Tuesday, September 9, 2008

The Hands Make the Man

There are at least a dozen reasons why the Browns lost their first game of the season to the Cowboys this Sunday. The defense failed to pressure Tony Romo, the secondary couldn't keep up with T.O., and Derek Anderson never got into any kind of passing rhythm. Buried in the losing mix, however, is Braylon Edwards' 3 (some will argue 4) dropped passes.

No one took the loss more personal than Braylon Edwards -- and no one took the blame any harder than the hands of Braylon Edwards...from Braylon Edwards. Confused? Me too. Below is an account of the conversation Edwards' had with his very own hands after the game.

Sunday -- 10:30 PM -- The Home of Braylon Edwards

Alone, Braylon stands in his kitchen, staring down at his hands -- palm side up -- in utter disappointment.

Edwards: Alright guys, it's time to have a talk. Now, Mike (left hand), Spike (right hand), you know we wouldn't be having this discussion if it wasn't 100 percent necessary. But he fact is -- this afternoon was a complete joke -- the two of you made Braylon Edwards look like a total butt turkey on national TV and I'm having a hard time even looking at you right now. It was probably the most embarrassed I've ever been in my entire life. Now, usually when Braylon has a bad game, the blame is shared all around. I make a point to never single out you -- or Xavier and William (legs), Roberto and Reginald (feet), and Nicolas and Sebastian (eyes). However, today is an exception. You guys really let me down. It was like we'd never even worked together before -- like you were attached to this body just hours before kickoff. I mean, what were you thinking? Why would you want to do this to me after all I've done for you guys? When did the two of you get together and decide to give up on the game? You are Mike and Spike -- you are part of a team, a winning team. Along with the others you help make up the greatest receiving specimen on earth: Braylon Jamel Edwards. You will not fail me again!

(Edwards turns the gas burner on his stove top to 'high').

I am only doing this because I love you. I am only doing this because I want to see you succeed. If Xavier or Sebastian ever sabotaged Braylon's performance as badly as you did this afternoon, they would get the exact same treatment. Alright, hold on my babies...

(Edwards places both his hands over the stove top flames and lets out a monstrous scream. After 3 seconds of burning he pulls away).

(grimacing) I hope you've learned your lesson. I look forward to working with you again next week because I know the two of you are winners and I can't think of anyone else on the planet I would rather have attached to my arms. Alright, its time for you guys to sleep now. Goodnight Mike. Goodnight Spike.

(Edwards slips his hands into a pair of winter gloves filled with hand lotion).


Anonymous said...

I hate Braylon and he should be released from the team (not traded but cut). I'd rather have the stars of the 1999 movie WhiteBoyz (Danny Hoch and Mark Webber) lined up at Flanker for the Browns. I'm guaranteeing Flip and Trevor would pull down some spectacular catches, inevitably winding up on Sportscenter's top 10 plays.

Todd S. said...

I agree that the addition the Whiteboyz would be fantastic. You forgot to mention "James" however.

Woman: "Ribs, I ordered ribs."

James: "Well, that's not what you said you dumb bitch."