Cleveland Browns: Living on Lists

The list of injured Brownies is growing faster than a sidewalk smoke snake. The team has now placed receiver Joe Jurevicius on the PUP list (physically unable to perform) and former boy band singer Kevin Kasper on the IR (injured reserve).

But it doesn't stop there. The following players have been placed on an assortment of other "lists", most of which should have no affect on actual playing time:

Braylon Edwards: PUCS List -- Physically Unable to Not Look Cool in a Three-Piece Suit

Shaun Rogers: PUSOY List -- Physically Unable to Mix in a Salad or Yogurt Every Once in a While

Kolomona Kapanui: VUNPO List-- Verbally Unable to Have Name Correctly Pronounced by Ohioans

Romeo Crennel: FUPA Reserve List

Derek Anderson: EUCGS List -- Emotionally Unable to Care About Anything his Girlfriend Ever Has to Say

Phil Dawson: PUiP List -- Physically Unable to Use an iPhone

Donte Stallworth: CUGIGA List-- Culturally Unable to 'Get Into' the Latest Season of Grey's Anatomy

Brady Quinn: Fragile Face Reserve List

Dave Zastudil: UCFA List -- Unable to Convince his Father He's a Real Athlete

Steve Heiden: MUSP List -- Mentally Unable to Solve a Level Three Sudoku Puzzle in Less Than 20 Minutes

Grady Sizemore's 30/30 Club Acceptance Letter

Last night Cleveland center fielder Grady Sizemore became the 32nd MLB player to hit 30 home runs and steal 30 bases in a single season. The feat has not only solidified Sizemore's elite status as a player but its also earned him a spot in baseball's ever mysterious "30/30 Club." The club, which boasts a list of talented players such as Barry Bonds and Preston Wilson, has been an historic question mark in baseball culture ever since its formation in 1922.

Below is the official "3o/30 Club" form letter Grady Sizemore found in his locker after last night's game:

Dear Mr. Sizemore:

On behalf of Major League Baseball I would like to officially welcome you as the newest member of the 30/30 Club. Your balance of power and speed on the baseball field is most impressive and we are excited to induct you into our exclusive fraternity.

Over the next few weeks you will be receiving additional literature regarding club policies and procedures. During this early stage you will also be paid a visit in the late hours of the night by an anonymous masked 30/30 member. He will quietly enter your home, find you in your sleep, and brand your naked body with the "30/30" marking. And please, for the sake of your own safety, please do not put up any sort of struggle during this process. Until then I would like to take some time to briefly share with you what you can expect from the club and what we will expect from you as a member.

It's evident by your play on the field that you're a highly disciplined and focused person. As a member of the 30/30 Club we demand that same type of attitude and behavior at all times. You are now expected, Mr. Sizemore, to carry on and promote the ideals of 30/30 from this day forward, on and off the baseball diamond.

Firstly, you must be fully aware of the etiquette required when in the presence of a fellow 30/30 Club member. When entering a room, if another 30/30 member is spotted, you must greet him (before anyone else) with the customary "30 Hug Salute" (30 consecutive frontal hugs in a row). If you are to either explain or perform the "30 Hug Salute" to a non-member then let it be known -- there will be serious consequences and physical repercussions. Upon your first offense you will loose the fingernail of your index finger. A repeat violation will result in the repossession of your home and family.

Secondly, you are now required to attend monthly off season winter club meetings. These sessions will be held the third Thursday of every month at an undisclosed location (usually Jeff Bagwell's house). During these meetings you will have a chance to hear your fellow club members speak as well as raise any issues you feel pertinent. Upon arriving to the meeting location you will be stripped of all your clothing (in order to bare the mark of "30/30"). Once checked in you will be given a plate of 30 hard boiled eggs and 30 glasses of orange juice to eat and drink during the meeting. No member of the club will be permitted to leave the premises until each has finished all of their eggs and juice.

Finally, the 30/30 Club will begin to automatically deduct portions of your salary to pay for official club dues. These payments, around 9% of your annual income, will go primarily towards the future purchase of a small Pacific Island off the coast of the Philippines. The island, to be named "Thirty", will soon be exclusively inhabited by members of baseball's 30/30 Club. Once there, we will construct our own shelter, hunt for our own food, and set up our own laws and government. Only then will men of wonder like you and me begin to live the kind of lives we deserve. Note -- a smaller portion of your dues will go towards food and for Dante Bichette.

As stated above, more information will follow. We are excited and proud to welcome you to the 30/30 Club and look forward to your company.

