first baseman Ryan Garko's eHarmony.com questionnaire. Surprisingly, Garko choose the "write-in" option for every single question he answered:

Which of the following marriage issues do you fear most?
A: fear of growing apart
B: fear of marrying the wrong person
C: (write-in) fear the DJ forgets to play The Safety Dance at our reception

What are your body-type preferences for your mate?
A: Thin and very lean
B: Muscular and athletic
C: Two boobs and a butt

If you decided to stay at home for the evening would you tend to:
A: read
B: watch TV
C: play “Hot Potato” with a cactus

If you were taken by your date to a party where you knew no one, how would you respond?
A: stay close to my date, letting him/her introduce me
B: strike out on my own, introducing myself and making friends
C: hide in the bathroom and masturbate until everyone has left

Which of the following scenarios would make you more nervous?
A: making a presentation to 500 people
B: talking about your deepest fears with your lover
C: sharing an elevator ride with Mark Shapiro

What do you think of "Soul Mates?"
A: there is no such thing
B: each person has one soul mate, whether they find them or not
C: It’s my favorite C. Thomas Howell movie

Financially, how would you characterize yourself?
A: Very frugal and financially conservative
B: Good at saving money with occasional unplanned purchases
C: I could buy a roller coaster if I felt like it

How do you feel about food?
A: I consider myself a gourmand and love to dine on elaborate meals as often as possible
B: I just eat to live, trying to be healthy and consume little
C: With my hands

Outside of a romantic relationship, are you competitive?
A: I'm extremely competitive
B: Most of the time I'm pretty competitive
C: Not really – unless I'm competing in a Fred Flintstone look-a-like contest

What is your opinion on your mate having opposite sex friendships?
A: I believe that both partners should have and actively pursue opposite sex friendships
B: I'm comfortable with a few well-established opposite sex friendships
C: I don’t mind as long as the person’s name doesn’t rhyme with Shady Pizemore

Which of the following indoor activities sounds like the most fun to you?
A: cooking
B: shopping
C: going to the bathroom

What best describes your attitude toward work?
A: it is where I am at my best and my main focus
B: I like my job but my focus is elsewhere
C: it’s just a way to earn money so I can focus on my real passion – starting my own line windbreaker turtlenecks called "Garks"

Your idea of adventure is:
A: whitewater rafting
B: karaoke singing
C: grounding into a double play

How would you assess your verbal intimacy skills?
A: I am extremely comfortable talking about my innermost needs and desires.
B: With the exception of a couple areas, I'm comfortable being verbally intimate.
C: I would assess them verbally, with words, at a fairly skillful level, using my mouth

Your idea of a romantic time would be:
A: a quiet candle-lit restaurant
B: cooking dinner together at home
C: making out while watching Con Air

Grady Strikes a Pose

Cleveland sports fans have another athlete turned male model to cheer for. Grady Sizemore (I know, how does Phil Dawson keep getting overlooked?) graces the pages of Men's Vogue October issue.

The photos showcase a suave Grady hanging out with mysterious women, harassing little kids, and wearing $5,000 bomber jackets in various downtown locations. The interview portion of the photo shoot is particularly interesting because of Sizemore's uncanny ability to speak about himself while simultaneously saying nothing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ripping Grady for his ultra gray comments -- in fact, it's one of the things I like most about him. He's like a riddle no one can solve. Grady Sizemore could be a vampire serial killer, preying on the Cleveland elderly, and he's neighbors wouldn't suspect a thing.

Anyway, getting back to Sizemore's modeling work, the picture below is my favorite (from Sizemorefan.com):

What the heck? Is this suppose to be some kind of metaphor? Is that Sizemore as a child? Or does Grady show up to little league games every now and then and just stand in the batters box?

"Honey, who is that man that just walked out onto the field? Why won't he get out of Brian's way?"

"I don't know, but he sure dresses sharp."

