Wednesday, July 30, 2008

And "The Cool Dude of the Year Award" Goes To...


... the (Browns) asked the 29-year-old Davis to accept a base salary for this season of US$1.675 million - down from the $3 million he agreed to when he signed a five-year contract extension in 2005. On top of that, the Browns trimmed two years off his deal.

Davis' response?

"Money's the last thing on our mind,"..."I'm not worried," said the likable Davis, who is active in the Cleveland community and may be the most approachable player on the Browns' roster. "My wife (Monique) and I have hardly touched any of the signing bonus..."

Wow, are you serious? Davis says and does the kind of things all pro sports fans claim they would if given the chance to play games for a living.

Me personally -- I would have slapped Phil Savage in the face and burned down Berea. Then I'd hold a press conference accusing Romeo Crennel of hitting on me.

But not Andra Davis. He just wants to play football and hang out in Cleveland. And that's why he's the recipient of this year's "Cool Dude Award."

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Hey, I'm Just Saying...

Were Browns receiver Kevin Kasper and fitness guru Susan Powter birthed from the same peroxide guzzling space alien?

I think it's too close to call without some sort of official "Maury Test."

Sunday, July 27, 2008

When Ken Dorsey Drinks...Ken Dorsey Talks

Browns third-string quarterback Ken Dorsey entertains a couple of visiting high school buddies (Matt and Trevor) at the Applebee's bar in Middleburg Heights, Ohio. We pick up the action at about nine beers in...

Trevor: Dude, I don't get it. There's like two dozen hot girls here and not one has asked to buy you a drink yet. Back in the day you used to inhale body shots like it was your job.

Matt: Yeah man, how am I suppose to pick up your leftovers when there's not even a main course.

Dorsey: That's what I've been trying to tell you bro. (hiccup) I don't know what the deal is -- it's not like the old days 'round here.

Trevor: But dude, you're Ken Dorsey! Ken "holds every passing record at Miami, nominated for two Heisman's, won a National Championship" Dorsey. I figured you'd be on cereal boxes 'round here by now.

Matt: Yeah -- you shouldn't be drinking at an Applebee's in Cleveland (takes sip of beer) you should be buying and selling 'em via stock markets and shit!

A young blonde woman approaches the trio and singles in on Ken.

Trevor: Well, hello.

Woman: Do you play for the Browns? My girlfriends over there claim they saw you at training camp the other day and dared me come over here and ask you.

Matt (shocked by the question): Does he play for the Browns?

Woman: Yeah -- or work for them, like as a towel boy or something?

Dorsey (rubbing eyes): No, I'm a player.

Woman: Oh my gosh (looks back to girlfriends and shakes her head)! Are you serious? Do you know a lot of the players? Please tell me you do -- because listen, I have to ask you -- do you know what brand of underwear Brady Quinn wears? We're all dying to know.

Matt: What?!

Trevor: Who cares about Brady Quinn, this is Ken Dorsey honey! He's a legend.

Dorsey: Yeah, I know Brady. In fact, I actually play the same position as him. I've even kind of mentored him.

Woman gives Ken a blank stare.

Dorsey: Ummm okay, I think he wears Hanes boxer briefs.

Woman: Ahhhhhhhhhh! I knew it!

Laughing, the woman runs back to her table of friends.

Matt: What the hell.

Ken Dorsey stands up and paces back and forth down the length of the bar.

Trevor: You alright man?

Matt: Yeah, forget that chick. She doesn't know anything and besides, she totally had a duck face. Hey, let's do a shot, it's on me.

Matt orders three shots of J├Ągermeister.

Matt: To 9,565 passing yards. A Miami record that shall never be broken!

The trio drink down their shots.

Dorsey (still standing): You know, one chance. One frickin' chance, that's all. Give me the ball, in a meaningful game, for one series. Then look me in the face and try and tell me I'm third string.

Trevor: Dude, that's what I've been saying all along.

