Monday, June 2, 2008

A Day in the Life of Travis Hafner

The following is a detailed account of how Travis Hafner spent the day of May 25th, 2008. The game played that day, a 2-1 loss to the Texas Rangers, was Hafner's last game before being placed on the 15-DL for an injury to his right shoulder.

7:30 AM: Hafner awakes. He changes out of his nighttime jean shorts into his daytime jean shorts.

7:44 AM: Hafner's wife, Amy, prepares his usual game-day breakfast: steak patties infused with Cap'n Crunch cereal and a side of nacho cheese.

8:10 AM: Travis heads to his personal weight room to work out. 5 minutes into his routine Hafner is distracted by an episode of Judge Judy on his gym TV. In the episode, the defendant, an uninsured driver, is accused of running a stop sign and hitting the plaintiff's car at 4AM. The defendant claims he was out so late because he knew he was uninsured and wanted to avoid any legal trouble. While watching, Travis doesn't understand how the defendant could be so aware and careful to the point where he would limit his driving to late nights but at the same time could be stupid enough to run a stop sign. In the end, Travis decides he thinks the plaintiff should win the case.

8:40 AM: Hafner receives a phone call from his mother in North Dakota. He finds himself explaining to her once again what the nickname "Pronk" means. "Well, I just don't understand why the boys can't call you Travis. That is your name after all," she says before they hang up.

9:00 AM: Travis takes a 40 minute nap.

9:50 AM: Travis and Amy have a 25 minute discussion about weather or not they should buy a pet Duck-Billed Platypus. Travis claims he has wanted one his entire life and promises he will take care of it. The conversation ends with Amy saying, "I'll think about it."

10:02 AM: Travis gets in his truck and heads to Insurance Company Field for work. During his ride to the stadium he sees how long he is able to drive with no-hands before he swerves off the road. He makes it 90 seconds.

10:50 AM: Hafner enters the Indians clubhouse and heads to his locker. He notices that someone has changed his name plate from T HAFNER to T F'HER. He suspects it was Casey Blake.

11:55 AM: During batting practice Hafner tells Ben Francisco that he can break a bat just by swinging it through the air as hard as he can. Francisco bets him $100 he can't do it.

11:56 PM: Travis owes Francisco $100.

1:02 PM: During pregame introductions Hafner instinctively "raises the roof" when his name is called. Ryan Garko catches him doing it and begins to laugh while mockingly "raising the roof" himself. Hafner turns beet red and takes a seat on the bench.

1:37 PM: In a 1-2 count during his first at-bat, Hafner digs in for the fourth pitch. While Texas pitcher Doug Mathis rocks into his delivery, a thought pops into Hafner's head. "Maybe the defendant in that Judge Judy show was actually innocent. And really, stop signs shouldn't even apply to drivers after like 2AM -- or at least maybe just enforce a rolling stop." Hafner watches strike three zip down the middle.

2:20 PM: Travis intensely focuses on the jubmotron as "Which Hat is the Ball Under" plays for the crowd. Hafner wins. He brags to Jamey Carroll that he is now 12-4 on the season.

2:35 PM: Travis picks up a spare first baseman's glove he finds on the bench and puts it on. It feels way too weird and he quickly takes it off.

2:44 PM: While the Indians are in the field, Travis sits alone on the bench. He begins humming the Billy Idol version of "Mony, Mony" to himself. An incredible urge to actually hear the song then overtakes him. Realizing he isn't due to bat for quite a while Hafner heads out to the parking lot to his truck -- he is sure he has "Mony, Mony" in his CD collection.

2:52 PM: In full uniform, Travis sits in his truck -- windows rolled up -- and listens to "Mony, Mony" two times in a row.

3:04 PM: Manager Eric Wedge asks Hafner where he has been for the last 10 minutes. Travis tells him he was watching tape of his first two at bats in the media room.

4:17 PM: Game over, Indians lose. Hafner watches his defeated teammates and gages what his appropriate post-game behavior should look like.

5:25 PM: Hafner walks into the shower. He notices Casey Blake again showering in a bathing suit but is unable to build up the nerve to ask him why.

6:30 PM: Grady Sizemore, Cliff Lee, Victor Martinez, and Hafner head to a downtown bar for a few beers. All four get text messages from David Dellucci which they ignore. "No, don't get me wrong, its not that I don't like the guy. Its just, you know, all he ever talks about is his friends from high school, I just can't take that tonight man," Lee explains to the group.

9:59 PM: Travis arrives home to his wife Amy. She warms him up a Capn' Crunch steak from earlier that morning and tells him she has a suprise.

10:01 PM: Amy enters the living room where Travis is eating. She is holding a cage and inside is an Australian imported Duck-Billed Platypus. Travis is ecstatic. He says he wants to name his new pet "Brad."

10:30 PM: Travis and Amy lie in bed and watch a few reruns of Home Improvement as they doze off. Brad lies at their feet.

2:42 AM: Travis awakes to use the bathroom. On his way out the door he accidentally steps on Brad, slips backwards flailing into mid-air, and eventually lands square on his right shoulder.

2:52 AM: Travis takes several Advil and slides back into bed. "I'm sure it'll feel fine tomorrow," he thinks of his hurt shoulder before falling back asleep.

4 comments:

RockKing said...

Haha, awesome stuff. So, I assume that Hafner having night-time and day-time jean shorts means he's a never-nude, right?

(I really hope you get that reference)

Todd S. said...

Haha, nice. And in a weird way, Tobias kind of looks like a deflated Travis Hafner too.

Mark said...

LMAO!!! Nice stuff. Saw this on RootZoo. So it was that damn Duck. I think it probably saved him from embarassing himself even more than he already has this season. Maybe he will come back and rip it up. Keep the stories comin our way.

Glenn Craven said...

Saw this tonight for the first time, just browsing the Web about Hafner during the Royals-Indians game. I was amused enough to read it twice. :-)