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You...Dave Burba

International man of wonder, Dave Burba, was recently featured in a "Where are they now?" piece for Indians.com. The standout nugget of info that emerges from the story is definitely this:

"(Burba) recently finished filming his acting debut in an upcoming movie..."

What? Burba's going to be a movie star? Wow, I don't even know where to begin. First off -- genius casting for whatever role in whatever kind of movie this is. I mean, really, what took this long to put Burba in front of a camera anyway? I guarantee you in two years Hollywood producers will be kicking themselves for overlooking Burba in favor of Clooney, Pitt or McConaughey.

So I guess the real question here is just what kind of acting role could possibly be grand enough for Dave Burba? I honestly can't imagine him NOT portraying someone along the lines Genghis Khan, George Washington, or a 100-foot tall alien robot who can kill people just by thinking about it. Any part not on par with those would just be an insult.

The anticipation for this movie's release is already beginning to eat away at my consciousness. The only thing keeping me from total self-destruction is knowing that next year's Oscar for Best Actor is already secured.

Indians 2009 Schedule

At this point, the only thing a fan of the Cleveland Indians really has to look forward to is next year. Well, next year just got a little bit closer this week as Major League Baseball released the 2009 schedule. Below are some of the highlights:

--The Indians begin the season on April 6th with a 3 game series against the Rangers in Texas.

--The home opener at Insurance Company Field is April 10th with the Toronto Blue Jays.

--April 16th, the Tribe will play the very first game against the NY Yankees at their new stadium in the Bronx. This will be a great chance for the Indians to usher in a new losing era of Yankee baseball.

--The Atlanta Braves will pay a visit to Cleveland during the weekend of June 21st -- but not to play baseball, just to hang out.

--Because of a scheduling typo that Major League Baseball cannot fix, 2 of the Indians August "day" games will be played at 1:05AM rather than 1:05PM.

--May 25 will be "Fan Unappreciation Day." Vendors will only dispense 2 dollar bills and Canadian coins as change, the PA system will produce a constant hiss of feedback, and the jumbotron will display a giant middle finger all game long.

--During the weekend series of August 21-23, Indians players will wear retro home jerseys from the year 2006.

It Isn't Easy Being Gay(lord)

Earlier this week Cleveland pitcher Cliff Lee became MLB's first 20 game winner of the season. He also became the first Indian to accomplish the feat since 1974, when Gaylord Perry went 21-13. Perry (and his ego) now finds himself speaking with members of the media for the first time in a long time (the last being when The New York Times did a piece on the social implications of the "spitball"). And as he discusses Lee's outstanding year, it is becoming evident Perry himself is very aware of just how long it took Cleveland to produce another 20 game winner.

Which brings us to this quote from Perry:

"I've been answering questions about 20 wins for 34 years," Perry drawled in his Southern twang last week, "so I'm glad it's somebody else's turn."

When I first read this all I could think was, "really Gaylord? This has actually been a problem for you? For the past 34 years people have really been demanding you answer questions about winning 20 games for a baseball team?

Then I did a bit more research and discovered ole' Gay isn't fibbing. Here are just a few of the many instances where Perry has been forced to endure questions about being the last pitcher to win 20 games for Cleveland. Let's just hope Cliff Lee isn't haunted by the same torture in the coming years.

10/18/1978 -- San Diego, CA

On his way home from dinner Perry is pulled over for running a stop sign. The police officer approaches Perry and asks to see his driver's license.

Police Officer (looking at license): Okay Mr. Perry, do you know why I pulled you over?

Perry: I guess I may have missed the stop sign back there. I'm sorry officer, it won't happen again.

Police Officer: Alright, I'll let you go with a warning this time, just be careful.

The police officer begins to walk away. After a few steps, he quickly turns back to Perry's car window.

Police Officer: One last thing -- you think anyone in Cleveland has a shot at winning 20 games within the next 5 years?

Perry: Ugh.