Matt: Yeah, with your o-line and receivers -- forget about it. Cleveland would be "Dorseyland" in a matter of minutes! Every kid in this state would be dressing up as "Number 11" for Halloween for the next 20 years.

Dorsey: They won't give it to me though. (turns voice into annoyed squeal) "Just keep running drills with the practice squad, Ken. Just keep working with Brady, Ken. Here Ken, hold this clipboard. " (turns voice back to normal) "You know what, you hold it Derek. And while your at it why don't ya hold my nuts" (spits into empty beer mug). Brady and D.A. -- a pretty boy and a dude that looks more like a hamster than a human being.

Trevor: Yeah! F 'em all (grabs crotch)!

Dorsey: Nah man, I don't mean that. (hiccup) Derek's my bro. So is Brady. I'd take a bullet for those guys. It's just -- no one in that entire organization knows what I'm capable of. You know that in my 2 years with the team I've never once thrown a pass to Braylon Edwards. Not even for fun. In fact, I don't know if I've even shaken the guy's hand.

Matt: I mean, how can they call you the backup's backup if they won't even let you play with the team's best wide out?

Trevor: For real. What the hell is wrong with this franchise? Did they just not watch college football during 2000 or 2001? Don't they understand they're flushing gold down the toilet?

Dorsey: Listen, I'm not saying I could just step under center -- game one -- and just (hiccup), actually that is exactly what I'm saying. I would tear it up right from the first snap. Game 1, look out Cleveland because the first ever 150 point game in NFL history was just brought to you by Kenneth Simon Dorsey.

Matt: KSD!

Trevor (high fives Ken): Man, it's a shame. You got a pro bowl -- no scratch that -- you got a future hall of fame arm just wasting away here in Iowa.

Dorsey: We're actually in Ohio, Trev.

Trevor: Eh, same shit.

Dorsey: You know -- it's getting to the point where I'm just going to have to say something to Romeo next week (hiccup).

Trevor: You totally should.

Dorsey: I'm going to. (points to Matt) "Look Crennel -- you either start me or I walk. It's that simple. You put me in a game or I put my fist in your throat, got it?"

Matt (puts hands up): Woah, that was good -- no guys, I really mean it, you totally convinced me just there. I'm not joking.

Dorsey: Because here's the thing (rubs eyes) -- if I pack my bags and head to Canada next week I'm the star of the CFL and America just looks the fool for letting me go. The shit is political in a way.

Trevor: And just unfair to CFL cornerbacks trying to make a living.

Matt grabs the arm of a young man walking past the bar.

Matt: Hey! Look at that face -- do you know who this guy is? Do you?

Young Man: Uhhh, are you our waiter? Because we still haven't gotten our chicken quesadillas and its been like 20 minutes.

Matt (let's go of man's arm): Dude, get the hell out of here.

Young Man (walking away): Can we get some extra guacamole with them too?

Trevor: Dude, let's jet.

Dorsey: Yeah, I agree.

Matt: Let's just go back to your place and watch your VHS of the 2000 National Championship game.

Dorsey: It's already in the VCR.

Dorsey throws down some cash on the bar while Matt and Trevor stand up. The three buddies then exit the restaurant.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Goodbye Casey

Casey Blake has been traded to Los Angeles (fist pump). In return the Indians get a pair of prospects, including a guy named Carlos Santana. No word yet weather or not Rob Thomas is part of the deal.

Watch the video below and replace every "stranger" with "Casey." Also, it helps to imagine the lyrics are dripping with a thick layer of sarcasm.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Ebay Search: Cleveland Sports

Put on your best Internet shopping duds because it's time once again to "Shop Cleveland" on Ebay.

Up first we have a "game used" Steve Kerr warm-up outfit from his rookie year with the Cavaliers. If you want to touch what Steve touched (with his entire body) you're going to have to shell out a whopping $695. Now, I understand the sports memorabilia industry base their prices off only what people are willing to pay -- but $695? Really? Would you even pay $695 dollars to have diner with Steve Kerr? What about $100? I would maybe, and I mean maybe, pay 695$ if I got to shake Steve Kerr's hand once a day, everyday, for 1 year. But he'd have to at least dish some dirt on Larry Nance during 25% of our 365 handshake meetings.

