Happy Belated Birthday

As first reported by The Plain Dealer's Paul Hoynes, Slider, the Cleveland Indians mascot, celebrated his 18th birthday yesterday.

I want to take this time to wish Slider a truly happy birthday -- 18 is a special age and I hope you had a special day. You deserve it buddy!

Rumor has it Slider was spotted last night at several area convenient stores spending fist fulls of his "birthday money" on cigarettes, Playboys and scratch-off lotto tickets. I guess 18 couldn't have come any sooner for the furry guy.

No word yet on weather or not Slider will be leaving NE Ohio to attend college in the fall. As of right now its believed he will enroll at Tri-C to stay close to home and be near his long time girlfriend.

Burbaland, OH

Man in Red Hat: So you're tellin' me you could still pitch in the big leagues?

Dave Burba: Oh yeah. I get 30 calls from all 30 MLB teams everyday, begging me to pitch for them. I just don't think it would be fair to all the younger guys out there playing though. Why should I suit up, night after night, just to embarrass people? Its not the way I was brought up. I know how to harness my "warrior" and use it for other things now.

Man in Red Hat: Wow...will you sign my face?

Dave Burba: Sure, what's your name?

Thanks to Jen, who saw Dave at the SABR convention this weekend, for the photo. And this one too.

Also "Burbs Up" to Clay for this picture of Dave signing an autograph at Insurance Company Field on Friday night.

Alright, I'm headed to the store to buy a blue short-sleeve button-up shirt and a pair of khaki pants. It shall now be my everyday "uniform."

Doogie for Dave

On the night of Friday, June 27th, while the Cleveland Indians battled the Cincinnati Reds, something happened high above the diamond at Insurance Company Field. It was a miracle, phenomenon, and seismic occurrence all wrapped into one. On Friday, June 27th, while the Cleveland Indians battled the Cincinnati Reds, a baseball warrior like no other stepped into the Sports Time Ohio broadcast booth to share some of his infinite wisdom. If you have not heard the news yet, its true:

Dave Burba has made his first public appearance since 2006.

If you were watching STO when Burba paid the visit, consider yourself one of the fortunate ones. I, myself, am unfortunately not in this special fraternity of viewers. At the moment, I cannot even formulate words to describe how tortured I am by that fact.

I refuse to give up though. I can't give up. If an idol of Burba's made a rare TV appearance and he missed it, would he just say "oh well, too bad?" No way -- he would fight. He would fight like the warrior he is (actually, I can't even imagine that Dave Burba has any heroes -- who could that man possibly look to for guidance or inspiration besides himself?).

The bottom line is that I need to see this video folks. I plan on not only posting it to this site but also transcribing Burba's words to use as my own personal manifesto.

So here is what I'm proposing: if anyone out there can upload the Burba segment onto the web and send it to me (thedaveburbarevolution@gmail.com), I will in return mail them a very special prize. What's the prize? Well, I searched long and hard to find a suitable gift and have decided to go ahead and sacrifice my very own DVD copy of Doogie Howser, M.D: Season Four. Below is a picture for proof:

From personal experience I can honestly say, season four was pretty solid. Among other things, Doogie buys a gun, performs his first solo surgery and finally moves out of his parent's house for a loft in Venice Beach. All in all, its a good watch.

So there you have it, Doogie for Dave. If you can send me the video I will send you 4 discs of kid doctor bliss (because I only have one copy, only the first sender will receive the prize).

Finally, while I wait to view the Burba video, please feel free to post any information about the appearance in the comments section of this post. Quotes, Burba's demeanor, emotions you personally felt while watching, whatever you want. I need your help guys. Thanks. Viva la Burba!

Eating the Indians

It's time once again for "If the Cleveland Indians Were Candy Bars Which Ones Would They Be." Let's get to it:

Grady Sizemore

Take 5: One of the only 5-tool candy bars on the market. Able to balance chocolate, peanuts, caramel, peanut butter, and pretzels in a pretty convincing fashion.