4/28/99 -- Honolulu, HI

Perry and his girlfriend Samantha enjoy a romantic 2-week vacation in Hawaii. While having sexual intercourse in their hotel room, Samantha abruptly rolls off Perry without warning and begins to blankly stare at the ceiling.

Perry: Sam, what's wrong?

Samantha: Its Bartolo Colon.

Perry: Bartolo Colon, what about him?

Samantha: Do you think he could actually do it? (looks into Perry's eyes) Do you think he could win 20 games this season?

Perry: Come on baby, not again. I thought we said we wouldn't talk about this while in Hawaii.

3/19/02 -- Greenville, NC

Perry browses the computer printers at an area Best Buy. He approaches a 16-year-old employee working the floor.

Perry: Excuse me, can you help me decide between any of these printers?

Employee (turning around to look at Perry): Yeah, I--hold on. Aren't you Gaylord Perry?

Perry: Yeah.

Employee: Man, this is incredible. Listen Mr. Perry, I have been waiting my whole life to ask you one question. May I?

Perry: Okay.

Employee: Do you think it's the influx in bullpen usage or more a product of the steroid era as the main reason Cleveland hasn't had a 20 game winner?

Perry: Geez, I don't know kid. You're like 14 -- why are you even able to ask that question?

8/18/07 -- Williamston, NC

Perry sits at his breakfast nook to feast on a stack of syrup drenched waffles. As he cuts into his first bite Perry notices something peculiar in the food. He takes a closer examination and discovers there's a hole forming at the base of the waffles. The hole then takes the shape of a human mouth and begins to speak in a deep raspy voice.

Waffles: Why? Why Gaylord? Why hasn't anyone but you been able to win 20 games for the Tribe since the 1970's?

Perry (petrified): I-I-I don't-

Waffles (upset): Answer me! Why is this happening?

Perry then abruptly wakes up in his bed during the middle of the night. It had all been a terrible, all too real nightmare -- his third that week.

Zero Becomes One

He did it! The drought is over! Victor Martinez hit his first home run of the season! It's time to celebrate!

Take it away "lady who kind of looks like Rosie O'Donnell"...



No word yet on what the Indians plan to do with the ball. Rumor has it Eric Wedge wants to inscribe it with "9/2/08" and then chuck it at Martinez's face as a way of saying "thanks for nothing."

Grady Sizemore's 30/30 Club Acceptance Letter

Last night Cleveland center fielder Grady Sizemore became the 32nd MLB player to hit 30 home runs and steal 30 bases in a single season. The feat has not only solidified Sizemore's elite status as a player but its also earned him a spot in baseball's ever mysterious "30/30 Club." The club, which boasts a list of talented players such as Barry Bonds and Preston Wilson, has been an historic question mark in baseball culture ever since its formation in 1922.

Below is the official "3o/30 Club" form letter Grady Sizemore found in his locker after last night's game:

Dear Mr. Sizemore:

On behalf of Major League Baseball I would like to officially welcome you as the newest member of the 30/30 Club. Your balance of power and speed on the baseball field is most impressive and we are excited to induct you into our exclusive fraternity.

Over the next few weeks you will be receiving additional literature regarding club policies and procedures. During this early stage you will also be paid a visit in the late hours of the night by an anonymous masked 30/30 member. He will quietly enter your home, find you in your sleep, and brand your naked body with the "30/30" marking. And please, for the sake of your own safety, please do not put up any sort of struggle during this process. Until then I would like to take some time to briefly share with you what you can expect from the club and what we will expect from you as a member.

It's evident by your play on the field that you're a highly disciplined and focused person. As a member of the 30/30 Club we demand that same type of attitude and behavior at all times. You are now expected, Mr. Sizemore, to carry on and promote the ideals of 30/30 from this day forward, on and off the baseball diamond.

