Mike Brown vs. The Call

Last night the Cavaliers were victims of a questionable call that ultimately cost them their 40th win. Up by one with less than a second left, official Joey Crawford called a foul on LeBron James that resulted in the Pacers winning the game via free throws. Afterwards no one was more agitated with the officiating than Cleveland coach Mike Brown:

"I went back and I watched the last two plays and that last call on LeBron was the worst call I've ever been a part of. I cannot imagine another worse call than that by that official. It was an awful call and for him to take away a basketball game from a team with .4 seconds on the clock is irresponsible. That is an irresponsible call."

Brown continues on.

"It was predetermined from the call that was made on the other end of the floor and it was very unfortunate because there were a lot of men out on the floor that were working their (butts) off to try to win the ball game. We got that game taken away from us on a horse shit -- excuse my French -- horsecrap call with .2 seconds left on the clock by that official. Absolutely horrible."

Brown then leaves the room, only to return moments later.

"Listen, I don't want to leave any of this unsettled or open for interpretation. Witnessing that call on the court tonight made me sad for basketball and sad for America. Calls like that only come around once in a generation. If that call were a color it would be the darkest of pitch black. If it were a sound it would be that of babies crying. And if that call were a person, so help me -- it would be Jeffery Dahmer. What I saw tonight with .1 seconds left in the game was the Jeffery Dahmer of NBA officiating."

Brown leaves once again, gets in his car and hops onto the freeway. Before the first exit however, he turns around and heads back to the arena and every reporter he can find.

"When I was 6-years-old I spent the night at my friend Brian Bolley's house. Late into the night we were woken by his drunk mother screaming on the telephone. On the other line was child services. Mrs. Bolley was calling to tell them she no longer wanted her son and that they should come get him within 24 hours or else she'd leave him at a bus station. The next day Brian was taken away and placed in a foster home, abandoned by his own mother. I've always said that call was the worst call I'd ever witnessed. Well, I can now safely say I've seen a more despicable call." Brown begins to weep and takes a seat. "I'm sorry guys, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. What's going on? Where am I?"

Finally, Brown leaves the arena and goes to his hotel room. But at 2:30 AM he grabs his phone, dials up every Cavs reporter he has a contact for and puts them on a conference call. He speaks in a whisper.

"I'm sorry to wake you guys but I just don't want to be alone tonight. I think the call is beginning to get the better of me. I can't get the sound of that ref's whistle out of my head and thoughts of physically harming myself are now starting to accompany it. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. Okay, I gotta go. I think the NBA might have this phone bugged."

Brown hangs up the phone.

After Hours with LeBron James

How do you celebrate a 52 point triple-double in New York City? Here's a glimpse into how LeBron did:

11:02 PM: LeBron, Ben Wallace, Delonte West and Mo Williams exit Madison Square Garden and head towards the Hummer limo waiting for them. LeBron suddenly stops, "Hey, I forgot something, you guys go ahead."

11:03 PM: LeBron approaches MSG, checks no one is around and gently presses both of his hands onto the arena. "You're the reason I wake up in the morning. I love you," LeBron says aloud. "I love you too," he then replies back to himself in a high pitched squeak.

11:28 PM: LeBron and company arrive at Jay-Z's 40/40 Club. "You guys got your ID's on you, this place will totally card...just kidding," LeBron says before laughing hysterically. Everyone fake laughs at LeBron's comment as though they've done so 1,000 times before.

11:32 PM: LeBron flags down a waitress and orders a round of what he calls his "Triple Double Cocktail" -- 1 double shot of Gin, 1 double shot of Bourbon and 1 double shot of contact lens solution.

12:40 AM: Wally Szczerbiak and Zydrunas Ilgauskas show up to the club. LeBron, who is chatting with Jay-Z, calls the two over. After being introduced to Jay-Z, Szczerbiak asks him if he's the same rapper who sang "Whoop! There it is." An angry LeBron tells Szczerbiak to wait outside until he's called back in.

1:52 AM: An NYU student purposely catches LeBron's attention from the bar. After filling his hands with salt, he throws his arms up in the air, imitating LeBron's talcum power pregame routine. LeBron immediately orders Zydrunas Ilgauskas over to break the kid's thumbs.