Cliff Lee

Whatchamacallit: This one drifts away from the mainstream and you may forget what it taste like, maybe even declare it "not that good." Then, after about two years you are treated to one and realize it just might be the best candy bar you've ever had.

Travis Hafner

Zagnut: If there were ever a candy bar that was a true designated hitter, its Zagnut. The thing doesn't even have chocolate in it.

Victor Martinez

Snickers: Year after year its always a solid choice, rarely lets you down. A staple. When things look rough, you can always depend on a Snickers.

Ryan Garko
Krackel: Eh, its alright. You would never buy in bulk. Really, just a second rate Nestle Crunch.

Jamey Carroll

Hershey's Chocolate Bar: The most boring, predictable, average candy bar available. A utility snack. Mark Shapiro loves to eat up Hershey Bars year after year.

David Dellucci

Hershey's Chocolate Bar with Almonds: A tad bit more exciting than its cousin. Beard = Almonds.

Casey Blake

Skor: I don't think much explanation is needed with this one. Casey Blake is obviously a Skor bar.

Paul Byrd

Bit-O-Honey: Vintage candy bar that tends to let you down. Can still be sweet on certain occasions though.

Rafael Betancourt

Mounds: You never really want a Mounds but will settle because there is simply nothing else available.

Joe Borowski

NutRageous: So many flavors and so much drama going on inside this one. Each bite is different from the next.

Andy Marte
Chunky: Because a Chunky always seems delicious on paper but in reality tastes like garbage.

Franklin Gutierrez

3 Musketeers: Its light and fluffy and doesn't do much damage.

C.C. Sabathia

PayDay: I know, very lame, I apologize. In fact, I already regret writing it.

Eric Wedge

Heath Bar: This candy tries desperately to appear stoic and dignified but really just lacks personality. Its impossible to smile while you eat a Heath Bar.

Omar Stories: Get Em' While They're Hot

Omar Vizquel's return to Cleveland tomorrow night is razzing up Tribe fans and sportswriters into quite a tizzy. In fact, I can't recall a more celebrated homecoming since the 1999 return of Al Morman.

This afternoon, Cleveland.com' s sports page had a link that read "Share your Omar Memories." Though I had no unique Omar stories of my own to offer, I'm an admitted huge fan of memories, so I clicked through. Though about 90% of the user comments were venomous criticisms hurled towards Mark Shapiro and company (for their refusal to resign Omar in 2004), I did manage to find a few actual "memories." Below, I have weeded out some of the more entertaining/weird/probably not true nuggets for your reading pleasure:

Memory Number 1 -- Posted by jftciii:
I remember seeing him play in Pittsburgh during an interleague game. Every member of the Pirates stood on the dugout steps to watch him take infield practice...

Alright, this can't be true. I believe that the Pirates players stood to watch Omar during practice, but there is no way it could have been only to watch him take ground balls. Omar was good, but its not like he was fielding one-hoppers with his crotch or anything. There must have been something else going on here. I bet Omar had some nasty skid marks showing through the back of his pants or something.

Memory Number 2 -- Posted by denfair:
I saw Omar play in KC when he was still an Indian. The Kansas City fans loved him as much as The Tribe fans. When The Indians went out on defense in the first inning Omar did a back flip ala Ozzie smith. Another time in KC they get the players to play limbo before the inning starts. They use a colored laser beam and the player has to limbo under it. Omar won hands down...

What!? Laser beam limbo? When was this KC game, 2068? This not only seems insane, but it sounds very dangerous as well. One slip and Omar totally could have laser beamed his face off. Also, why was Omar saving all his back flips for the KC fans? Clevelanders enjoy acrobats too.

Memory Number 3 -- Posted by chickenbacca
I will never forget taking my son to his first game ever and Omar getting his 2000 hit...

This guy's son probably has no interests in baseball whatsoever. He just gets dragged to games by his Father and has to hear things like, "son, check this out, this would be a perfect time for a hit-and-run." "Leave me alone Dad, I'm trying to read my Gamepro magazine."

