Thursday, June 5, 2008

"Boys and Girls, Today We Have Two New Students"

Yesterday, after Tom Mastny's 1.1 inning gem, the Indians made a few late-night roster moves. "The Mastny Boy" and Jensen Lewis are headed back to Buffalo and criss-crossing them in the skies will be pitchers Brian Slocum and Rick Bauer.

Both Slocum and Bauer have limited major league experience and I must admit, I'm not familiar with either. Other than knowing their names, I have nothing -- no real baseball insight or predictions for our two new relief pitchers. (I suppose I could research their minor league stats, injury history, types of pitches they throw, ect -- but that sounds hard).

However, only knowing names and having no other prior knowledge of Slocum and Bauer (I've never even seen a photo) is not going to stop me from giving some kind of analysis. Which is why I've decided to do what I always do when I see or hear a new name: imagine what kind of person he/she would likely be (based solely off what their name sounds like) if I went to middle school with them. Let's get started:

Brian Slocum: Alright, he is totally one of those hyper-active red headed kids. He has braces and he never sits still. He can be found in the back of the class building primitive weapons out of school supplies (eraser swords, protractor sling shots). He is always talking, or more accurately, always lying about what his Dad can do in terms of physical feats. He brings Halloween candy for lunch. He does about 90% of the things he is dared to do, no matter the shame level or harm to his own body. He has an old issue of Playboy in his locker and will show you select pages for a 50 cent fee. Brian Slocum gives the middle finger about 30 times a day.

Rick Bauer: This kid doesn't say much. When he does talk you are surprised by how deep he voice is for a middle schooler. He's just trying to get by. He gets decent grades and is pretty good at gym class. He laughs at the antics of kids like Brian Slocum but would never put himself out on that kind of a limb. He loves video games and can be seen reading Gamepro during study hall. He has a close nit group of about 3 other kids, all of whom have the same interests and personalities. He wears a Purdue sweatshirt but admittedly doesn't really care about college football. Rick Bauer has a very thin and soft patch of hair above his upper lip.

Below is a "photo guess" at Brian Slocum and Rick Bauer:

Welcome to Cleveland guys!

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