Also, I really enjoy the photo accompanying this item. It looks like the seller murdered Steve Kerr face down and his dead body just evaporated away.

Up next we have a pair of officially licensed Cleveland Browns sunglasses with detachable strap. According to the seller this item is "perfect for gameday or EVERYDAY!"

I honestly don't know what kind of human being would purchase this item with unironic intentions. Oh wait, maybe I do...

EXT. -- CUYAHOGA COUNTY FAIR -- NIGHT

MAN WITH BROWNS SUNGLASSES (WITH STRAP), JEAN SHORTS, AND "STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN" T-SHIRT APPROACHES A GROUP OF TEENAGE GIRLS NEAR THE ELEPHANT EAR STAND.

SUNGLASSED MAN: Hello ladies, how are you on this fine summer night?

GIRL 1: Are you talking to us?

SUNGLASSED MAN: Why of course I am -- what's your name sweetheart?

GIRL 2: Dude, you're like 40 -- leave us alone.

SUNGLASSED MAN: You mind if I snag a piece of that crispy elephant ear?

GIRL 3: Yes, we do. And why are you wearing sunglasses anyway? It's 10pm.

SUNGLASSED MAN (touching his sunglasses and fiddling with the strap): These babies don't come off until I lie my head to slumber. They are part of my body, my soul. Anyway, I wanted to know if one of you sweet peaches wanted to dance.

GIRL 1: Dance? There's no music you freak, we're at a fair.

GIRL 2: Listen psycho, I'm about to call my boyfriend over here -- maybe you can ask him to dance.

SUNGLASSED MAN: Alright, I'm outta here. But please take my card, if you ever need a fax machine fixed, I'm your guy. Adios.

And finally, we have a can of Pepsi from 2000 featuring a Cleveland Lumberjacks "buy one, get one free" promotion.

This one just baffles me. Who's collection isn't complete without this? What is the seller, a person who goes by the name"brewdude", even thinking here. Eight years ago did "brewdude" actually plan on saving this can of Pepsi with an IHL promotion in hopes that it would become any sort of collectible? Maybe he just thought that highly of the now defunct Cleveland Lumberjacks. "Man, they are about to go on like a 5 year championship run guys. The Jacks are a dynasty in the making, you'll see. This can of Pepsi will be worth millions!"

Monday, July 21, 2008

Milestones of the Mind

Today is the 2 year anniversary of the 20,000th time I experienced a vivid snapshot visualisation of Edgar Renteria's line drive sailing over Charles Nagy's glove in Game 7 of the 1997 World Series.

Thanks for the memory burn Tribe!

I should make 30,000 by the end of the decade -- I'm currently at 24,782. Ah, make that 24,783.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Brady Quinn vs. The Internet

Things just keep getting weirder for Brady Quinn. The Browns quarterback is demanding a gay dating website take down shirtless photos of him they've been using in ads to attract new customers:

"A rep for the Cleveland Browns tells us Brady had no knowledge of the ad saying, "He was not involved in posting photos.""

Oddly enough Quinn is not the only Cleveland football player being used as a puppet for a gay website. The following ad was discovered by TDBR featuring a poorly photoshopped picture of Browns kicker Phil Dawson:

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

How Did You Spend Your All-Star Break?

The last few days have been busy ones for Cleveland All-Stars Grady Sizemore and Cliff Lee. But while those two represented the Indians in New York, what did some of their teammates do with their time off?

Aaron Laffey: "After listening to nonstop coverage of Josh Hamilton's heroin addiction I decided to find out what all the fuss was about. Let's just say I had an 'interesting' two days."

Ryan Garko: "I house-sat for Grady. However, I got bored just sitting around so I replaced all his doors with "Fruit by the Foot" wrappers and installed a mechanical bull in his living room. I think he'll like it."

Kelly Shoppach: "I got super drunk, watched a bunch of late night TV and ordered about 8 dozen tubes of "Mighty Puddy" over the phone."

Casey Blake: "I actually went ahead with an operation I'd been waiting to get. I'm not going to go into details but let's just say I've bought my last cup."

Paul Byrd: "I worked on a new pitch for the second half of the season called "The Cloud Scraper." I throw the ball as high as I can into the air and hope it lands somewheare near home plate. It's nasty!"

Franklin Gutierrez: "All-Star game? So is that why no one was at the stadium when I showed up everyday this week?"

Jhonny Peralta: "Andy Marte and myself had a giant Jason Biggs movie marathon extravaganza. We watched all the classics -- Eight Below, Loser, Saving Silverman.

Eric Wedge: "I finally joined Facebook! And let me just say -- I'm so addicted to it too! I'm like finding people I literally haven't thought about since high school! And you have got to check out my SuperWall -- its SuperFab.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

The New Voice of the Fans

There may not be a better anthem for the 2008 Cleveland Indians than the one posted below.

For your viewing pleasure, I present you..."I Miss My Players/Homies" by 87Hizzetfield of Youtube:



Some thoughts:

--I'm not defending Mark Shapiro here, but he's actually only traded away 1 Cleveland Indian so far this year, C.C. Sabathia. Unless 87Hizzetfield is singing about injured players, Jason Michaels, or just the "spirit" of the team as a whole, there's no need to pluralize.
--The line about C.C. being "in a better place" is a bit confusing. This guy must have had a really great time in Milwaukee recently. Or maybe he's just a dairy enthusiast.
--If you didn't laugh out loud at what I consider the climax of the song, "trade David Dellucci, he sucks," then you need to reevaluate your life.
--Is it just me or did the song get really rocking there at the end? Very "Barracuda."
--Bottom line: there's no denying the appeal of "I Miss My Players/Homies". This somber yet heartfelt song should be played at Insurance Company Field after every Indians loss for the remainder of the year. It's the perfect tune to slowly stroll out of the stands to after an agonizing defeat.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Gladiator or Zoologist: A Game for Cleveland AFL Fans

Believe it or not, the Cleveland Gladiators are one win away from playing in the Arena Bowl. This past Monday the Gladiators defeated the Georgia Force 73-70, setting up a National Conference title match with Jon Bon Jovi's Philadelphia Soul on Saturday.

Since many Gladiator fans have yet to watch an actual Gladiator game, I thought it would be fun to play a little "getting to know your players" exercise.

The game is called "Gladiator or Zoologist." It's pretty simple, I will provide you with a name and two brief descriptions. All you have to do is guess weather or not the person named is a current player for the Cleveland Gladiators or an accredited student of animals.

Let's get started:

1.) Craig Heimburger

Is Mr. Craig Heimburger a 320 lb offensive lineman for the Cleveland Gladiators who in 2001 played in 11 games with the Buffalo Bills?

OR

Is Mr. Craig Heimburger a Cornell educated Zoologist who studies the modes and rates of reproduction exhibited by parasitic marine lifeforms?

Think it out...got your answer? Click HERE for the reveal.

2.) Bruce Cushing

Is Mr. Bruce Cushing a backup fullback for the Cleveland Gladiators who's scored 4 goal line TD's with zero fumbles this season?

OR

Is Mr. Bruce Cushing an Associate Research Scientist who published a 1998 article about "the hawk-like aggression in the Hawaiian red lobster?"

Think it out now... click HERE for the answer.

3.) David King

Is Mr. David King a 6'5 former Ohio University linebacker playing his first full season in the AFL after being cut by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers?

OR

Is Mr. David King a Zoologist at Southern Illinois University studying the complex behaviors and other evolutionary adaptations that emerge from the molecular organization of cells and genomes?

Ohh, that's a tricky one...click HERE to find out if David King is a "Gladiator or Zoologist."

4.) Otis Amey

Is Mr. Otis Amey a Gladiator wide receiver who racked up over 1,000 yards last year as a member of the Austin Wranglers?

OR

Is Mr. Otis Amey the head of the Zoology department at Iowa State University where he's known for his active role in the groundbreaking "Hummingbird Flight Initiative?"

Click HERE to learn the true identity of Otis Amey.

5.) Clyde Roper

Is Mr. Clyde Roper the Cleveland Gladiators stocky place-kicker who nailed 17 of 28 field goals last season?

OR

Is Mr. Clyde Roper a world-renowned expert on cephalopods employed by the Smithsonian's National Museum of Natural History?

Last one...how'd you do so far? Click HERE to see if you should or shouldn't be purchasing a Cylde Roper jersey for Saturday's game.

Alright, that's it for this round of "Gladiator or Zoologist." I hope you enjoyed playing and Go Gladiators!

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

The Original #10

Former Cleveland Browns quarterback and conversation lightning rod (if your conversation was in 2002) Kelly Holcomb has retired from football.

Holcomb will forever represent a strange era of Cleveland Browns football. An argument could be made that he was the one player who took the Browns from an "expansion team" and transformed them into "one of the NFL's premiere mediocre teams."

During his tenure in Cleveland, Holcomb managed to dethrone a number 1 draft pick, throw for 500 yards every other game (at least it seemed that way) and spark one of the most spirited football debates in Cleveland.

And for the record, I will proudly admit I was a "Holcomb guy." Being one meant something back then. It stood for "progress", "righteousness" and "democracy." His counterpart, Tim Couch, clearly represented "regression", "communism" and "beating up old people." Kelly Holcomb simply proved you didn't have to be a highly drafted fancy face to start for the Cleveland Browns.

I am also partial to Holcomb because I still own a bottle of his signature barbecue sauce, unopened. Though Kelly is done playing football -- I'm convinced that one day the collectible sauce will be worth millions. The Kelly Holcomb I know will make his name relevant again -- he'll probably save a bunch of animals from a burning zoo or something.

I wanted to end this post with a music tribute to Kelly Holcomb but I just couldn't find the appropriate tune. Apparently no one has ever recorded a song entitled, "Thanks Kelly Holcomb, You Kind of Made the Browns Good for About a Year and a Half and Had Two or Three Totally Awesome Games but Then Jeff Garcia Came to Town and You Left."

Oddly enough, Nickelback does have a B-Side track called "Thanks Kelly Holcomb, You Kind of Made the Browns Good for About a Year and a Half and Andre King Really Should Have Gotten Out of Bounds On that Last Play in the 2002 Playoff Game Against Pittsburgh." However, I gave it a listen and it totally sucked.

Monday, July 7, 2008

C.C. Sabathia Explains Why He's Moving to Milwaukee to the Old Lady in his Apartment Building Who Knows Nothing About Baseball

C.C. Sabathia: Hi Miss Royer, how are you?

Miss Royer: Oh Carsten, how are you sweetie?

Sabathia: I'm good, I just wanted to--

Miss Royer: I'm glad you dropped by, could you manage to open this can of ham for me?

(Sabathia pulls back lid of ham and hands it to Miss Royer).

Sabathia: Miss Royer, I just wanted to stop in to say goodbye to you. I'm going to be moving to Milwaukee tomorrow morning.

Miss Royer: What? Milwaukee? When are you coming back?

Sabathia: Well, I don't think coming back.

Miss Royer: Carsten, why would you do such a thing?

Sabathia: Well, the baseball team I play for here in Cleveland actually traded me to another team up in Wisconsin. So, I gotta go play for them now.

Miss Royer: A baseball team traded you? But what about your job here in Ohio? What will you do for money?

Sabathia: (laughing) Well, the baseball team in Milwaukee will pay me Miss Royer. Just like the one here in Cleveland did.

Miss Royer: Huh? But I thought you worked over at the Ford plant full time. Don't you just play ball with the other neighborhood boys for fun -- like on the weekends?

Sabathia: No, I play full time. It's kind of my job.