Memory Number 4 -- Posted by naragon
The Indians had the pieces in 1992 and 1993, but the team did not start winning until John Hart added Omar in 1994. Hart was a baseball lifer who preferred watching players instead of statistics.

I know, this is not really a memory. But this is a good example of the tone most of the other comments have taken on. I like this one because its fun to picture Mark Shapiro sitting in front of a giant truck-sized "baseball calculator", making his lackeys push buttons and devilishly laughing, "more, give me more, I need more precious statistics!"

Memory Number 5 -- Posted by jaws008
My best memory of Omar was at ABC Liquor in Winter Haven when I lived there. Omar walked in with a few people and I went to him and said whats up and he was one of the coolest cats i've ever met. He offered to buy me some booze but I had already got some. Just the thought that the greatest shortstop ever would say such a thing made me realize what a good person he was...

This is an awesome story. And what's not even mentioned here is that this guy was 11-years-old at the time.

The Cleveland Indians: Making Jeff Baker Feel Good About Himself Since 2008

The Indians completed their 3 day Rocky Mountain surrender last night, dropping another winnable game, 6-3.

All I can really assess from the series is this: Jeff Baker is frickin' awesome. In fact, after these 3 games I'm convinced Baker is the most prolific home run hitter I have ever seen. He will most likely surpass every record Barry Bonds' holds, and he will do it in the next 5 years.

Well, at least he would if the Indians pitched to him every game.

I bet Jeff Baker is legitimately depressed to see the Cleveland staff leave town. They must have boosted his ego unlike anything else he's ever experienced. The guy would probably like to surround himself with the likes of Paul Byrd and Aaron Laffey all day, everyday.

I imagine him showing up to the Denver airport, right before Cleveland takes off, just to spend a few extra moments with Tribe pitchers and attempt to raise his self-esteem just a tad higher:

"Hey guys, its me Jeff, just wanted to catch ya'll before you leave town. I had a great time playing with you this week and was wondering if you guys wanted to maybe shoot some hoops or play a little ping-pong before you take off? I have a table in my truck. Just figured, we had such a good time with baseball -- no you don't, that's cool too. But before I leave, any of you guys interested in a quick pick-up game of Scatogories while you wait? I have the travel edition. Byrd, you in? No, too tired. Cool. Hmmm, well, wanna just have a "see how long you can hold your breath" tournament then? Jeff Baker vs. Cleveland's starting staff? Sowers, come on man, you down? No, just leave? That's cool too. Alright, see ya guys later, let me know the next time you're in town."

Hey, I'm Just Saying...

Saving C.C. Sabathia: Michelle Tanner Style

As the calendar shrinks away to July 31st, the dilemma that is C.C. Sabathia appears to be snowballing. With every start Sabathia makes, a growing number of outside scouts, reporters, and personnel will be filing into club seats to salivate over C.C. and his award winning left arm.

The idea of these outsiders invading Cleveland for the sole purpose of moving a home grown pitcher away reminded me of something very familiar. At first, I couldn't put my finger on it.

Then I flipped on Nick at Nite.

As insane and pointless as it may sound, this whole ordeal is an exact parallel to Full House episode number 168, entitled "A House Divided."

Below is a brief description of the episode:

The family face a tempting situation when a wealthy old man--who lived in the Tanners' home many years ago--offers them a tidy sum of money for the house. While everyone is thrilled about getting a bigger place, Michelle is upset over the idea--especially when Jesse, Becky, and Joey talk about branching out and buying their own houses. Determined to keep her family together, it will take all the sneaky tricks this 7-year-old possesses to reverse Danny's plans to sell.

Remember? This is the one where Michelle sabotages her own house to turn away a potential buyer. Now, you may be wondering where I am going with this (I, myself have no clue). To begin, read the following description, altered to fit the current state of the Cleveland Indians and Sabathia:

C.C. Sabathia faces a tempting situation when a wealthy old man, George Steinbrenner --who lived in Cleveland many years ago--offers him a tidy sum of money for his pitching services. While everyone in "camp C.C." is thrilled about getting a bigger paycheck, the Indians are upset over the idea--especially when Scott Parker and Brian Peters (C.C.'s agents) and Sabathia himself talk about branching out and signing future New York Nike endorsement deals. Determined to keep the Indians together, it will take all the sneaky tricks this 107-year-old team possesses to reverse C.C.'s plans of sell himself away.

Am I suggesting the Indians purposely disrupt the pitching, or pitching perception, of C.C. Sabathia? Hey, if we are out of it by late July, why not? It worked for Michelle Tanner (kind of -- because, in the end, they never did sell the house -- however, its debatable weather Michelle's plot was really the reason why). Anyway, at this point, a sit-com style plan may be the only way Cleveland retains their ace for years to come. So what can the Indians do to match Michelle's successful sabotage tactics?

I seem to remember in the episode Michelle planting rotten fish in the walls and unleashing bugs in plain site of the wealthy old man. While that worked for a home, it wouldn't work for a baseball player. The Indians would need to do things like take 7 or 8 mph off the radar gun, add liquid lard to C.C.'s food to further inflate his waist line, and maybe shine laser lights into his eyes before crucial pitches.

Whatever it takes. I really don't feel like adding another Cleveland defector to the heckle list for next season.

TDBR Interviews a Guy Who Served Brady Quinn at Chipolte

The Dave Burba Revolution recently had the opportunity to speak with Adam Sorbo, a 23-year-old Chipolte employee who had the pleasure of serving Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn this past Tuesday. Adam was kind enough to answer a few questions and talk us through his Brady Quinn/Chipolte experience.

TDBR: Hi Adam, how are you?

Sorbo: Aw man, I'm great, glad to be talking with you bro. I got some awesome stuff to share.

TDBR: Fantastic, let's get to it. Brady Quinn came into your Middleburg Heights store this past Tuesday around lunchtime, correct?

Sorbo: Yeah man, like around 2pm, you know, after practice in Berea. The whole thing is funny because literally, the night before I was playing with my franchise in Madden 08 and made the conscious decision to start Brady over Derek Anderson for the rest of the season. It turned out to be a good move because Quinn and the Browns went on to win the Super Bowl for me. Then, BAM, like 12 hours later I am awarded with the man himself.

TDBR: Was he with anyone?

Sorbo: Yeah, he had two other dudes with him, I didn't recognize either though, maybe his bros from college or something? Brady was definitely the leader of the group though, no doubt. He was wearing this awesome brown Hollister shirt and he had absolutely no hesitation about himself or what he was there to do. Some people come into Chipolte and kind of stroll around and take in the atmosphere for a while. Not Brady -- it was like he was on a mission. And as the server, man, you gotta be on your toes for a guy like that.

TDBR: Were you nervous?

Sorbo: Listen man, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. I mean, when I took this job back in January I was told that Browns players have been known to stop by. In reality though, nothing prepares you for the actual thing. But what was I going to do? I couldn't run away, I had to stand strong and just focus on the task at hand.

TDBR: Did Brady say anything to you before he went into his order?

Sorbo: (laughing) Did he say anything to me? Oh man, let me tell you, this is when all my nerves were flushed away because not only did Brady say "what's up", but he also called me "chief" and made some solid eye contact. I mean, the guy has such a presence, such an ability to make you feel calm. I insanely felt the desire to take orders from him. Any orders. He could have told me to pour hot salsa in my eyes and I would've done it, no questions asked.

TDBR: So what did he get to eat?

Sorbo: He got a barbacoa burrito bowl with a side of tortillas. He didn't even have to look at the menu beforehand -- it was awesome. Then, when we got down to the end of the line he calmly asked for extra cheese. I replied "frig yeah dude," and gave him the thumbs up. I think that he said "thanks" back but I'm still not sure -- he may have just coughed.

TDBR: Did he get guac added on or any chips?

Sorbo: Nope, just the barbacoa burrito bowl, a side of tortillas, and a large drink. But really though, that meal, what he ordered is such an excellent choice. Such a smart choice. In fact, its the only thing I eat from Chipolte these days and I'm am even trying to get my manager to name it the "Bradycoa Special."

TDBR: Did he get his burrito bowl to go or did he and his friends dine in?

Sorbo: They left. When he was filling up his drink I ran out to the tables and started wiping all the best ones down, just in case he changed his mind and wanted to eat-in. I completely understood though, he probably had a really busy day.

TDBR: Did he say "goodbye" to you?

Sorbo: No, he did not. I waved as he walked out the door but I guess he just didn't see me, he was on his Blackberry and talking to his friend. I have no doubt in my mind though that if he would've seen me he would've waved back. He's that kind of guy, you know? Just an all around cool dude. Oh, and I almost forgot! When he paid for his food, he tossed all his change into the United Way glass box we have by the register. It was like 65 cents -- it was so cool. And you know, that's the kind of stuff you don't read about in the papers, that's just Brady being Brady.

TDBR: So it sounded like the experience was an all around positive one.

Sorbo: Dude, it was amazing. Its been one of the greatest things that's ever happened to me. I mean, you hear stories about how pro-athletes are crazy jerks, but honestly, Brady was one of the coolest people I've ever met. There was just something about him. I mean, I totally felt like I could have asked him what he was up to later on that night and he would have told me--and maybe even invited me along. And you know, I would've asked too but I just didn't want to come on too strong, you know. I wanted to lay some solid groundwork for any kind of future relationship.

TDBR: Future relationship?

Sorbo: Yeah man. I have already changed up all my hours so I work Tuesdays during lunch. Next time he comes in I think I am either going to attempt a high five or maybe even invite him to one of my cousin's house parties.

TDBR: Alright Adam, thanks for your time and sharing your story.

Sorbo: Anytime man. Go Browns. Go Brady.

This interview was conducted -- in my head -- on Wednesday, June 11th via telephone.

LeCharles Bentley Ends His Stroried Browns Career

Cleveland Browns center LeCharles Bentley asked to be cut this afternoon. The Browns responded with a should-shrugging "yeah, whatever."

The man who was paid millions of dollars to essentially strut around Northeast Ohio in Browns gear for 2 years finally had enough. Apparently, he freaked out that the team had the audacity to play someone else in his position while he rehabilitated for 2 seasons.

Its been a strange 24 months for LeCharles and the Browns. Let's take a quick look back at the highlights of Bentley's stint in Cleveland:

• July 27, 2006: During the first day of training camp, Bentley lines up at center for his first play as a Brown.

Well, that's pretty much it -- we all know what happens next. Torn patellar tendon, a boat load of surgeries, a gnarly staph infection, contract reductions.

But man, you have to admit, that spilt second before he destroyed his knee in Berea was a pretty special moment.

Is Victor Martinez Trying to Kill Tom Hamilton?

In the late hours of the night, when I hop on a computer to check the Indians box score and recap, I tend to go through the same routine. I first look to see if Cleveland won (usually disappointed), browse over the pitching performances (usually impressed), and then head down to Victor Martinez's line (always confused). Every time I check Vic's line, I am convinced it will be the game he has finally hit his first home run and that zero will have transformed into a one. But no, the HR box always sits there, unchanged. Last night when I saw the Indians had scored 8 runs, I was sure Vic had did it, finally broke the streak. Nope. Still zero.

This is getting nuts. Injured or not, this guy has been, and still is, the anchor of the Tribe offense -- and he has zero home runs in mid-June. I think if you suited up John Adams everyday this season he would've at least squeezed out one over the right field fence by June 9th.

Anyway, this homerless streak got me thinking -- what's it going to be like when Victor finally does (I mean, he has to) hit a home run this year. The person I am begining to worry about is play-by-play man Tom Hamilton. If the HR is hit in any kind of dramatic fashion whatsoever then I seriously fear for Hamilton's life. He will go absolutely bonkers.

I picture it going a little something like this:

Tom Hamilton: Indians down 3, bottom of the ninth here at Progressive Field. Bases loaded for Victor Martinez who's power has mysteriously left him this season Mike. In fact, he is still looking for his first home run of the 2008 campaign. Vic steps in, the pitch...

...A SWING AND A DRIVE! LEFT FIELD! OH BOY, THIS COULD BE IT! A WAAAAY BACK! THIS BALL IS--



Why Victor? Why are you doing this? Please hit a home run soon -- if not for the Indians, then for the well-being of Tom Hamilton.

"Boys and Girls, Today We Have Two New Students"

Yesterday, after Tom Mastny's 1.1 inning gem, the Indians made a few late-night roster moves. "The Mastny Boy" and Jensen Lewis are headed back to Buffalo and criss-crossing them in the skies will be pitchers Brian Slocum and Rick Bauer.

Both Slocum and Bauer have limited major league experience and I must admit, I'm not familiar with either. Other than knowing their names, I have nothing -- no real baseball insight or predictions for our two new relief pitchers. (I suppose I could research their minor league stats, injury history, types of pitches they throw, ect -- but that sounds hard).

However, only knowing names and having no other prior knowledge of Slocum and Bauer (I've never even seen a photo) is not going to stop me from giving some kind of analysis. Which is why I've decided to do what I always do when I see or hear a new name: imagine what kind of person he/she would likely be (based solely off what their name sounds like) if I went to middle school with them. Let's get started:

Brian Slocum: Alright, he is totally one of those hyper-active red headed kids. He has braces and he never sits still. He can be found in the back of the class building primitive weapons out of school supplies (eraser swords, protractor sling shots). He is always talking, or more accurately, always lying about what his Dad can do in terms of physical feats. He brings Halloween candy for lunch. He does about 90% of the things he is dared to do, no matter the shame level or harm to his own body. He has an old issue of Playboy in his locker and will show you select pages for a 50 cent fee. Brian Slocum gives the middle finger about 30 times a day.

Rick Bauer: This kid doesn't say much. When he does talk you are surprised by how deep he voice is for a middle schooler. He's just trying to get by. He gets decent grades and is pretty good at gym class. He laughs at the antics of kids like Brian Slocum but would never put himself out on that kind of a limb. He loves video games and can be seen reading Gamepro during study hall. He has a close nit group of about 3 other kids, all of whom have the same interests and personalities. He wears a Purdue sweatshirt but admittedly doesn't really care about college football. Rick Bauer has a very thin and soft patch of hair above his upper lip.

Below is a "photo guess" at Brian Slocum and Rick Bauer:

Welcome to Cleveland guys!

A Day in the Life of Travis Hafner

The following is a detailed account of how Travis Hafner spent the day of May 25th, 2008. The game played that day, a 2-1 loss to the Texas Rangers, was Hafner's last game before being placed on the 15-DL for an injury to his right shoulder.

7:30 AM: Hafner awakes. He changes out of his nighttime jean shorts into his daytime jean shorts.

7:44 AM: Hafner's wife, Amy, prepares his usual game-day breakfast: steak patties infused with Cap'n Crunch cereal and a side of nacho cheese.

8:10 AM: Travis heads to his personal weight room to work out. 5 minutes into his routine Hafner is distracted by an episode of Judge Judy on his gym TV. In the episode, the defendant, an uninsured driver, is accused of running a stop sign and hitting the plaintiff's car at 4AM. The defendant claims he was out so late because he knew he was uninsured and wanted to avoid any legal trouble. While watching, Travis doesn't understand how the defendant could be so aware and careful to the point where he would limit his driving to late nights but at the same time could be stupid enough to run a stop sign. In the end, Travis decides he thinks the plaintiff should win the case.

8:40 AM: Hafner receives a phone call from his mother in North Dakota. He finds himself explaining to her once again what the nickname "Pronk" means. "Well, I just don't understand why the boys can't call you Travis. That is your name after all," she says before they hang up.

9:00 AM: Travis takes a 40 minute nap.

9:50 AM: Travis and Amy have a 25 minute discussion about weather or not they should buy a pet Duck-Billed Platypus. Travis claims he has wanted one his entire life and promises he will take care of it. The conversation ends with Amy saying, "I'll think about it."

10:02 AM: Travis gets in his truck and heads to Insurance Company Field for work. During his ride to the stadium he sees how long he is able to drive with no-hands before he swerves off the road. He makes it 90 seconds.

10:50 AM: Hafner enters the Indians clubhouse and heads to his locker. He notices that someone has changed his name plate from T HAFNER to T F'HER. He suspects it was Casey Blake.

11:55 AM: During batting practice Hafner tells Ben Francisco that he can break a bat just by swinging it through the air as hard as he can. Francisco bets him $100 he can't do it.

11:56 PM: Travis owes Francisco $100.

1:02 PM: During pregame introductions Hafner instinctively "raises the roof" when his name is called. Ryan Garko catches him doing it and begins to laugh while mockingly "raising the roof" himself. Hafner turns beet red and takes a seat on the bench.

1:37 PM: In a 1-2 count during his first at-bat, Hafner digs in for the fourth pitch. While Texas pitcher Doug Mathis rocks into his delivery, a thought pops into Hafner's head. "Maybe the defendant in that Judge Judy show was actually innocent. And really, stop signs shouldn't even apply to drivers after like 2AM -- or at least maybe just enforce a rolling stop." Hafner watches strike three zip down the middle.

2:20 PM: Travis intensely focuses on the jubmotron as "Which Hat is the Ball Under" plays for the crowd. Hafner wins. He brags to Jamey Carroll that he is now 12-4 on the season.

2:35 PM: Travis picks up a spare first baseman's glove he finds on the bench and puts it on. It feels way too weird and he quickly takes it off.

2:44 PM: While the Indians are in the field, Travis sits alone on the bench. He begins humming the Billy Idol version of "Mony, Mony" to himself. An incredible urge to actually hear the song then overtakes him. Realizing he isn't due to bat for quite a while Hafner heads out to the parking lot to his truck -- he is sure he has "Mony, Mony" in his CD collection.

2:52 PM: In full uniform, Travis sits in his truck -- windows rolled up -- and listens to "Mony, Mony" two times in a row.

3:04 PM: Manager Eric Wedge asks Hafner where he has been for the last 10 minutes. Travis tells him he was watching tape of his first two at bats in the media room.

4:17 PM: Game over, Indians lose. Hafner watches his defeated teammates and gages what his appropriate post-game behavior should look like.

5:25 PM: Hafner walks into the shower. He notices Casey Blake again showering in a bathing suit but is unable to build up the nerve to ask him why.

6:30 PM: Grady Sizemore, Cliff Lee, Victor Martinez, and Hafner head to a downtown bar for a few beers. All four get text messages from David Dellucci which they ignore. "No, don't get me wrong, its not that I don't like the guy. Its just, you know, all he ever talks about is his friends from high school, I just can't take that tonight man," Lee explains to the group.

9:59 PM: Travis arrives home to his wife Amy. She warms him up a Capn' Crunch steak from earlier that morning and tells him she has a suprise.

10:01 PM: Amy enters the living room where Travis is eating. She is holding a cage and inside is an Australian imported Duck-Billed Platypus. Travis is ecstatic. He says he wants to name his new pet "Brad."

10:30 PM: Travis and Amy lie in bed and watch a few reruns of Home Improvement as they doze off. Brad lies at their feet.

2:42 AM: Travis awakes to use the bathroom. On his way out the door he accidentally steps on Brad, slips backwards flailing into mid-air, and eventually lands square on his right shoulder.

2:52 AM: Travis takes several Advil and slides back into bed. "I'm sure it'll feel fine tomorrow," he thinks of his hurt shoulder before falling back asleep.