Thursday, September 18, 2008

Cooking with Shaun Rogers

Hi, Shaun Rogers here. When I'm not devouring quarterbacks on the field, you can usually find me devouring delicious meals in the kitchen. However, what many of you probably don't know is that I personally prepare and cook almost all of the food I eat.

Today I'd like to share an old family recipe with you I cook up and serve quite often. It's easy, fun, and as you'll see, fairly well-balanced. It's called "4 Layers to the Sun" and it's a lasagna dish.

4 Layers to the Sun

Step 1: First, you want to begin with the base of the dish -- the sauce. In my travels, I've come to find that if you prepare a good sauce, everything else will usually fall in line. For "4 Layers" you want to mix two 4 cans of tomato paste with a one pound of ground beef, one pound of smoked ham, 1/2 pound of sausage, 1/2 pound of turkey breast, 1/3 pound of pork, 1/3 pound of venison, and 12 strips of boiled bacon.

Step 2: In a separate bowl melt 2 sticks of salted butter and mix in chopped onions, celery, carrots, broccoli, red peppers, green peppers, eggplant, mangos and garlic. Combine the meat sauce with the butter and veggies and let simmer on low heat for one hour.

Step 3: Carefully add your lasagna noodles into 4 cups of boiling water. For a extra punch I like to splash in a couple tablespoons of Mountain Dew to the boiling water.

Step 4: Lay your bottom noodle into a well greased (I use ranch dressing) 8x12 pan.

Step 5: Ok, it's time for layer one! I like to think of my lasagna as structurally sound -- which is why my base layer is filled with 3 Texas T-bone steaks. When laying the steaks in, you may have to put on your best "jig-saw puzzle hat" for rearranging. When the T-bones are in there nice and snug, cover them with a generous stack of fried onion rings and a half bottle of A-1 steak sauce. Finally, pour on a nice coating of your simmering meat sauce.

Step 6: The next section is what I like to call the "rise and shine layer." Why? It's primarily breakfast foods. Start with 6 pieces of french toast arranged on top of a fresh noodle. Then set down a thin blanket of Canadian bacon followed by 8 over-easy eggs. Top with 2 cups of Trix cereal and a helping of fresh maple syrup. Cover with meat sauce and lie down next noodle.

Step 7: For the third layer you'll want to prepare your taste buds for a 'journey under the sea.' Begin by spooning and spreading out 2 cans of dolphin unsafe tuna. Place 2-3 (depending on their size) soft-shell blue crabs atop the tuna and cover with 8oz of tartar sauce. Lastly, top with 1/2 pound of minced Humpback whale blubber (which you should be able to find on the Internet). Cover with meat sauce and lie down next noodle.

Step 8: The final layer in "4 Layers to the Sun" is aimed to satisfy your sweet tooth. Begin by lining the naked noodle with 14 Swiss Cake Rolls. Next you will need the bottoms of 20-30 Snickers bars (use a cheese cutter to slice off the underbelly, just before the peanuts) and stack the nougat slivers in neat rows. Follow that with a thick layer of New York cheesecake filling followed with a coating of jet-puffed marshmallows. Drizzle with Hersey's chocolate syrup, secure top noodle, and empty your remaining meat sauce onto the lasagna.

Step 9: Sprinkle dish with handfuls of mozzarella, pepperjack, Colby, Swiss, muenster, cheddar, provolone, brie, feta, parmigiana, and nacho cheese.

Step 10: Bake in oven at 350 degrees for 3 hours.

Step 11: Grab a spork and enjoy! "4 Layers to the Sun" feeds 1-1 and 1/2 people and is best served with a tall glass of Diet Pepsi.


Anonymous said...

When reading step 8 my mind began to wander from Mr. Rogers' fantastically life shortening recipe to something else equally as sweet as his sweet tooth layer: the lead singer for Train, specifically in the VH1 chart topper 'drops of jupiter'. I ask, encourage and beg all readers to study this video. Who does Pat Monahan really remind you of? I know - Uncle friggen tight pants Jesse. Not only was he a bad dude on the guitar but he was really a great role model uncle to those motherless children. Think about that readers - WWUJD? answer: he would sing 'forever'.... forever..

Todd S. said...

"I ask the sky just what we had, ohhhh it shone Apacella."

Anonymous said...

Along with Homer Simpsons' pattented Moon Waffles, I must say this is one of my favorite dishes.

alfiala said...

dude, you are hysterical. Most bloggers try and be funny, you certainly are. the trvis hafner fantasy football team nearly made me pee myslef