Miss Royer: (struggling with another can of unopened ham) Honey, can you open this one for me too?

Sabathia: Sure.

(Sabathia opens ham and hands it back).

Miss Royer: Now, what does the team in Milwaukee have that Cleveland doesn't?

Sabathia: Well, they've won a few more games this season. Plus, I'll get to hit the ball now.

Miss Royer: Carsten, the team here can't be good every year. Why don't you tough it out a while longer. You like it here, don't you?

Sabathia: I do. But Cleveland actually doesn't have enough money to pay me.

Miss Royer: (opening her check book) Oh come on now, if you're having money problems you should have let me known. I can help fill in the gaps and give you a few hot meals if it means you'll stay close by. What kind of salary are you looking for anyways?

Sabathia: 25 million dollars a year.

Miss Royer: (closes her check book) I think I just pooped my pants. How much did you say?

Sabathia: 25 million a year ma'am. Do you need to use the bathroom?

Miss Royer: No, I'm wearing a diaper, don't worry about it. Carsten, listen, I have to ask, are you hanging out with the Thompson boys down the street?

Sabathia: Huh? Who are the Thompson boys?

Miss Royer: They are druggies. They dope each other up and act all crazy. They bump organs with junkie tramps and say a bunch of crazy things like you right now.

Sabathia: No, no, I'm not doing drugs Miss Royer, I'm serious. You get paid a lot of money to play baseball.

Miss Royer: (struggling with a third can of ham) Can you?

Sabathia: Miss Royer, why are you opening so many cans of ham at once?

Miss Royer: I just figure -- while I have you here I might as well put your muscles to work. You're a good boy. And now -- your heading off to Minnesota to bounce balls for a billion dollars and I don't know what I'm going to do. You were the primary "canned ham opener" in my life.

Sabathia: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. Hey, how about if I have my friend Casey stop by once a week to check up on you? He's great at opening hams. How would you like that?

(Sabathia hands Miss Royer the last can of opened ham).

Miss Royer: I guess that would be nice.

Sabathia: Alright Miss Royer, I have to go pack. It was nice talking with you and I'll be sure to send a postcard from Milwaukee.

Miss Royer: Be safe Carsten.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Joe Borowski: Born to Blow Saves

Joe Borowski's blown save against Chicago on July 2nd was his last as a Cleveland Indian. During the 2008 season the man affectionately known as "Joe Blow" had managed to turn late inning collapses into something of an art form.

Well, turns out Joe Borowski is a full-fledged save blowing connoisseur with a lifetime full of experience. Below you'll find some Borowski's more entertaining blown "life" saves:

Blown Save #42: Elementary School Theater

During a 1st grade production of The Wizard of Oz, 6-year-old Joe Borowski enters the stage for the third and final act as "The Man Behind the Curtain/Oz." Just as Borowski is about to deliver his first line and conclude the show, he begins to sway back and forth on stage. Young Joe then proceeds to vomit all over the Tin Man, Dorothy and Toto. Several children begin to cry uncontrollably and the curtain falls before the play can finish. "Thanks a lot Joe," says one classmate. It's not the last time he will hear those sarcastic words.

Blown Save # 565: Christmas

As the morning winds down, Papa Borowski hands a special package to Mama Borowski. She looks at the gift and smiles. Teenage Joe, who knows what the gift is, walks into the room just before she begins to tear the wrapping paper off. "Oh mom, you're going to love this. Tickets to Jamaica mon." Bewildered, his father shoots Joe an angry look, "are you kidding me son?"

Blown Save # 1,068: Scrabble

Joe and his in-laws battle it out in a heated 2-hour game of Scrabble. With only a dozen tiles left in play Joe announces he's grabbing a drink from the kitchen. Upon standing up from his seat Joe bumps his knee on the edge of the table knocking the Scrabble board off its swivel stand and sliding every single tile out of it's place. "Well, I hope your happy Joe," says his mother-in-law.