Firstly, you must be fully aware of the etiquette required when in the presence of a fellow 30/30 Club member. When entering a room, if another 30/30 member is spotted, you must greet him (before anyone else) with the customary "30 Hug Salute" (30 consecutive frontal hugs in a row). If you are to either explain or perform the "30 Hug Salute" to a non-member then let it be known -- there will be serious consequences and physical repercussions. Upon your first offense you will loose the fingernail of your index finger. A repeat violation will result in the repossession of your home and family.

Secondly, you are now required to attend monthly off season winter club meetings. These sessions will be held the third Thursday of every month at an undisclosed location (usually Jeff Bagwell's house). During these meetings you will have a chance to hear your fellow club members speak as well as raise any issues you feel pertinent. Upon arriving to the meeting location you will be stripped of all your clothing (in order to bare the mark of "30/30"). Once checked in you will be given a plate of 30 hard boiled eggs and 30 glasses of orange juice to eat and drink during the meeting. No member of the club will be permitted to leave the premises until each has finished all of their eggs and juice.

Finally, the 30/30 Club will begin to automatically deduct portions of your salary to pay for official club dues. These payments, around 9% of your annual income, will go primarily towards the future purchase of a small Pacific Island off the coast of the Philippines. The island, to be named "Thirty", will soon be exclusively inhabited by members of baseball's 30/30 Club. Once there, we will construct our own shelter, hunt for our own food, and set up our own laws and government. Only then will men of wonder like you and me begin to live the kind of lives we deserve. Note -- a smaller portion of your dues will go towards food and for Dante Bichette.

As stated above, more information will follow. We are excited and proud to welcome you to the 30/30 Club and look forward to your company.

--Forem the triginta meus frater--

Sincerely,

Barry Larkin
Chief Operating Officer of The 30/30 Club

A Rolling Byrd Gathers No Moss

Indians pitcher Paul Byrd was traded to the Boston Red Sox today for a player to be named later.

Goodbye "Byrd Man," you will be missed (kind of). And no matter who this "player to be named later" turns out to be, I am sure of one thing, he will not have a cooler sounding animal name than you. Unless, of course, his name is like Tommy Panther or something.

Below is a farewell video to Paul Byrd:

Mark Shapiro: Trade Deadline Prankster

For whatever reason the July 31st trading deadline tends to bring out the jokster in Cleveland Indians General Manager Mark Shapiro. Below are some of the prank phone calls he placed to other GM's over the past few days:

Call to Los Angeles Dodgers GM Ned Colletti:

Colletti: Hello, this is Ned.

Shapiro: Ned! You got 5 seconds! Grady Sizemore for Andrew Jones, straight up!

Colletti: Uh, is this Mark?

Shapiro: 3, 2, 1. (hangs up phone)

Call to Chicago White Sox GM Kenny Williams:

Williams: Hello.

Shapiro (talking in deep voice): Why hello Mr. Williams, this is the Atlanta Braves General Manager John Schuerholz. How are you today sir?

Williams: Huh?

Shapiro: I wanted to know if you were interested in trading Jermaine Dye to my organization in exchange for a 1998 Honda Accord and a one year paid subscription to Netflix?

Williams: Dammit, is this you again Shaprio? I thought I told you to leave me alone.

Shapiro: Ahahahahaha!

(Shapiro hangs up phone)

Call to Oakland Athletics GM Billy Beane:

(towards the end of a 90 minute discussion)

Shapiro: So let me run this one by you one more time Bill. Paul Byrd, Franklin Gutierrez, and Rafael Perez for Huston Street and a player to be named later. Sound good?

Beane: It does. I think this is something we could defiantly hammer out Mark.

Shapiro: Fantastic. But one more thing, you of course know I've been talking about baseball cards the whole time, right?

Beane: What?

Shapiro: Hahahahahaha!

Beane: Oh come on!

