Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Grady Sizemore's 30/30 Club Acceptance Letter

Last night Cleveland center fielder Grady Sizemore became the 32nd MLB player to hit 30 home runs and steal 30 bases in a single season. The feat has not only solidified Sizemore's elite status as a player but its also earned him a spot in baseball's ever mysterious "30/30 Club." The club, which boasts a list of talented players such as Barry Bonds and Preston Wilson, has been an historic question mark in baseball culture ever since its formation in 1922.

Below is the official "3o/30 Club" form letter Grady Sizemore found in his locker after last night's game:

Dear Mr. Sizemore:

On behalf of Major League Baseball I would like to officially welcome you as the newest member of the 30/30 Club. Your balance of power and speed on the baseball field is most impressive and we are excited to induct you into our exclusive fraternity.

Over the next few weeks you will be receiving additional literature regarding club policies and procedures. During this early stage you will also be paid a visit in the late hours of the night by an anonymous masked 30/30 member. He will quietly enter your home, find you in your sleep, and brand your naked body with the "30/30" marking. And please, for the sake of your own safety, please do not put up any sort of struggle during this process. Until then I would like to take some time to briefly share with you what you can expect from the club and what we will expect from you as a member.

It's evident by your play on the field that you're a highly disciplined and focused person. As a member of the 30/30 Club we demand that same type of attitude and behavior at all times. You are now expected, Mr. Sizemore, to carry on and promote the ideals of 30/30 from this day forward, on and off the baseball diamond.

Firstly, you must be fully aware of the etiquette required when in the presence of a fellow 30/30 Club member. When entering a room, if another 30/30 member is spotted, you must greet him (before anyone else) with the customary "30 Hug Salute" (30 consecutive frontal hugs in a row). If you are to either explain or perform the "30 Hug Salute" to a non-member then let it be known -- there will be serious consequences and physical repercussions. Upon your first offense you will loose the fingernail of your index finger. A repeat violation will result in the repossession of your home and family.

Secondly, you are now required to attend monthly off season winter club meetings. These sessions will be held the third Thursday of every month at an undisclosed location (usually Jeff Bagwell's house). During these meetings you will have a chance to hear your fellow club members speak as well as raise any issues you feel pertinent. Upon arriving to the meeting location you will be stripped of all your clothing (in order to bare the mark of "30/30"). Once checked in you will be given a plate of 30 hard boiled eggs and 30 glasses of orange juice to eat and drink during the meeting. No member of the club will be permitted to leave the premises until each has finished all of their eggs and juice.

Finally, the 30/30 Club will begin to automatically deduct portions of your salary to pay for official club dues. These payments, around 9% of your annual income, will go primarily towards the future purchase of a small Pacific Island off the coast of the Philippines. The island, to be named "Thirty", will soon be exclusively inhabited by members of baseball's 30/30 Club. Once there, we will construct our own shelter, hunt for our own food, and set up our own laws and government. Only then will men of wonder like you and me begin to live the kind of lives we deserve. Note -- a smaller portion of your dues will go towards food and for Dante Bichette.

As stated above, more information will follow. We are excited and proud to welcome you to the 30/30 Club and look forward to your company.

--Forem the triginta meus frater--

Sincerely,

Barry Larkin
Chief Operating Officer of The 30/30 Club

3 comments:

FlawlessWalrus said...

Great post!

Sargent said...

Dante Bichette iced the cake

Anonymous said...

I would donate 13.48% of my salary (pre-tax) to the island excavation efforts of the 30/30 club to be branded with half of the clubs logo... assuming Mr. Bichette was the applier... and he regrew the mullet which blew gloriously in the winds of Colorado