--Forem the triginta meus frater--

Sincerely,

Barry Larkin
Chief Operating Officer of The 30/30 Club

Dr. Quinn: Medicine Backup

Browns quarterback Derek Anderson is scheduled to miss the rest of the preseason with a mild concussion. Though the injury is only minor, backup QB Brady Quinn waste no time using Anderson's concussion as a stepping stone to slide into the starting spot.

Berea, Ohio -- 8AM -- Browns Training Facility

Cleveland quarterback Derek Anderson sits near his locker reading a playbook and taking notes. Brady Quinn, holding a handful of papers, enters the room.

Quinn: What's up Derek, how you doing? How's your head?

Anderson (looking down at playbook): Hi Brady, it's feeling alright.

Quinn: Hey, what you reading? Anything I should be looking at?

Anderson: No, this is stuff for the starting QB.

Quinn mumbles under his breath.

Anderson (looks up): What was that?

Quinn (ruffling papers): Nothing. Hey, so I was doing a little research on concussions at WebMD this morning and thought I'd share it with you.

Anderson: Can we do it later? I really have to hit the gym before I meet with Coach Chudzinski this afternoon.

Quinn: Well hold on, this won't take long.

Anderson (still looking down at playbook): Alright, what's up?

Quinn (glancing over papers): Ok, I assessed your injury, matched it up online -- and the four most common symptoms I'm concerned about are loss of memory, confusion, blurred vision and nausea and vomiting.

Anderson (looks up to Brady): Well then I think I'm alright then, I haven't had any of those. It was a mild concussion Brady -- really just a glorified headache.

Quinn abruptly runs out of the locker room. Confused, Anderson goes back to his notes.

3 minutes later...

Quinn approaches Anderson with the same handful of WebMD printouts.

Quinn: Good morning Derek, how's your head?

Anderson: Hey -- where'd you run off to?

Quinn: What are you talking about? I just got here -- just now.

Anderson: No, you were just telling me about all those symptoms for a concussion and -- nevermind.

Quinn: Oh no, this is not good. (looks at printouts) Sounds like a combination of confusion and slight amnesia. Hey, do you feel like you might throw up?

Anderson keeps looking at his clipboard, ignoring Brady.

Quinn: Oh man -- listen, I've been doing a bunch of research on concussions, I think we need to talk. You might be way worse than I though.

Anderson: We already did Brady, I'm done discussing this. I'm fine.

Quinn: Derek, look at me. When did this supposed conversation take place?

Anderson: 2 minutes ago, before you ran away.

Quinn: Derek, look at me. When did this supposed conversation take place?

Anderson: Huh? I just told you. Are we done now?

Quinn: Derek, look at me. When did this supposed conversation take place?

Anderson: What the hell is going on here Brady?

Quinn: Wow, this is bad, I don't even know what you're babbling about right now. I'm going to let Coach Crennel know about this right away.

Anderson: Stop! I'm fine, I've already been checked out by the team doctor.

Quinn: You've already been "pecked by the leam tocker?" What does that even mean?

Quinn pulls out a blank white note card.

Quinn: Derek, look at this card. Can you tell me what number is written on it?

Anderson: There's nothing on it, it's blank.

Quinn: What!? (writes something down on a notepad) I thought you might say it's blurry -- but man, you don't see anything? This is not good.

Anderson: Hey, what are you writing?

Quinn again runs out of the room without warning. Anderson goes back to his playbook.

4 minutes later...

Quinn re-enters holding a towel covered in vomit.

Quinn: Alright, I think I got most of it. You see anymore?

Anderson: Anymore what?

Quinn: Your puke! You just hurled up a few pounds of semi-digested -- (smells towel) I'm guessing Hot Pockets and Count Chocula. You are not well man, your concussion must be progressing.

Anderson stares at Quinn.

Quinn: Oh come on, don't tell me you already forgot?

Anderson: Where did you even get the vomit on that rag? That is just weird man.

Quinn: I got it from your insides. Geez, I'm going to have to go all the way to Randy Lerner with this. I think you have a trip to the IR in your future. Maybe I should be looking at that playbook instead of you. With the way your acting, this will be my team in no time.

Anderson stands up and begins to walk out of locker room.

Quinn: Hey, where you going?

Anderson: Away from you.

A Rolling Byrd Gathers No Moss

Indians pitcher Paul Byrd was traded to the Boston Red Sox today for a player to be named later.

Goodbye "Byrd Man," you will be missed (kind of). And no matter who this "player to be named later" turns out to be, I am sure of one thing, he will not have a cooler sounding animal name than you. Unless, of course, his name is like Tommy Panther or something.