(Shapiro hangs up phone)

Call to New York Yankees GM Brian Cashman:

Shapiro: Brian -- listen, I have a deal for you that's unlike anything you've ever been offered. It's a one for one and I think you're going to love it.

Cashman: I'm listening.

Shapiro: Alright, I'm proposing you trade... me for you, you for me. A GM for GM trade blockbuster. I'll move to New York and take over your duties for the Yankees and you come to Cleveland to do the same. But it doesn't stop there -- we'll also swap wives, families and wear each other's clothes. What do you say?

Cashman: You've got serious problems Mark.

Goodbye Casey

Casey Blake has been traded to Los Angeles (fist pump). In return the Indians get a pair of prospects, including a guy named Carlos Santana. No word yet weather or not Rob Thomas is part of the deal.

Watch the video below and replace every "stranger" with "Casey." Also, it helps to imagine the lyrics are dripping with a thick layer of sarcasm.

Milestones of the Mind

Today is the 2 year anniversary of the 20,000th time I experienced a vivid snapshot visualisation of Edgar Renteria's line drive sailing over Charles Nagy's glove in Game 7 of the 1997 World Series.

Thanks for the memory burn Tribe!

I should make 30,000 by the end of the decade -- I'm currently at 24,782. Ah, make that 24,783.

How Did You Spend Your All-Star Break?

The last few days have been busy ones for Cleveland All-Stars Grady Sizemore and Cliff Lee. But while those two represented the Indians in New York, what did some of their teammates do with their time off?

Aaron Laffey: "After listening to nonstop coverage of Josh Hamilton's heroin addiction I decided to find out what all the fuss was about. Let's just say I had an 'interesting' two days."

Ryan Garko: "I house-sat for Grady. However, I got bored just sitting around so I replaced all his doors with "Fruit by the Foot" wrappers and installed a mechanical bull in his living room. I think he'll like it."

Kelly Shoppach: "I got super drunk, watched a bunch of late night TV and ordered about 8 dozen tubes of "Mighty Puddy" over the phone."

Casey Blake: "I actually went ahead with an operation I'd been waiting to get. I'm not going to go into details but let's just say I've bought my last cup."

Paul Byrd: "I worked on a new pitch for the second half of the season called "The Cloud Scraper." I throw the ball as high as I can into the air and hope it lands somewheare near home plate. It's nasty!"

Franklin Gutierrez: "All-Star game? So is that why no one was at the stadium when I showed up everyday this week?"

Jhonny Peralta: "Andy Marte and myself had a giant Jason Biggs movie marathon extravaganza. We watched all the classics -- Eight Below, Loser, Saving Silverman.

Eric Wedge: "I finally joined Facebook! And let me just say -- I'm so addicted to it too! I'm like finding people I literally haven't thought about since high school! And you have got to check out my SuperWall -- its SuperFab.

The New Voice of the Fans

There may not be a better anthem for the 2008 Cleveland Indians than the one posted below.

For your viewing pleasure, I present you..."I Miss My Players/Homies" by 87Hizzetfield of Youtube:



Some thoughts:

--I'm not defending Mark Shapiro here, but he's actually only traded away 1 Cleveland Indian so far this year, C.C. Sabathia. Unless 87Hizzetfield is singing about injured players, Jason Michaels, or just the "spirit" of the team as a whole, there's no need to pluralize.
--The line about C.C. being "in a better place" is a bit confusing. This guy must have had a really great time in Milwaukee recently. Or maybe he's just a dairy enthusiast.
--If you didn't laugh out loud at what I consider the climax of the song, "trade David Dellucci, he sucks," then you need to reevaluate your life.
--Is it just me or did the song get really rocking there at the end? Very "Barracuda."
--Bottom line: there's no denying the appeal of "I Miss My Players/Homies". This somber yet heartfelt song should be played at Insurance Company Field after every Indians loss for the remainder of the year. It's the perfect tune to slowly stroll out of the stands to after an agonizing defeat.

