Friday, September 26, 2008

Getting Dirty with the Browns

At 0-3, it's safe to say the 2008 Cleveland Browns are securing a reputation as a lowly gang of football losers. But it now appears these losers have a new identity brewing amongst NFL teams -- that of total badass cheap shot taking thugs.

First there was Adam Jones of the Cowboys accusing Browns DB Nick Sorenson of grabbing and squeezing his privates after a punt return. And now this past week the Baltimore Ravens are claiming Browns defenders violently (and purposely) gauged the eyes of RB Willis McGahee.

And as these stories of brutish behavior surface it appears more and more teams are coming out against the Browns' dirty play. Several of Cleveland's opponents from the 2007 season are now sharing stories of alleged cheap shots. Below are accounts of some of these instances:

October 7th vs. New England Patriots: New England lineman allege center Hank Fraley pasted small razor blades and pieces of glass onto the palms of his gloves in order to rip and tear the arm flesh of Patriot defenders.

November 4th vs. Seattle Seahawks: Several Seahawk receivers have accused Browns cornerbacks Leigh Bodden and Brandon McDonald of sipping Tabasco sauce before crucial 3rd down plays and then spitting the liquid into their faces as the ball is snapped.

November 11th vs. Pittsburgh Steelers: Ben Roethlisberger claims Browns linebacker Kamerion Wimbley delivered what he refers to as "the ultimate late hit." The Steelers QB says that well after the game had ended, while he was showering back in the lockers, Wimbley -- in full padding and uniform -- delivered a shoulder-to-back tackle. Roethlisberger commented, "then after we both hit the wet ground he just popped up as though we were still on the field, did a little celebratory shimmy over my naked body, and ran away. To me, that's just not how you're suppose to play the game of football."

December 16th vs. Buffalo Bills: The Browns, who apparently received advanced DVD copies of the hit television show Lost, had no qualms using their advanced knowledge of the series as a strategical tactic. Bills QB Trent Edwards states, "while we were in our huddle, players from Cleveland would spontaneous yell out secrets and vital plot points (from Lost) at us. As the game worn on it became almost impossible to get my guys to focus. Does Jack and Kate's relationship really begin to fall apart in the flash forwards? Are Sayid and the Others actually able to free Ben from the mercenaries? This is all the guys were thinking about out on the field. We didn't know if the Browns were telling the truth or not but after a while it really didn't matter. The whole thing was a big time cheap shot in my book."

December 23rd vs. Cincinnati Bengals: It's been reported that at least 3 unidentified Browns players made prank phone calls, during the game, to the mothers of several Bengals players informing them that their son 'has just been involved in a serious car accident.' While this didn't technically affect the game on the field, it is no doubt a total dick move.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I am sick of everyone giving the browns hell... everyone is out to get us... just like the russians were out to get the wolverines:

Jed Eckert: [the Wolverines discover that Daryl has been "bugged" by the Russo-Cubans] Daryl... Where is it? Where is it?
[Jed grabs Daryl, gets in Daryl's face and shouts]


Darryl Bates: They made me swallow it.

Matt Eckert: Daryl, what have you done?

Darryl Bates: [nearly in tears] I went into town... and got caught.

Jed Eckert: [shaking him and screeching with rage] YOU WENT AND GOT CAUGHT! WHY?

Darryl Bates: [His voice breaks] You said we couldn't...

Robert: You told them where we were, didn't you? You told them!

Darryl Bates: [sobbing] My father turned me in. Oh God, they do things you can't imagine.

Jed Eckert: [throws him down, growling with rage] AAAAGGHHH! You SON OF A BITCH!

Lesson: Don't be Daryl NFL teams.. the Browns are just an ordinary team trying to make a living.