2:38 AM: LeBron decides he wants a change of scenery and the group leave 40/40. As they climb into the Hummer, LeBron notices that Wally Szczerbiak -- shivering from the cold -- is still waiting outside the club entrance. "Hey Wally, you wanna come with us?" LeBron yells. "Yes," Wally replies. "Too bad, go home," LeBron says as he closes the car door.

2:50 AM: Back in the limo, LeBron tells the driver to shout out any letter in the alphabet. "Um, R," the driver says. LeBron then pulls out his phone and types in R and indiscriminately chooses a contact and hits "call." It's Ricky Davis. Davis picks up and LeBron puts the phone on speaker for everyone to listen. "Hello? Hello? Who is this, hello? Come on!" Everyone in the car bursts into laughter and LeBron hangs up.

3:03 AM: The group stops in for another round of "Triple Doubles" at an Irish Pub.

3:59 AM: Delonte West asks the limo driver to pull over so he can vomit. While idling, LeBron notices a homeless man hunched over on a bench. "Follow me guys," LeBron says as he gets out of the limo.

4:02 AM: "Hey, you want to make some money?" LeBron says to the homeless man. "Sing the theme song to 'Cheers' and I'll give you 2,000 dollars." But before the man can even open his mouth LeBron and company begin shouting the lyrics to the song themselves. Afterward, James hands the man around 3,000 dollars in cash and says "good job."

4:28 AM: LeBron and Zydrunas Ilgauskas, eyes half open, sit in an all night diner eating a couple of gyros. "Z, I think my next NY shoes are gonna have to be designed with a gyro theme. That'd look awesome."

5:12 AM: LeBron stumbles into his hotel room, collapses onto a bed and falls asleep to a TV playing highlights from his historic triple-double a few hour earlier.

8 Things You Probably Didn't Know About New Browns GM George Kokinis

1. He doesn't celebrate Columbus Day.

2. He hates his first name and if given the choice would rather be a "Derek."

3. Is an avid tank top enthusiast.

4. Has never actually touched a football.

5. Has a lower back tattoo that reads "You Wish."

6. In college he had an internship with the "Little Debbie" company.

7. Combs his hair an average of 42 times a day.

8. His favorite Destiny's Child song is "Bug a Boo."

Presidential Choices

Today's inauguration of President Barack Obama is the mark of new era in America. And with the theme of "change" in mind, some of Cleveland's most popular sports figures were recently given the chance to answer the following question: What would be your first course of action as the 44th President of the United States?

Travis Hafner: I'd officially change the national anthem from the "Star Spangled Banner" to "Mother" by Danzig.

Hank Fraley: I'd make it legal to shoot and or stab a person if you really really really don't like them and had a good reason why.

Brady Quinn: I'd issue a full Presidential pardon to my right hand. Then I'd walk around the mall and just slap weird looking people in the face.

Mo Williams: Government issued Snuggies. I got one for Christmas and it changed my life -- I think every American should have one.

Eric Mangini: I'd get rid of the NFL playoff system, because in the end, it proves nothing.

Wally Szczerbiak: Citizens with last names that begin with four consonant become eligible to receive social security at age 31.

Josh Cribbs: I'd create a new position in my cabinet -- Secretary of Awesome -- and offer it to either Keanu Reeves or that guy who hosts "Man vs. Wild."

LeBrowns

When I lie my head down to sleep and shut my eyes for the night, I'm usually welcomed by 5 images. These faint illustrations flash into my mind without warning and I count on them to help me rest. They are comforting. They are warming. And most of all, they are awesome.

My first 4 "shut eye images" are nothing out of the ordinary -- things most good natured Midwestern folks probably think of. In no particular order, they are:

1. Time lapse footage of a Rubik's Cube being put together.

2. A million of the brightest stars in the galaxy forming a constellation of Dennis Quaid's grinning face.

3. A burning Fender Stratocaster guitar being played by a reptile/human hybrid.

4. Myself cruising around out West in a Ferrari made out of strawberry Fruit Roll-ups.

Then today I saw the following pictures on the Internet and almost freaked my seat:

That's my number 5! When I close my eyes at night I see these exact images!

Now I know this is just some commercial shoot for a fancy shoe or beverage, but I can't help feeling like LeBron has Freddy Kruger powers and is invading my thoughts. Either way, I'm going to start thinking about Wally Szczerbiak in a Pistons uniform a lot more often.

Vote!

Democracy!