Happy Belated Birthday

As first reported by The Plain Dealer's Paul Hoynes, Slider, the Cleveland Indians mascot, celebrated his 18th birthday yesterday.

I want to take this time to wish Slider a truly happy birthday -- 18 is a special age and I hope you had a special day. You deserve it buddy!

Rumor has it Slider was spotted last night at several area convenient stores spending fist fulls of his "birthday money" on cigarettes, Playboys and scratch-off lotto tickets. I guess 18 couldn't have come any sooner for the furry guy.

No word yet on weather or not Slider will be leaving NE Ohio to attend college in the fall. As of right now its believed he will enroll at Tri-C to stay close to home and be near his long time girlfriend.

Eating the Indians

It's time once again for "If the Cleveland Indians Were Candy Bars Which Ones Would They Be." Let's get to it:

Grady Sizemore

Take 5: One of the only 5-tool candy bars on the market. Able to balance chocolate, peanuts, caramel, peanut butter, and pretzels in a pretty convincing fashion.

Cliff Lee

Whatchamacallit: This one drifts away from the mainstream and you may forget what it taste like, maybe even declare it "not that good." Then, after about two years you are treated to one and realize it just might be the best candy bar you've ever had.

Travis Hafner

Zagnut: If there were ever a candy bar that was a true designated hitter, its Zagnut. The thing doesn't even have chocolate in it.

Victor Martinez

Snickers: Year after year its always a solid choice, rarely lets you down. A staple. When things look rough, you can always depend on a Snickers.

Ryan Garko
Krackel: Eh, its alright. You would never buy in bulk. Really, just a second rate Nestle Crunch.

Jamey Carroll

Hershey's Chocolate Bar: The most boring, predictable, average candy bar available. A utility snack. Mark Shapiro loves to eat up Hershey Bars year after year.

David Dellucci

Hershey's Chocolate Bar with Almonds: A tad bit more exciting than its cousin. Beard = Almonds.

Casey Blake

Skor: I don't think much explanation is needed with this one. Casey Blake is obviously a Skor bar.

Paul Byrd

Bit-O-Honey: Vintage candy bar that tends to let you down. Can still be sweet on certain occasions though.

Rafael Betancourt

Mounds: You never really want a Mounds but will settle because there is simply nothing else available.

Joe Borowski

NutRageous: So many flavors and so much drama going on inside this one. Each bite is different from the next.

Andy Marte
Chunky: Because a Chunky always seems delicious on paper but in reality tastes like garbage.

Franklin Gutierrez

3 Musketeers: Its light and fluffy and doesn't do much damage.

C.C. Sabathia

PayDay: I know, very lame, I apologize. In fact, I already regret writing it.

Eric Wedge

Heath Bar: This candy tries desperately to appear stoic and dignified but really just lacks personality. Its impossible to smile while you eat a Heath Bar.

Omar Stories: Get Em' While They're Hot

Omar Vizquel's return to Cleveland tomorrow night is razzing up Tribe fans and sportswriters into quite a tizzy. In fact, I can't recall a more celebrated homecoming since the 1999 return of Al Morman.

This afternoon, Cleveland.com' s sports page had a link that read "Share your Omar Memories." Though I had no unique Omar stories of my own to offer, I'm an admitted huge fan of memories, so I clicked through. Though about 90% of the user comments were venomous criticisms hurled towards Mark Shapiro and company (for their refusal to resign Omar in 2004), I did manage to find a few actual "memories." Below, I have weeded out some of the more entertaining/weird/probably not true nuggets for your reading pleasure:

Memory Number 1 -- Posted by jftciii:
I remember seeing him play in Pittsburgh during an interleague game. Every member of the Pirates stood on the dugout steps to watch him take infield practice...

Alright, this can't be true. I believe that the Pirates players stood to watch Omar during practice, but there is no way it could have been only to watch him take ground balls. Omar was good, but its not like he was fielding one-hoppers with his crotch or anything. There must have been something else going on here. I bet Omar had some nasty skid marks showing through the back of his pants or something.