Below is a farewell video to Paul Byrd:

The Cleveland Browns Fan Code of Conduct

The NFL recently implemented a fan code of conduct aimed to curb unruly behavior that "detracts from the gameday experience." The new code officially puts a ban on things like foul or abusive language, harassing opposing team's fans, and throwing objects onto the field.

Besides adhering to the broad league laws, each individual team has the option of adding their own provisions where they see fit. Below are the additional "fan rules" the Cleveland Browns will employ for the 2008 season:

--Fans who insist on wearing a Tim Couch or Charlie Frye jersey to the stadium are required to manually adjust the print on the clothing from Couch to "ouch" and Frye to "Frye'd."

--Enthusiastic fans are allowed to high five strangers only if said stranger is of age and consenting. Before the hand slap takes place both parties must sign a wavier and agree on the speed and force of their arm movement (waivers can be found at any stadium information booth and at all area Cleveland Browns team shops).

--If a spontaneous "Here we go Brownies" chant erupts amongst a group of fans you are in close proximity to, you are allowed to ignore and remain silent during the "woof, woof" section up to four times. Upon the fifth you will be escorted from the stadium.

--Ponytails (on men), in any form, are now banned from Cleveland Browns Stadium.

--If you are able to swallow your own vomit without considerable drippage, you will be awarded with a raffle ticket. At the end of the game your ticket will be entered into a drawing where you will have the opportunity to win an official Cleveland Browns refrigerator magnet.

--Fans are not permitted to remove their shirts at any point during the season until temperatures reach below 20 degrees.

--During the game, each fan is allotted a strict 3 minutes to publicly discuss any of the developments regarding their fantasy football team. Last call for bragging about your running backs and recent waiver transactions will be 8 minutes into the 4th quarter.

--If during your visit to Cleveland Browns Stadium you should encounter "Big Dawg" John Thompson, please refrain from looking him directly in the eyes. If you find yourself in a situation where you must speak to him, stare down to the tops of your feet, cross your arms behind your back, and begin every sentence with "Mr. Dawg sir."

Brett Favre Introduced as NY Jet (in Cleveland)

Brett Favre: "I truly believe things happen for a reason and I want to let everyone know just how excited I am to be sitting here today. I mean, look around folks, this is Cleveland -- this is football Americana. Jim Brown, Otto Graham, Lou Groza. Ben Gay. Having the chance to come to a place like Cleveland -- with all their football history -- and officially become a New York Jet is something really special. I remember once meeting Bernie Kosar back in 1992 and him telling me, 'kid, if you wanna play football the right way, in front of the right people, you gotta be in Cleveland. You gotta be a Brown. And if you can't do that, at least try to get there for a press conference where you're introduced on another team or something.' At the time I thought Bernie was high, but I have to say, I get it now. To have the opportunity to sit here Cleveland, Ohio and become a member of the New York Jets is something I will tell my grandchildren about."

Rejected Nicknames for the 2008 Men's Basketball Team

Over the past few weeks you may have noticed something peculiar in the headlines regarding the U.S. men's basketball team -- they've dropped the "Dream Team" nickname commonly attached (it was so 1990's) and replaced it with the more suitable "Redeem Team." The transition to the new moniker was not as brisk as one might think however. LeBron and company endured a series of long and painful team meetings, discussing an array of possible nicknames. Below are a few of the suggestions Team USA tossed around that didn't make the cut:

The Scream Team (suggested by Tayshaun Prince): "After every free throw we hit all five men on the court scream their lungs out for a full 3 seconds. It will totally freak out some of those smaller countries like Angola."

The Sour Cream Team (suggested by LeBron James): "We'll all wear bright white suits during press conferences and at photo shoots. And for games we can bleach our hair and paint our finger nails white -- it will be hot."

The Seam Team (suggested by Dwayne Wade): "Listen, I just learned how to do a French seam by hand and can totally teach you guys the basics. We could customize the stitching on our jerseys in no time."

The Per Diem Team (suggested by Michael Redd): "We'll cut each fan in attendance a five dollar check and tell 'em to go out and 'buy something nice for themselves.'"

The Self Esteem Team (suggested by Jason Kidd): "If we tell ourselves we are worthy of gold at least 3 times a day then I don't see any reason why we can't achieve it."

The Laser Beam Team (suggested by Chris Bosh): "My cousin knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a place where you can get an operation done to have a laser beam dispenser implanted into your finger. It's supposedly pretty painless"

The Morphine Team (suggested by Deron Williams): "All I know is that taking hard fouls in the paint wouldn't hurt nearly as much."

The Fraudulent Credit Card Scheme Team (suggested by Kobe Byrant): "I've actually been looking into this for a while now and figure -- why not make it a team effort. Social Security numbers are floating around out there just asking to be stolen."

Mark Shapiro: Trade Deadline Prankster

For whatever reason the July 31st trading deadline tends to bring out the jokster in Cleveland Indians General Manager Mark Shapiro. Below are some of the prank phone calls he placed to other GM's over the past few days:

Call to Los Angeles Dodgers GM Ned Colletti:

Colletti: Hello, this is Ned.

Shapiro: Ned! You got 5 seconds! Grady Sizemore for Andrew Jones, straight up!

Colletti: Uh, is this Mark?

Shapiro: 3, 2, 1. (hangs up phone)

Call to Chicago White Sox GM Kenny Williams:

Williams: Hello.

Shapiro (talking in deep voice): Why hello Mr. Williams, this is the Atlanta Braves General Manager John Schuerholz. How are you today sir?

Williams: Huh?

Shapiro: I wanted to know if you were interested in trading Jermaine Dye to my organization in exchange for a 1998 Honda Accord and a one year paid subscription to Netflix?

Williams: Dammit, is this you again Shaprio? I thought I told you to leave me alone.

Shapiro: Ahahahahaha!

(Shapiro hangs up phone)

Call to Oakland Athletics GM Billy Beane:

(towards the end of a 90 minute discussion)

Shapiro: So let me run this one by you one more time Bill. Paul Byrd, Franklin Gutierrez, and Rafael Perez for Huston Street and a player to be named later. Sound good?

Beane: It does. I think this is something we could defiantly hammer out Mark.

Shapiro: Fantastic. But one more thing, you of course know I've been talking about baseball cards the whole time, right?

Beane: What?

Shapiro: Hahahahahaha!

Beane: Oh come on!

(Shapiro hangs up phone)

Call to New York Yankees GM Brian Cashman:

Shapiro: Brian -- listen, I have a deal for you that's unlike anything you've ever been offered. It's a one for one and I think you're going to love it.

Cashman: I'm listening.

Shapiro: Alright, I'm proposing you trade... me for you, you for me. A GM for GM trade blockbuster. I'll move to New York and take over your duties for the Yankees and you come to Cleveland to do the same. But it doesn't stop there -- we'll also swap wives, families and wear each other's clothes. What do you say?

Cashman: You've got serious problems Mark.

And "The Cool Dude of the Year Award" Goes To...

Browns linebacker Andra Davis

... the (Browns) asked the 29-year-old Davis to accept a base salary for this season of US$1.675 million - down from the $3 million he agreed to when he signed a five-year contract extension in 2005. On top of that, the Browns trimmed two years off his deal.

Davis' response?

"Money's the last thing on our mind,"..."I'm not worried," said the likable Davis, who is active in the Cleveland community and may be the most approachable player on the Browns' roster. "My wife (Monique) and I have hardly touched any of the signing bonus..."

Wow, are you serious? Davis says and does the kind of things all pro sports fans claim they would if given the chance to play games for a living.

Me personally -- I would have slapped Phil Savage in the face and burned down Berea. Then I'd hold a press conference accusing Romeo Crennel of hitting on me.

But not Andra Davis. He just wants to play football and hang out in Cleveland. And that's why he's the recipient of this year's "Cool Dude Award."

Hey, I'm Just Saying...

Were Browns receiver Kevin Kasper and fitness guru Susan Powter birthed from the same peroxide guzzling space alien?

I think it's too close to call without some sort of official "Maury Test."

When Ken Dorsey Drinks...Ken Dorsey Talks

Browns third-string quarterback Ken Dorsey entertains a couple of visiting high school buddies (Matt and Trevor) at the Applebee's bar in Middleburg Heights, Ohio. We pick up the action at about nine beers in...

Trevor: Dude, I don't get it. There's like two dozen hot girls here and not one has asked to buy you a drink yet. Back in the day you used to inhale body shots like it was your job.

Matt: Yeah man, how am I suppose to pick up your leftovers when there's not even a main course.

Dorsey: That's what I've been trying to tell you bro. (hiccup) I don't know what the deal is -- it's not like the old days 'round here.

Trevor: But dude, you're Ken Dorsey! Ken "holds every passing record at Miami, nominated for two Heisman's, won a National Championship" Dorsey. I figured you'd be on cereal boxes 'round here by now.

Matt: Yeah -- you shouldn't be drinking at an Applebee's in Cleveland (takes sip of beer) you should be buying and selling 'em via stock markets and shit!

A young blonde woman approaches the trio and singles in on Ken.

Trevor: Well, hello.

Woman: Do you play for the Browns? My girlfriends over there claim they saw you at training camp the other day and dared me come over here and ask you.

Matt (shocked by the question): Does he play for the Browns?

Woman: Yeah -- or work for them, like as a towel boy or something?

Dorsey (rubbing eyes): No, I'm a player.

Woman: Oh my gosh (looks back to girlfriends and shakes her head)! Are you serious? Do you know a lot of the players? Please tell me you do -- because listen, I have to ask you -- do you know what brand of underwear Brady Quinn wears? We're all dying to know.

Matt: What?!

Trevor: Who cares about Brady Quinn, this is Ken Dorsey honey! He's a legend.

Dorsey: Yeah, I know Brady. In fact, I actually play the same position as him. I've even kind of mentored him.

Woman gives Ken a blank stare.

Dorsey: Ummm okay, I think he wears Hanes boxer briefs.

Woman: Ahhhhhhhhhh! I knew it!

Laughing, the woman runs back to her table of friends.

Matt: What the hell.

Ken Dorsey stands up and paces back and forth down the length of the bar.

Trevor: You alright man?

Matt: Yeah, forget that chick. She doesn't know anything and besides, she totally had a duck face. Hey, let's do a shot, it's on me.

Matt orders three shots of Jägermeister.

Matt: To 9,565 passing yards. A Miami record that shall never be broken!

The trio drink down their shots.

Dorsey (still standing): You know, one chance. One frickin' chance, that's all. Give me the ball, in a meaningful game, for one series. Then look me in the face and try and tell me I'm third string.

Trevor: Dude, that's what I've been saying all along.

Matt: Yeah, with your o-line and receivers -- forget about it. Cleveland would be "Dorseyland" in a matter of minutes! Every kid in this state would be dressing up as "Number 11" for Halloween for the next 20 years.

Dorsey: They won't give it to me though. (turns voice into annoyed squeal) "Just keep running drills with the practice squad, Ken. Just keep working with Brady, Ken. Here Ken, hold this clipboard. " (turns voice back to normal) "You know what, you hold it Derek. And while your at it why don't ya hold my nuts" (spits into empty beer mug). Brady and D.A. -- a pretty boy and a dude that looks more like a hamster than a human being.

Trevor: Yeah! F 'em all (grabs crotch)!

Dorsey: Nah man, I don't mean that. (hiccup) Derek's my bro. So is Brady. I'd take a bullet for those guys. It's just -- no one in that entire organization knows what I'm capable of. You know that in my 2 years with the team I've never once thrown a pass to Braylon Edwards. Not even for fun. In fact, I don't know if I've even shaken the guy's hand.

Matt: I mean, how can they call you the backup's backup if they won't even let you play with the team's best wide out?

Trevor: For real. What the hell is wrong with this franchise? Did they just not watch college football during 2000 or 2001? Don't they understand they're flushing gold down the toilet?

Dorsey: Listen, I'm not saying I could just step under center -- game one -- and just (hiccup), actually that is exactly what I'm saying. I would tear it up right from the first snap. Game 1, look out Cleveland because the first ever 150 point game in NFL history was just brought to you by Kenneth Simon Dorsey.

Matt: KSD!

Trevor (high fives Ken): Man, it's a shame. You got a pro bowl -- no scratch that -- you got a future hall of fame arm just wasting away here in Iowa.

Dorsey: We're actually in Ohio, Trev.

Trevor: Eh, same shit.

Dorsey: You know -- it's getting to the point where I'm just going to have to say something to Romeo next week (hiccup).

Trevor: You totally should.

Dorsey: I'm going to. (points to Matt) "Look Crennel -- you either start me or I walk. It's that simple. You put me in a game or I put my fist in your throat, got it?"

Matt (puts hands up): Woah, that was good -- no guys, I really mean it, you totally convinced me just there. I'm not joking.

Dorsey: Because here's the thing (rubs eyes) -- if I pack my bags and head to Canada next week I'm the star of the CFL and America just looks the fool for letting me go. The shit is political in a way.

Trevor: And just unfair to CFL cornerbacks trying to make a living.

Matt grabs the arm of a young man walking past the bar.

Matt: Hey! Look at that face -- do you know who this guy is? Do you?

Young Man: Uhhh, are you our waiter? Because we still haven't gotten our chicken quesadillas and its been like 20 minutes.

Matt (let's go of man's arm): Dude, get the hell out of here.

Young Man (walking away): Can we get some extra guacamole with them too?

Trevor: Dude, let's jet.

Dorsey: Yeah, I agree.

Matt: Let's just go back to your place and watch your VHS of the 2000 National Championship game.

Dorsey: It's already in the VCR.

Dorsey throws down some cash on the bar while Matt and Trevor stand up. The three buddies then exit the restaurant.