Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Eating the Indians

It's time once again for "If the Cleveland Indians Were Candy Bars Which Ones Would They Be." Let's get to it:

Grady Sizemore
Take 5: One of the only 5-tool candy bars on the market. Able to balance chocolate, peanuts, caramel, peanut butter, and pretzels in a pretty convincing fashion.

Cliff Lee
Whatchamacallit: This one drifts away from the mainstream and you may forget what it taste like, maybe even declare it "not that good." Then, after about two years you are treated to one and realize it just might be the best candy bar you've ever had.

Travis Hafner
Zagnut: If there were ever a candy bar that was a true designated hitter, its Zagnut. The thing doesn't even have chocolate in it.

Victor Martinez
Snickers: Year after year its always a solid choice, rarely lets you down. A staple. When things look rough, you can always depend on a Snickers.

Ryan Garko
Krackel: Eh, its alright. You would never buy in bulk. Really, just a second rate Nestle Crunch.

Jamey Carroll
Hershey's Chocolate Bar: The most boring, predictable, average candy bar available. A utility snack. Mark Shapiro loves to eat up Hershey Bars year after year.

David Dellucci
Hershey's Chocolate Bar with Almonds: A tad bit more exciting than its cousin. Beard = Almonds.

Casey Blake
Skor: I don't think much explanation is needed with this one. Casey Blake is obviously a Skor bar.

Paul Byrd
Bit-O-Honey: Vintage candy bar that tends to let you down. Can still be sweet on certain occasions though.

Rafael Betancourt
Mounds: You never really want a Mounds but will settle because there is simply nothing else available.

Joe Borowski
NutRageous: So many flavors and so much drama going on inside this one. Each bite is different from the next.

Andy Marte
Chunky: Because a Chunky always seems delicious on paper but in reality tastes like garbage.

Franklin Gutierrez
3 Musketeers: Its light and fluffy and doesn't do much damage.

C.C. Sabathia
PayDay: I know, very lame, I apologize. In fact, I already regret writing it.

Eric Wedge
Heath Bar: This candy tries desperately to appear stoic and dignified but really just lacks personality. Its impossible to smile while you eat a Heath Bar.

2 comments:

RockKing said...

Haha, brilliant. It's probably no coincidence that Take 5 is my favorite candy bar, and Sizemore is my favorite player on this team.

Anonymous said...

Who's the Hershey's Kiss? :D