Memory Number 2 -- Posted by denfair:
I saw Omar play in KC when he was still an Indian. The Kansas City fans loved him as much as The Tribe fans. When The Indians went out on defense in the first inning Omar did a back flip ala Ozzie smith. Another time in KC they get the players to play limbo before the inning starts. They use a colored laser beam and the player has to limbo under it. Omar won hands down...

What!? Laser beam limbo? When was this KC game, 2068? This not only seems insane, but it sounds very dangerous as well. One slip and Omar totally could have laser beamed his face off. Also, why was Omar saving all his back flips for the KC fans? Clevelanders enjoy acrobats too.

Memory Number 3 -- Posted by chickenbacca
I will never forget taking my son to his first game ever and Omar getting his 2000 hit...

This guy's son probably has no interests in baseball whatsoever. He just gets dragged to games by his Father and has to hear things like, "son, check this out, this would be a perfect time for a hit-and-run." "Leave me alone Dad, I'm trying to read my Gamepro magazine."

Memory Number 4 -- Posted by naragon
The Indians had the pieces in 1992 and 1993, but the team did not start winning until John Hart added Omar in 1994. Hart was a baseball lifer who preferred watching players instead of statistics.

I know, this is not really a memory. But this is a good example of the tone most of the other comments have taken on. I like this one because its fun to picture Mark Shapiro sitting in front of a giant truck-sized "baseball calculator", making his lackeys push buttons and devilishly laughing, "more, give me more, I need more precious statistics!"

Memory Number 5 -- Posted by jaws008
My best memory of Omar was at ABC Liquor in Winter Haven when I lived there. Omar walked in with a few people and I went to him and said whats up and he was one of the coolest cats i've ever met. He offered to buy me some booze but I had already got some. Just the thought that the greatest shortstop ever would say such a thing made me realize what a good person he was...

This is an awesome story. And what's not even mentioned here is that this guy was 11-years-old at the time.

The Cleveland Indians: Making Jeff Baker Feel Good About Himself Since 2008

The Indians completed their 3 day Rocky Mountain surrender last night, dropping another winnable game, 6-3.

All I can really assess from the series is this: Jeff Baker is frickin' awesome. In fact, after these 3 games I'm convinced Baker is the most prolific home run hitter I have ever seen. He will most likely surpass every record Barry Bonds' holds, and he will do it in the next 5 years.

Well, at least he would if the Indians pitched to him every game.

I bet Jeff Baker is legitimately depressed to see the Cleveland staff leave town. They must have boosted his ego unlike anything else he's ever experienced. The guy would probably like to surround himself with the likes of Paul Byrd and Aaron Laffey all day, everyday.

I imagine him showing up to the Denver airport, right before Cleveland takes off, just to spend a few extra moments with Tribe pitchers and attempt to raise his self-esteem just a tad higher:

"Hey guys, its me Jeff, just wanted to catch ya'll before you leave town. I had a great time playing with you this week and was wondering if you guys wanted to maybe shoot some hoops or play a little ping-pong before you take off? I have a table in my truck. Just figured, we had such a good time with baseball -- no you don't, that's cool too. But before I leave, any of you guys interested in a quick pick-up game of Scatogories while you wait? I have the travel edition. Byrd, you in? No, too tired. Cool. Hmmm, well, wanna just have a "see how long you can hold your breath" tournament then? Jeff Baker vs. Cleveland's starting staff? Sowers, come on man, you down? No, just leave? That's cool too. Alright, see ya guys later, let me know the next time you're in town."

Hey, I'm Just Saying...

Saving C.C. Sabathia: Michelle Tanner Style

As the calendar shrinks away to July 31st, the dilemma that is C.C. Sabathia appears to be snowballing. With every start Sabathia makes, a growing number of outside scouts, reporters, and personnel will be filing into club seats to salivate over C.C. and his award winning left arm.

