Saving C.C. Sabathia: Michelle Tanner Style

As the calendar shrinks away to July 31st, the dilemma that is C.C. Sabathia appears to be snowballing. With every start Sabathia makes, a growing number of outside scouts, reporters, and personnel will be filing into club seats to salivate over C.C. and his award winning left arm.

The idea of these outsiders invading Cleveland for the sole purpose of moving a home grown pitcher away reminded me of something very familiar. At first, I couldn't put my finger on it.

Then I flipped on Nick at Nite.

As insane and pointless as it may sound, this whole ordeal is an exact parallel to Full House episode number 168, entitled "A House Divided."

Below is a brief description of the episode:

The family face a tempting situation when a wealthy old man--who lived in the Tanners' home many years ago--offers them a tidy sum of money for the house. While everyone is thrilled about getting a bigger place, Michelle is upset over the idea--especially when Jesse, Becky, and Joey talk about branching out and buying their own houses. Determined to keep her family together, it will take all the sneaky tricks this 7-year-old possesses to reverse Danny's plans to sell.

Remember? This is the one where Michelle sabotages her own house to turn away a potential buyer. Now, you may be wondering where I am going with this (I, myself have no clue). To begin, read the following description, altered to fit the current state of the Cleveland Indians and Sabathia:

C.C. Sabathia faces a tempting situation when a wealthy old man, George Steinbrenner --who lived in Cleveland many years ago--offers him a tidy sum of money for his pitching services. While everyone in "camp C.C." is thrilled about getting a bigger paycheck, the Indians are upset over the idea--especially when Scott Parker and Brian Peters (C.C.'s agents) and Sabathia himself talk about branching out and signing future New York Nike endorsement deals. Determined to keep the Indians together, it will take all the sneaky tricks this 107-year-old team possesses to reverse C.C.'s plans of sell himself away.

Am I suggesting the Indians purposely disrupt the pitching, or pitching perception, of C.C. Sabathia? Hey, if we are out of it by late July, why not? It worked for Michelle Tanner (kind of -- because, in the end, they never did sell the house -- however, its debatable weather Michelle's plot was really the reason why). Anyway, at this point, a sit-com style plan may be the only way Cleveland retains their ace for years to come. So what can the Indians do to match Michelle's successful sabotage tactics?

I seem to remember in the episode Michelle planting rotten fish in the walls and unleashing bugs in plain site of the wealthy old man. While that worked for a home, it wouldn't work for a baseball player. The Indians would need to do things like take 7 or 8 mph off the radar gun, add liquid lard to C.C.'s food to further inflate his waist line, and maybe shine laser lights into his eyes before crucial pitches.

Whatever it takes. I really don't feel like adding another Cleveland defector to the heckle list for next season.