The Brighter Side of the Browns

The scary thing about yesterday's second half meltdown against the Ravens is that it felt a bit too normal. Doesn't losing that game just seem natural at this point? I mean, what'd you expect, a defensive stand? A comeback?

But I don't won't to dwell on the negative. Saying nasty stuff about the 2008 Cleveland Browns is too easy. So instead of ripping into D.A., Romeo, and the rest of the gang, let's take a look at some of the things that have actually gone Cleveland's way this season:

--The Browns' travel coordinators have been absolutely stellar. The team has successfully arrived, on time, to every single road game this season. 4 for 4 and counting -- you can't argue with those numbers!

--For the most part, every offensive player has been running towards the correct endzone on each play.

--The Browns have experienced exactly zero on-field decapitations this season.

--Brady Quinn has yet to physically or verbally assault a gay person in public.

--No one can criticize the 08' Browns for are their duds. Each week fans have come to expect stain free uniforms showcasing clean and vibrant colors. Whomever is in charge of the team's laundry department deserves a plaque for their hard work this season.

--Derek Anderson's hand off success rate is well over 90%.

--Cleveland Browns Stadium has had no major alien attacks/invasions during home games this year. In fact, there has been zero reports of any roving alien space crafts within 10 miles of the field at any point this season.

--As of this week Braylon Edwards' hands are still able to open car doors, operate ATM's, grip silverware, and press 4 out of the 5 buttons on "Guitar Hero."

Grady Strikes a Pose

Cleveland sports fans have another athlete turned male model to cheer for. Grady Sizemore (I know, how does Phil Dawson keep getting overlooked?) graces the pages of Men's Vogue October issue.

The photos showcase a suave Grady hanging out with mysterious women, harassing little kids, and wearing $5,000 bomber jackets in various downtown locations. The interview portion of the photo shoot is particularly interesting because of Sizemore's uncanny ability to speak about himself while simultaneously saying nothing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ripping Grady for his ultra gray comments -- in fact, it's one of the things I like most about him. He's like a riddle no one can solve. Grady Sizemore could be a vampire serial killer, preying on the Cleveland elderly, and he's neighbors wouldn't suspect a thing.

Anyway, getting back to Sizemore's modeling work, the picture below is my favorite (from Sizemorefan.com):

What the heck? Is this suppose to be some kind of metaphor? Is that Sizemore as a child? Or does Grady show up to little league games every now and then and just stand in the batters box?

"Honey, who is that man that just walked out onto the field? Why won't he get out of Brian's way?"

"I don't know, but he sure dresses sharp."

Kellen Winslow Watches the Browns Game

The following is an account of Kellen Winslow Jr.'s afternoon during the Browns 23-17 victory over Jacksonville. Winslow, inactive from the game because earlier in the week he hurt GM Phil Savage's feelings, watched the action from his Cleveland area home.

3:57 PM: Winslow plops himself onto a couch and flips on his 140-inch liquid crystal flat screen TV.

4:01 PM: As coverage of the game begins, Winslow grabs a pen and opens up a fresh notebook. During the next three hours he will log every single thing the announcers say regarding his current situation.

4:32 PM: After Derek Anderson completes a 3-yard TD pass to Donte Stallworth, Winslow mutters "whatever" under his breath and quickly turns off his TV.

4:33 PM: Winslow turns his TV back on.

4:59 PM: Winslow takes exception when he sees RB Jamal Lewis exchange an intricate high five with C Hank Franley. "Hey! That's my hand shake -- I made it up last year. You guys can't do that without me there. Jerks!"

5:02 PM: As Winslow scribbles down some of the comments made regarding his absence, he notices he's written the word "staph" at least a dozen times. Intrigued by the word, he begins to repeatedly say it over and over, eventually replacing classic song lyrics with it. He spends the next 7 minutes singing the tunes "Staph by Me" and "Staph in Black."

5:09 PM: Winslow becomes physically agitated when he spots his replacement, Steve Heiden, enter the game. He clenches his fists.

5:10 PM: Anderson completes a 51-yard completion to Heiden, energizing the Browns offense. Kellen sees red. As he wildly punches into the air he turns over his sofa, dropkicks a halogen lamp, and throws a bowl of Cheddar Cheese Combos at his pet ferret, Simon.