The idea of these outsiders invading Cleveland for the sole purpose of moving a home grown pitcher away reminded me of something very familiar. At first, I couldn't put my finger on it.

Then I flipped on Nick at Nite.

As insane and pointless as it may sound, this whole ordeal is an exact parallel to Full House episode number 168, entitled "A House Divided."

Below is a brief description of the episode:

The family face a tempting situation when a wealthy old man--who lived in the Tanners' home many years ago--offers them a tidy sum of money for the house. While everyone is thrilled about getting a bigger place, Michelle is upset over the idea--especially when Jesse, Becky, and Joey talk about branching out and buying their own houses. Determined to keep her family together, it will take all the sneaky tricks this 7-year-old possesses to reverse Danny's plans to sell.

Remember? This is the one where Michelle sabotages her own house to turn away a potential buyer. Now, you may be wondering where I am going with this (I, myself have no clue). To begin, read the following description, altered to fit the current state of the Cleveland Indians and Sabathia:

C.C. Sabathia faces a tempting situation when a wealthy old man, George Steinbrenner --who lived in Cleveland many years ago--offers him a tidy sum of money for his pitching services. While everyone in "camp C.C." is thrilled about getting a bigger paycheck, the Indians are upset over the idea--especially when Scott Parker and Brian Peters (C.C.'s agents) and Sabathia himself talk about branching out and signing future New York Nike endorsement deals. Determined to keep the Indians together, it will take all the sneaky tricks this 107-year-old team possesses to reverse C.C.'s plans of sell himself away.

Am I suggesting the Indians purposely disrupt the pitching, or pitching perception, of C.C. Sabathia? Hey, if we are out of it by late July, why not? It worked for Michelle Tanner (kind of -- because, in the end, they never did sell the house -- however, its debatable weather Michelle's plot was really the reason why). Anyway, at this point, a sit-com style plan may be the only way Cleveland retains their ace for years to come. So what can the Indians do to match Michelle's successful sabotage tactics?

I seem to remember in the episode Michelle planting rotten fish in the walls and unleashing bugs in plain site of the wealthy old man. While that worked for a home, it wouldn't work for a baseball player. The Indians would need to do things like take 7 or 8 mph off the radar gun, add liquid lard to C.C.'s food to further inflate his waist line, and maybe shine laser lights into his eyes before crucial pitches.

Whatever it takes. I really don't feel like adding another Cleveland defector to the heckle list for next season.

Indians in Desperate need of Brawl

The Indians lost again last night to Chicago, 7-2, extending their losing streak to 5 games. And although Paul Byrd gave up 5 runs, the story of the game, and the season, is still the abnormally putrid offense. Did you know that its been a week and a half since the Tribe has scored more than 5 runs in a game? Horrible. I don't gamble on sports, but I'm pretty sure that the Indians currently have the best odds in Vegas for getting a no-hitter thrown against them.

The scary thing is that I'm no longer sure if this lineup is in a prolonged slump or if this is really just as productive as they get. The team needs some kind of quick spark and with one game remaining in Chicago I think there is only one thing left for Eric Wedge to do: start a bench clearing brawl.

Its time, we need one. The Grady Sizemores and Casey Blakes of the team need to either a.) roll around on the ground and punch someone in the face or b.) roll around on the ground and get punched in the face. And they need to do it quick. Sometimes a baseball fight will bring a team together in a way nothing else can -- its common baseball knowledge.

And with former Indian and first class a-hole Jim Thome on the opposing team, there is no better person to instigate such a brawl with. During Thome's second at bat tonight Aaron Laffey needs fire a fastball up near his head. If Thome doesn't bite, then Laffey should just charge the batters box. This is a flawless plan, I can't see anything going wrong with it.

In the meantime, here are some classic baseball fights to look at: