Monday, July 7, 2008

C.C. Sabathia Explains Why He's Moving to Milwaukee to the Old Lady in his Apartment Building Who Knows Nothing About Baseball

C.C. Sabathia: Hi Miss Royer, how are you?

Miss Royer: Oh Carsten, how are you sweetie?

Sabathia: I'm good, I just wanted to--

Miss Royer: I'm glad you dropped by, could you manage to open this can of ham for me?

(Sabathia pulls back lid of ham and hands it to Miss Royer).

Sabathia: Miss Royer, I just wanted to stop in to say goodbye to you. I'm going to be moving to Milwaukee tomorrow morning.

Miss Royer: What? Milwaukee? When are you coming back?

Sabathia: Well, I don't think coming back.

Miss Royer: Carsten, why would you do such a thing?

Sabathia: Well, the baseball team I play for here in Cleveland actually traded me to another team up in Wisconsin. So, I gotta go play for them now.

Miss Royer: A baseball team traded you? But what about your job here in Ohio? What will you do for money?

Sabathia: (laughing) Well, the baseball team in Milwaukee will pay me Miss Royer. Just like the one here in Cleveland did.

Miss Royer: Huh? But I thought you worked over at the Ford plant full time. Don't you just play ball with the other neighborhood boys for fun -- like on the weekends?

Sabathia: No, I play full time. It's kind of my job.

Miss Royer: (struggling with another can of unopened ham) Honey, can you open this one for me too?

Sabathia: Sure.

(Sabathia opens ham and hands it back).

Miss Royer: Now, what does the team in Milwaukee have that Cleveland doesn't?

Sabathia: Well, they've won a few more games this season. Plus, I'll get to hit the ball now.

Miss Royer: Carsten, the team here can't be good every year. Why don't you tough it out a while longer. You like it here, don't you?

Sabathia: I do. But Cleveland actually doesn't have enough money to pay me.

Miss Royer: (opening her check book) Oh come on now, if you're having money problems you should have let me known. I can help fill in the gaps and give you a few hot meals if it means you'll stay close by. What kind of salary are you looking for anyways?

Sabathia: 25 million dollars a year.

Miss Royer: (closes her check book) I think I just pooped my pants. How much did you say?

Sabathia: 25 million a year ma'am. Do you need to use the bathroom?

Miss Royer: No, I'm wearing a diaper, don't worry about it. Carsten, listen, I have to ask, are you hanging out with the Thompson boys down the street?

Sabathia: Huh? Who are the Thompson boys?

Miss Royer: They are druggies. They dope each other up and act all crazy. They bump organs with junkie tramps and say a bunch of crazy things like you right now.

Sabathia: No, no, I'm not doing drugs Miss Royer, I'm serious. You get paid a lot of money to play baseball.

Miss Royer: (struggling with a third can of ham) Can you?

Sabathia: Miss Royer, why are you opening so many cans of ham at once?

Miss Royer: I just figure -- while I have you here I might as well put your muscles to work. You're a good boy. And now -- your heading off to Minnesota to bounce balls for a billion dollars and I don't know what I'm going to do. You were the primary "canned ham opener" in my life.

Sabathia: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. Hey, how about if I have my friend Casey stop by once a week to check up on you? He's great at opening hams. How would you like that?

(Sabathia hands Miss Royer the last can of opened ham).

Miss Royer: I guess that would be nice.

Sabathia: Alright Miss Royer, I have to go pack. It was nice talking with you and I'll be sure to send a postcard from Milwaukee.

Miss Royer: Be safe Carsten.


Vinnie said...

I have a hard time believing that C.C. didn't down at least one of those canned hams. Predictable fat joke, suh-wish!

Chris Rupprecht said...

LOL amazing. Just what I needed today to cheer my spirits after YET ANOTHER disappointing season as a Cleveland sports fan. I added your blog to my pressure

Anonymous said...

Who knows where to download XRumer 5.0 Palladium?
Help, please. All recommend this program to effectively advertise on the Internet, this is the best program!