5:11 PM: After the tantrum Winslow calls his agent, Drew Rosenhaus. When Rosenhaus answer Kellen says nothing -- just breathes heavily into receiver. "Kellen, is that you again? You can't keep doing this," says Rosenhaus. Winslow hangs up.

5:14 PM: As he restores his living room "pre-Heiden," Winslow pleads with Simon for forgiveness. "Come on man, you know I'd never do anything to hurt you. One more chance, that's all I'm asking for."

5:18-6:20 PM: Winslow becomes distracted from the game when he realizes the Discovery Channel is running an all day "Man vs. Wild" marathon.

6:21 PM: Winslow returns to the game, which is now tied at 17. Kellen is calm. "Alright boys, let's pull this one out," he happily chirps at his TV.

6:22 PM: A replay is shown of Steven Heiden's reception from earlier along with the TE's stats for the day. Kellen bites his lip.

6:24 PM: Derek Anderson to Steve Heiden...complete pass. "And again, Heiden making the best of Kellen Winslow's suspension," the announcer declares. It's too much for and Winslow and he freaks once again. He takes off all of his clothes, karate chops his coffee table in half, throws a lava lamp into his TV set, and head butts Simon in the face. "I'm not a piece of meat!" he tells the ferret.

6:28 PM: To cool off, Winslow does 400 push-ups, screaming the entire time.

6:48 PM: Using a paring knife, Winslow carves the initials "S.H." into his chest.

7:02 PM: After a couple of 4th quarter Phil Dawson field goals the Browns win. Still nude, Winslow stares at his television and laughs uncontrollably. "Well played my friends, well played. Check. Mate!"

Braylon Edwards: The Time Altering, Game Erasing Wide Receiver

My favorite part about the Browns upset over the NY Giants on Monday Night has got to be Brayon Edwards comments before, during, and after the game. Edwards, who I can only assume is having a steamy sex affair with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, repeatedly insisted that a win against the Giants would "make us 2-0" and "give us a fresh start with a 14 game season."

Huh?

Now, I understand this sort of talk is usually just a mental ploy for players and coaches, but the tone in Edwards' voice seemed a bit too certain. What does he know that the rest of us don't? In his mind, what has happened to the first 3 games of the season? Have they fallen into some sort of football vortex?

Anyway, you can't argue with the advantage Braylon's scheduling theory gives the team. Here's what the new standings look like heading into next week:

AFC North

Cleveland Browns -- 2-0

Pittsburgh Steelers -- 4-1

Baltimore Ravens -- 2-3

Cincinnati Bengals -- 0-6

I just hope the Browns are able to pull out another win against Washington -- otherwise they could be facing a 0-0 record going into week 8.

How Do You Get Jacked?

As Monday night looms -- and a national spotlight grows brighter -- a few of your favorite Browns reveal some of the unusual ways they prepare for big games.

Jamal Lewis, RB: "The morning before kickoff I play a game of John Madden Football on Playstation. I pick the Browns and give Jamal Lewis anywhere from 90-95 carries. At the end of the game, when they show personal stats, I snap a Polaroid of my TV screen. Then I take that picture, tape it to my jock strap, and play all four quarters with it there."

Braylon Edwards, WR: "I hang myself upside down and listen to OMC's "How Bizarre" over and over until the battery in my iPod is drained."

Dave Zastudil, Punter: "I drive to the Metroparks and find a swampy area inhabited by mallord ducks. I throw a bunch of bread crumbs into the air and wait for them to take the bait. Then, when I have a few in mid-flight, about 5 or 6 feet above ground, I try to kick them out of the air. Not only is it great for my foot-eye coordination but it gives me a chance to be around and feed the wildlife in my community."

Shaun Rogers, NT: "I usually sit down with a good Steinbeck novel. Then I eat it."

Kamerion Wimbley, LB: "I make 5 life size paper mache statues and dress them in the jerseys of whichever team we are playing that week. Then I line up the paper men on a side street near my house and drive full speed into them with my Jeep."

Kellen Winslow, TE: "I like to fill my bathtub up with 80-90 pieces of French toast and 4-5 gallons of maple syrup. Then I just lie in the spongy goo for an hour or so and watch Braveheart."

Phil Dawson, K: "Heroin."

Ken Dorsey, QB: "I usually just go down into my basement and scream the "F-word" as loud as I can until I throw up. It's when I know I ready to play some football."