Blown Save # 2,424: At the Movies

Joe, an avid M. Night Shyamalan fan, attends a screening of The Sixth Sense for the 4th time during it's opening week. With 30 minutes left in the film, Borowski involuntary utters aloud, "Man, I can't believe Bruce is dead too." A shocked theater turns to Joe. "What the hell dude!?," a man asks.

Blown Save # 3,872: Surprise Party

The Cleveland Indians players and employees set up a surprise birthday party for assistant GM Chris Antonetti at BW-3's in Strongsville. As the party goers wait for the guest of honor, Joe realizes he left the card he bought Antonetti in his car. He quickly runs out to the parking lot to retrieve it. As he opens his car door he spots Antonetti walking towards him. "Hey, Joe, what are you doing here?" A bumbling Borowski tries to talk his way out of the question but fails miserably. "Uh, hey Chris, what's up? I'm just here to, uh, apply for a job, I mean (smacks himself on the head). What are you doing here? Is it your birthday or something? I mean, we aren't having a party for you in there or anything. Oh man, I gotta go, I'll see you later." Joe jumps in his car and speeds away.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

An Inconvenient Game

As the "LeBron ditching Ohio" debate rages on, I thought I'd take some time to discuss another LBJ story that's getting far less attention of late. If you haven't yet heard, earlier this week LeBron James released a brand new video game. Don't get too excited though (like I did) -- there are no basketballs, guns, bad guys, race cars, or laser beams involved. Instead, you get a grinning LeBron, a "yard sale" bike, several bottles of water, and a bunch of information on how to save the environment.

The game, an online production from Nickelodeon, is called LeBron James: Worldwide Big Green Bike-a-thon! (it can be played here: http://www.biggreenhelp.com/). In it, users control a bicycle-riding LeBron as he maneuvers through the streets hand delivering eco-friendly "tips" to frozen onlookers. Be careful though, if you ride too long without snatching up a bottle of water, LeBron will dehydrate and your big green adventure is over.

I will admit that I personally spent about 8 minutes fully engrossed with LeBron's bicycle shenanigans. What I found was a 100% creepfusing (creeping and confusing) video game experience. First off, I was puzzled as to why the game decided to take on a "dawn of the Internet" style of graphics and game play. A four button video game, really? I understand its for kids and Nickelodeon wants to keep it simple -- but come on. I've seen chimps playing more complicated games in National Geographic documentaries.

Second, I thought it was interesting that the entire basis of the game was LeBron delivering environmentally sound "tips" (in the form of leaflets) to pedestrians. It's difficult for me to get pumped over the idea of chuckin' "information" to people on the sidewalk. I also found it strange that you're allowed to toss around as many pamphlets as you please. More than anything else, doesn't this just promote littering?

The third, and most disturbing thing I noticed about LeBron James: Worldwide Big Green Bike-a-thon! was King James himself. As you play, he just slowly rides along, staring at you the entire time with a psychotic demon smile. And when you aren't transfixed on his face, you get to gaze at the flamboyant skin tight black uniform he squeezed his body into. Coupled with the red bike helmet that looks more like James' exposed bloody brain and you have quite the horrifying character.

So would I recommend giving LeBron's video game a shot? Yeah, whatever. It's pretty much just Paperboy with "practical" tips on how to save the planet (my favorite: shower with empty buckets and use the collected water to feed to your plants). I just really hope half-hearted online ventures like this one aren't the reason LeBron wants leave Cleveland for the big city.

In closing, I wanted to share some other video game ideas I think Cleveland athletes could pursue:

Brady Quinn's Gay Bashing Extravaganza: Players control Quinn, who rides on a float through a gay pride parade, and rack up points for hurling homophobic slurs at onlookers.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas' Airport Security Adventure: Try to get Z and his steel infused feet through Cleveland Hopkins Airport's metal detectors. Hurry though, or Ilgauskas will miss his flight home to Lithuania.

The Jensen Lewis Flight Simulator: Sit behind the controls of an authentic airplane and pilot yourself back and forth from Cleveland to Buffalo.